(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Lego Haters Club)

A bit of a catch up as it has been a while

Players

Ben Carson “Benfred”: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, something of which he knows nothing. De facto butler, a Batman’s Alfred or “Benfred” here to that guy. Has “bootstraps” tattooed on his ankles as a reminder to those less fortunate.

Donnie: That guy.

Other Players: There have been some and will be others but don’t know yet. Haven’t finished writing this.

//////////////////////////////////

Ben: Are those Legos sir?

Donnie: (sitting cross legged on his faux Oval Office rug … Legos strewn all around him) Yes Ben. Mommy got these for me.

Ben: Mommy?

Donnie: Well, who else would get me Legos? Sheesh.

Ben: You sure?

Donnie: Ummm … (rolling his eyes) … yeah.

Ben: But your mommy is long dead sir. Kellyanne?

Donnie: Ben, you know me and my life too well … I’ll have to note that with the Secret Service by the way … no offense. Can never be too careful.

Ben: None taken sir. Let ’em know I’m Christian, have a flag on my lapel and am only black on the outside … just in case.

Donnie: Will do.

Ben: Did she get you this over sized map of the Southern border as well?

Donnie: She did. Pretty colors. The big one is Texas I think.

Ben: It is.

Donnie: I knew it!

Ben: Your geography is getting better.

Donnie: I know huh? That one is easy though. Texas – big state. Cruz – big lapdog. Wife – big ugly -Texas.

Ben: Well alrighty then. What’s the one next to it Sir?

Donnie: Is it … wait … I got this … is it another State?

Ben: It is. Damn you’re good!

Donnie: (proudly) That. I. Am.

Ben: So what’s with all the Legos by the way?

Donnie: I’m practicing.

Ben: Practicing what sir?

Donnie: Building a wall.

Ben: Surely you have friends already lined up to do that for you?

Donnie: I do … good friends … blindly loyal friends. Ring kiss types with a shitload of secrets that I know down to every detail. Lots of blown sunshine and no-bid back room handshake contracts. Friends that would run through a wall for me … out of fear mostly … but legally of course and without any imaginary women bound with duct tape in the trunks of their cars. But I want to …

Ben: He He. That’s funny sir.

Donnie: Imaginary women bound with duct tape in the trunks of their cars? What the fuck is wrong with you Benfred?

Ben: No … run THROUGH a wall? … and you want to BUILD a wall?

Donnie: What the hell are you talking about Benfred?

Ben: Sorry, it’s just that …

Donnie: They can’t very well run through a wall for me that’s not built yet now can they? That’s why I need the money. Jesus Ben!

Ben: Oh, my bad, you were speaking metaphorically.

Donnie: What?

Ben: You were speaking metaphorically?

Donnie: ?

Ben: It’s when you use a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an action that is not literally applicable and …

Donnie: ??

Ben: … you Ok sir? Your eyes seem to be glazing over a little and … is that drool?

Donnie: Dammit!

Ben: What sir?

Donnie: There’s blue Legos in here! I specifically asked Mommy in my wish list for only red and white Legos! (starts to well up)

Ben: Hey hey sir, it’s Ok. We can get you another set of Legos with only red and white bricks.

Donnie: (sniffling) You sure?

Ben: Of course.

Donnie: (brightening up a bit) We need a new flag by the way. Do you think you can get a set that includes Lego gun turrets, Lego high powered water hoses and Lego tear gas bombs?

Ben: Ummmm … well … we can certainly try.

Donnie: How about a set with with small Lego tents, Lego cages, Lego barracks. Lego barbed wire fences and Lego children … that’s the cutest thing EVER … small lego children.

Ben: Ummmm …

Donnie: C’mon Ben. I’ve seen all the Lego movie documentaries. They’ve got everything, even Batman. You know I’m thinking that we could set up a Lego Bat signal from the top of the White House, just in case we need him. A guy like that could come in handy and would make for some great PR. I mean, who doesn’t love Batman right? The base would eat it up. Real hero, like me only his feet don’t hurt … though he is a little short … but we can work that out with the right camera angles … and his voice … it’s a bit dramatic … a bit gravelly … not quite the lilting, comforting remedial tenor of mine but I’m sure we could coach him.

Ben: I’ll reach out to his people.

Donnie: You do that. Mommy got me another oversized map by the way, but I don’t understand it.

Ben: It’s all of North America

Donnie: North America?

Ben: It’s the continent we live on.

Donnie: Continental? Does it come with bagels AND cream cheese and free coffee?

Ben: Huh?

Donnie: (looking at it) There’s also a jagged line across the top … wait … is there another border?

Ben: Yeah … north of us sir.

Donnie: But I thought we were the top of the world?

Ben: I know, we are, metaphorically speak…

Donnie: (drool)

Ben: We all think that sir but geographic …

Donnie: (drool twice)

Ben: It’s Canada sir.

Donnie: Who-ada?

Ben: Canada.

Donnie: Hold on. So you’re telling me there’s another border? Shit, I’m gonna need more Legos.

Ben: No, I think you’re good sir.

Donnie: You sure? But it’s another border. Lot’s of lawlessness … new caravans … Chinese not cheap Canadian drugs … violent women and children … terrorists disguised as Mooses and … umm … Canadian gangs being nice…

Ben: Mooses?

Donnie: A group of Moose Ben. Crazed Mooses Ben. Mooses that mean us harm. Damn you’re dim.

Ben: But they’re friendly sir…

Donnie: … don’t some of them speak French?…

Ben: … painfully friendly and accommodating … and they’re mostly white …

Donnie: … freedom fries Benfred … only freedom fries with my breakfast … wait … did you say they’re white?

Ben: Wow, freedom fries … that’s a throwback. Yes they’re mostly white.

Donnie: Well that’s a wrinkle. Maybe I can talk to them then … NO … never mind … they speak French … that’s not American…

Ben: You mean English?

Donnie: No! American! Gotta speak American Benfred. Plus Macron is such a wuss … such a Frenchified wussy wuss … that’s my next next juvenile nickname, “wussy wuss” and demand! A northern wall … across that jagged line thing.

Ben: You mean border?

Donnie: Yes, that.

Ben: We’ll definitely have to get you some more Legos.

Donnie: Yes you will. Now close the door. It’s cold in here. Global warming my ass.

Ben: But scientifically …

Donnie: Benfred!!

Ben: Sorry. Science. My bad.

After writing this back in July I finally got a chance to sit down and have a little fun. There is something to be said for such a moment in crazy, upside down, ass backwards days.

Singing leaving a bit to be desired? Check.

Frightening anyone outside my little prod studio door? Check.

Aforementioned fun? Check.

Cheers all,

It’s A Trump World We’re F****d And We Know It (And I Feel Stein)

Not great it starts with a Trumpquake
Snakes breed Snakes, a new filled swamp,
Kanye West should be afraid

Lies form a hurricane, listen to his bluster churn
Trump serves his own needs, asks you of your loyal deeds
Speed them up a notch, ring, blind, bow, kiss, no
Safety net you splatter with the lies of the right,
Downright dumpster fire only help that you can hire must be true
True to sire’s white combat house
Democracy is burning in a hurry but there’s truthies Breathing out real news

Trumpy team believers baffled, truth, sends their world stop
Must send blame…anger…hate

Uh oh, info flow, population, cannot know
What Trump’ll do to lie to self, save himself
Trump serves his own needs watches as a country bleeds
Tells you he’s been God sent a chorus of the right, leans right
You hypocritic Patriotic 5 time dodge
But You’re feelin’ pretty white

It’s a Trump world we’re fucked and we know it
It’s a Trump world we’re dumb and we show it
It’s a Trump world he won and we blew it
And I feel Stein

5 am, Fox and Friends, a Trumpy Street day begins
Lefty burns, return, always loves himself in turn
Throw him in a big parade, bombs bursting, flags wilting
Every truth a danger now, lies must escalate
Build a fire, blame the fire, ride horse, shoot horse
Trample on a flag’s trust use it as a prop must
Wrap himself in fake’s lust
Call the news the bad trust
Repeated calls, chilling calls, calling of their “lies”
He offers no solutions, only state news fake productions and I decline

It’s a Trump world we’re fucked and we know it
It’s a Trump world we’re dumb and we show it
It’s a Trump world he won and we blew it
And I feel Stein …

And I feel Stein

It’s a Trump world we’re plucked and we’re naked
It’s a Trump world we somehow let him take it
It’s a Trump world we’re blind and we hate it
And I’m not mine

In daylight we de-cide whether we should fight or hide
Try to turn the tide,
GIVE THE TRUTH A RIDE,
Martin King, George Carlin, real news, Protest party, bubblegum, apple pie, Grandma, Ellis Island,  Symbiotic, realistic slam dunk humans?
We’re right…Right?

It’s a Trump world we’re fucked and we know it
It’s a Trump world we’re dumb and we show it
It’s a Trump world he won and we blew it
And I feel Stein .

It’s a Trump world we’re fucked and we know it
It’s a Trump world we’re dumb and we show it
It’s a Trump world he won and we blew it
And I feel Stein

It’s a Trump world we’re plucked and we’re naked
It’s a Trump world we somehow let him take it
It’s a Trump world we’re blind and we hate it
And I’m not mine

It’s a Trump world we’re fucked and we know it
(TRUMP SHOULD SPEND SOME TIME IN JAIL)
It’s a Trump world we’re dumb and we show it
(TRUMP SHOULD SPEND SOME TIME IN JAIL)
It’s a Trump world he won and we blew it
(TRUMP SHOULD SPEND SOME TIME IN JAIL)
And I feel Stein ……(fading)

And as little ditties about pathological liars and their equally untruthful henchpeople go…

Lie Together

So let me see if I’ve got this straight.

Despite an only dreamed wall surrounded Mexican mountain of video evidence to the contrary, Trump’s latest spin will now have you believe that he never really said that Mexico would pay for his base red meat ego wall, that he never said that they would just write us a check, though his 2016 campaign website said essentially that, that any reporting of this wealth of video evidence is fake news, that current and former Mexican Presidents of course now, apparently, DIDN’T directly respond to the boast by saying “we won’t pay for your fucking wall” and he says, instead, with his always illusory almost magical Trump math (no one understands finances like Trump does – as all those bankruptcies will attest) that Mexico would somehow be paying for it through the reworked NAFTA deal (the Trump oh so originally and deftly re-named “United States Mexico Canada Agreement”- surely ‘agreement’ being the only difficult word find in the fresh naming – a new deal that really only makes some moderate changes to the original but was more just theater to try and support the illusion that Trump is a master negotiator) and that Mexico, paying for it in this way, would prove out the promise that he now says he never made?

That about it in a nutshell? Just trying to stay on page is all, especially considering the furious and daily onslaught/insult of lies coming from this President and his administration.

For Trump supporters who balk when his detractors call him nothing more than a simple (simple being the operative word) con man?

If you can actually buy this nonsense, this latest bold face lie/autocratic style attempt at revising the past and insisting a new State truth present, then you deserve the snake oil you’ve bought…every last, fake gold gilded made in China case of it.

So with a last Friday night’s time on my hands (the cats could wait a few extra hours for dinner I thought – they weren’t happy…but then they were…magic) I finally got a chance to sit down and produce a version of this one, ala “I Am The Walrus.” To anyone who may have chanced by my door? Apologies for what you heard as frightening acapella wailing coming from the other side. Didn’t mean to startle or to worry you. I’m OK.

I Am The Con Man

I am me as I love me and you are me
And we love me together
See how we plumb we’re pigs for the dumb
See dollars run
I’m genius

Sitting on a tax cut
Waiting for some yen to fly
Corporate stock big buy back, stupid farmer loyals
Man you’re all bunch of rubes
You let your Trump grow long

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

Mr Mrs Congress sitting
Pretty always at my beck and call
See how they buy with a gleam in their eye
See how they buy
My buuuuuulllshit….
They’re buuuuuuying….they’re buuuuuying…I’m lyyyyyyyyyyying!

Yellow ting-ed dollars
Making me a buck or three
Trumpy props’ll bring it home, tradeymarks’ll get it done
Boy I am a wealthy man
I sold the White House down

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

…Sitting in a rose-ed garden
Waiting chance to lie
And if the lie don’t play
I’ll own my fake by keeping up a perfect face…

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo goo ga-rube

No one tells me what to do it’s just the base that’s thinking that I’m true
See them form a mob call enemies a slob
See how they cry
For vengeance

No one checking numbers, they take me at my less than word
Money out of pocket, suck it up they musty
Man they are so dumb believe that this is something good

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo ga-rube, goo goo ga-rube ga goo goo ga-rube ga goo

Just a quick breakdown of some lowlights from last week that was.

Man-child threw a hissy after his intended photo-op master negotiator victory went south and instead proudly pronounced his future pride of shutting down the government just before Christmas if he didn’t get his ego wall (stomping feet, pressed fingers, pursed lips, shit thrown).

Kellyanne “Carott Nose” Conway tweeted some words in a vacuum to “The Chief” (not the honorific she surely wanted to make it seem but just an IQ simplistic short for Chief of Staff) General John Kelly and his family…thoughts and prayers that they may be able to somehow, someday, someway find for John some semblance of the white enabled self respect and credibility he held so dear until he tumbled down a deep dark orange rabbit hole where all such things are forever lost.

Mick “Weasel” Mulvaney, three hundred and thirtieth or so on the list, with lips firmly placed, was named acting “The Chief” giving him a chance to finally take a break from both dreaming a fully realized Paul Ryan-esque draconian budget dream and screwing consumer protections.

Interior Secretary Zinke resigned hoping to maybe step out of and ahead of the new swamp he has so enjoyed swimming in like many before him. He’d like to take his expensive door and some of his guns and animal trophies with him if that’s alright.

A child died. Again, with only dreams to blame.

Press Secretary Hucksterbee said she hopes her legacy will be that she has tried to be “transparent and honest” every day (cue canned sitcom laughter)

And, in my favorite moment of the week, Google CEO Sundar Pichai had to explain to Congress why googling “idiot” shows Donald Trump. He somehow restrained himself from responding “Well…duh?”

I know I said “Week in Review” but this might have just been last Tuesday or was it maybe Thursday…I don’t know…so much surreal and stupid shit happens so often that it all melds…hard to tell what constitutes a week these days. Now a new moment of required Zen…(Cheers Jon Stewart)

Kittens in paws running fastly…away from the week in review. (starring Blink)

Well, it’s just been a damned musical interlude type weekend now hasnt’ it? One more singalong from the Trump Treehouse. Invite your friends on stage…raise a beer…cheer the hecklers.

Great Ego Wall

Today is gonna be my day
That we’ll build it Red White and Blue
You know your dollars I will throw
At a problem that I’ve warned you’ll rue
No, I will build hysteria
A nation’s call to hate and watch it grow

Brown beat, we’ll get ’em in a sweep
At the border stopping all trespass
Moms / kids we’re evening the score
Don’t worry it’s a lighter gas
Just don’t believe they’re innocent
I’m busy building fears
Here and now

Cause all my no bid builders got a handshake
They’re loyal friends I promised them a real take
There are many ways for me
To force you to my will
And I’ll show you how

Cause baby
A wall is gonna be what saves me
It’s after all
A Great Ego Wall

Write a bill attach the money now
Or the government it won’t get paid
I’ll make up numbers for the base
Cause my magic math it really plays
250 Bill-ion dollars lost is what I’ll say
What’s 25?

Cause all the GOP they do my bidding
I want this fucking wall and I’m not kidding
Even Cruz is on my side, he’s such a spineless wuss
And he loves me now

Cause baby
The wall is my sure twenty twenty
I just gotta ball
This Great Ego Wall

I said pay me
Your money’s gonna be what saves me
And I want it all
My Great Ego Wall

Don’t play me
The Browns are the Devil’s playthings
When done we’ll have a big flag group sing
We’ll shoot guns in the air to new King…..

Hey! Anyone up for a singalong? I know I am.

I Am The Con Man

I am me as I love me and you are me
And we love me together
See how we plumb we’re pigs for the dumb
See dollars run
I’m genius

Sitting on a tax cut
Waiting for some yen to fly
Corporate stock big buy back, stupid farmer loyals
Man you’re all bunch of rubes
You let your Trump grow long

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

Mr Mrs Congress sitting
Pretty always at my beck and call
See how they buy with a gleam in their eye
See how they buy
My buuuuuulllshit….
They’re buuuuuuying….they’re buuuuuying…I’m lyyyyyyyyyyying!

Yellow ting-ed dollars
Making me a buck or three
Trumpy props’ll bring it home, tradeymarks’ll get it done
Boy I am a wealthy man
I sold the White House down

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube

…Sitting in a rose-ed garden
Waiting chance to lie
And if the lie don’t play
I’ll own my fake by keeping up a perfect face…

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo goo ga-rube

No one tells me what to do it’s just the base that’s thinking that I’m true
See them form a mob call enemies a slob
See how they cry
For vengeance

No one checking numbers, they take me at my less than word
Money out of pocket, suck it up they musty
Man they are so dumb believe that this is something good

I am the Charlatan
You are the simpletons
I am the Con Man
Goo goo ga-rube goo goo ga-rube, goo goo ga-rube ga goo goo ga-rube ga goo

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Saudi’s Haters – No, Lovers Club)

Ben Carson: (walking into the mini Treehouse Oval Office) … So I finally cleaned all of the full length mirrors, which was exhausting by the way, and polished the silverwa…

Donnie: …. ssssshhhhh …

Ben: Don’t you want to check my pockets?

Donnie: … sssshhhh!!!!

Ben: But you always want to check my pockets after I’ve polished the silverware … kind of throwback thing right? … you say it’s reminder of a better time …

Donnie: … yes, it WAS a better time … clearly defined roles … but shut the fuck up Benfred will ya! Can’t you see I’m on the phone … and long distance … I’m not even sure if I have international in my plan … poor taxpayers might feel this one …

Please enjoy this Verizon Wireless ringback tone while your party is reached

Donnie: Well, that’s weird.

Ben: (holding pockets inside out) See? What’s weird sir?

Donnie: His ringback. It’s usually some sort of Saudiwood sounding stuff, like some uplifting movie dance sequence, not a big fan of the whole uplifting thing of course, against my nature but, I gotta admit, it is pretty catchy and does get my hips moving … not too much though, don’t want to expend any unecessary energy …

Ben: No, you wouldn’t want to do that. You’ve only got a limited amount right?

Donnie: Exactly … gotta conserve … 2020 an all … lot’s of ego rallies … all that walking around on stage or trying to appear menacing behind a podium and pressing my fingers together, pursing my lips and trying to rile up a mob a with a ton of newly manufactured lies takes a lot … especially in as many small syllable words as possible … but it does have a great vibe … and you should have seen those Saudi babes dancing to something just like that the last time he hosted me … man, I love the veils … such sexy mystery … but I didn’t say anything rude about how hot they were … and I didn’t ask for any “company” on THAT night …

Ben: … of course you didn’t. You’re all about decorum.

Donnie: That’s right … what?

Ben: Uh, decorum?

Donnie: That’s three syllables Ben. Don’t fuck with me.

Ben: Sorry … it’s just that you’re respectful like that … proper decorum … I’ve never heard of you ever saying anything inappropriate … wait … who are we talking about here?

Donnie: Salman …”Sal”.

Ben: The Saudi Crown Prince? Mohammed Bin Salman? You call him “Sal”?

Donnie: Yeah, I call him “Sal” in private, came up with that nickname all on my own … ingenious huh? and he loves it … just loves it .. .tells me all the time how much he loves it …”Oh Donnie” he says, he calls me Donnie, very cute, but very bro, “love how you can call me Sal” … says that nobody before me thought of shortening “Salman” to “Sal” … tells many people the same thing … tried to go with “Fish” at first and then “Mo” but “Sal” really stuck … plus he said “Mo” for Mohammed was a bit of a sacrilege for some reason … I didn’t get it … and hell, he’s got like 17 other names … I can’t possibly be expected to know them all … and why is that anyway? Why so many names? Why can’t it just be simple? You know first name, last name, like all good Anglo Saxons, maybe an added initial, a number or a Junior or even a hyphen for Facebook for women who want you to remember who they were just in case things aren’t working out …

Ben: … other cultures sir … the world is a complex, complicated and beautiful place …

Donnie: … fucking foreigners …

Ben: Ummm … right that, so right you are … fucking foreigners … (fist bump not returned) … but he’s who you’re trying to call right now? … on your unsecure cell pho…

Donnie: … shut up Ben. It’s not like I’m emailing him from a personal account or something. Sheesh, that can get hacked and there might be hundred of thousands to delete. This is MY cell phone … locktight. But his ringback has changed … all I hear now is awkward silence.

Ben: Weird … but why are you trying to call HIM?

Donnie: To thank him.

Ben: For what?

Donnie: For writing that big statement I read the other day about why I’m taking no action on this reporter thing.

Ben: (incredulous) Reporter “thing”?

Donnie: Yeh … that Katz Yogi … I think he may have been Jewish and a weirdo … damned Soros … (confused look ) … what?

Ben: He wasn’t Jewish and it’s Kashoggi. He was a Muslim.

Donnie: Well that’s even worse. Anyway Stephen Miller is off this week on vacation …

Ben: I know. I saw him before he left. He had his suitcase, was wearing that iron cross chain he’s so fond of, had some Tiki Torches under his arm and was sporting a brand new haircut …

Donnie: … so the Crown Prince and his script writers offered to help me draft the statement. I would have preferred Miller, he really knows how to stir the divide, throw blame and shower me with unearned praise … I added a little bit myself though, as always, including the exclamation points.

Ben: I’m sure you did. Did you use CAPS in this one?

Donnie: I tried to get some in but they told me the exclamation points just served the same purpose or something strange like that. That part about “maybe he did but maybe he didn’t!”? Exclamation point? Mine! Sal loved that part. I wanted to CAPS the “didn’t” at the end of the sentence but hey, what can ya do … I deferred to the experts … still, that exclamation point was all me.

Ben: Sounds like you.

Donnie: I do have a style.

Ben: But you do know that Kashoggi was a good man and a journalist that was brutally murdered for speaking his mind right, for being critical of the royal family? … and he was a U.S. resident?

Donnie: Did you catch the part of the statement where the Saudis say that this Katz Yogi was an “enemy of the state”? … love that part … subtlety isn’t usually my thing but I helped them there too. There’s lots of states journalists can be enemies of ya know. Figured I’d send a little message. Nailed it I think.

Ben: … that he was human being, was dismembered and his body disposed of in acid? … and that the CIA is pretty convinced the Crown Prince ordered the whole thing …

Ben: Well (sighing) enough said on that then right? If he told you he had nothing to do with it. Kinda like Vlad?

Donnie: Exactly. Vlad said he had nothing to do with what’s turned out to be this Witch Hunt … (quizzical look)

Ben: What?

Donnie: Did you just put a carrot on your nose again … like the last times?

Ben: (removing carrot) No.

Donnie: Shit Ben, if ya can’t trust the word of a despot who can you trust?

Ben: Good point. They are nothing if not reliable in their ability to be despoty. So what are you going to do now?

Donnie: Nothing. But I gotta get Sal something.

Ben: (to self – Jesus, please not another fucking fruit basket).

Donnie: Hey did Cesar Sayoc get that Kavanaugh fruit basket I re-gifted to him?

Ben: Probably not sir. He’s in prison and that pineapple centerpiece has probably gone bad by now. I imagine they don’t deliver fruit baskets in prison either.

Donnie: Well that sucks. It’s the thought though, right?

Ben: Indeed. I’m sure he appreciates it if he even if he doesn’t  know.

Donnie: I’m thinking of tweeting a thank you to Sal for gas prices coming down by the way. Nice distraction. The base loves that shit. Show ’em I’m providing.

Ben: Even when they’re thinking of slowing production to drive prices back up?

Donnie: C’mon Ben, Sal wouldn’t do that. I call him Sal for Christ’s Sake, we’re pals. Plus right now they’re low, and that looks good.

Ben: Especially when your tax cuts have been such a bust for the regular folk.

Donnie: It’ll trickle Ben. It’ll trickle. It always does.

Ben: No, actually, it never does … you already tweeted that by the way.

Donnie: What?

Ben: That gas prices have come down.

Donnie: I did? Damn I’m good.

Ben: It was only a by a couple of cents though.

Donnie: Didn’t I make up a bigger number? That’s kind of my thing. You know, like how many American jobs me ignoring this Katz Yogi thing earned was worth.

Donnie: Why the fuck not?

Ben: Because it would be too easy to check your magic math to the actual numbers the average Joe is really paying at the pumps.

Donnie: I like that.

Ben: Like what sir?

Donnie: The “average Joe”. Has that been used before? “Average Joe”? I should lay claim to that. Just the Joe’s through … keep the Joan’s out of this. Good looking, bare foot and silent is best.

Ben: I think you’ve said that before.

Donnie: Then it must be good. Gotta write that one down … average Joe’s … Joe’s good … Joan’s bad … bare feet.

Ben: But they’ll know the numbers don’t match up when they go to pay.

Donnie: But if I tell them the price has come down to, like, a nickel a gallon because of me they’re not gonna buy it?

Ben: Not if that nickel is really $2.65 or so instead of $2.67.

Donnie: Ahhhh, “yee” of little faith Benfred … that kinda thing also helps keep the evangelicals in line by the way … shit, I’ve even got that nutcase Michele Bachmann praying for Sal … just gotta pepper in a “Yee” here and a “Thee” there and make pretend at prayer breakfasts … ahhhh, YEE of little faith Benfred … and THEE

Ben: Got the point sir. So they’ll think they’re paying 5 cents when it’s really $2.65 and they’ll just endure the pain?

Donnie: It’s what I do Ben and what they keep accepting.

Ben: You really are good at this.

Donnie: Props to me. You can have that fist bump now.

Ben: (smiles) too cool!

Donnie: Did you just add an exclamation point to that?

Ben: I did.

Donnie: Then my work is done.

Ben: Can I rewrite and throw a CAPS on TOO COOL?!

Donnie: Knock yourself out. You can never go wrong when you revision. Empty your pockets by the way.

Ben: It was only a spoon.

Donnie: All good and a fine spoon I’m sure … but really, empty your pockets.

Ben: Awwww sir!

(Canned sitcom audience laughter)

Donnie: (Grins to the camera holding a spoon)

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Alice Haters Club)

Donnie: (heavy sigh) Well he didn’t sign for it and it got returned.

Ben: Who’s “he” sir and what’s “it”?

Donnie: Kavanaugh. He wouldn’t sign for the fruit basket I sent him and now it’s been returned.

Ben: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a shame sir. And after all the thought and energy you put into trying to make it just perfect.

Donnie: I know. With a pineapple centerpiece too and like, 3 grapes, an apple, a burner cell and even an Olive Garden gift card…

Ben: … and those bland whitebread muffins with chocolate chips, which I thought was a wonderfully symbolic ‘we can all work together’ touch and the portrait of you glaring for the kicker …

Donnie: Yeh, I called him, he said something about it seeming improper.

Ben: Well, that’s surprising, considering his obviousness in the confirmation hearings. You’d think he’d be right there when it comes to inappropriate gifts and the appearance of graft. Doesn’t bode well for future gifts depending on the court’s cases now does it?

Donnie: No it doesn’t dammit, but he and I WILL talk again. You think I can re-gift it? Ya know, before the pineapple goes bad?

Ben: Well, I guess you could.

Donnie: How about that Cesar Sayoc guy? He could certainly do with a little pick me up. Great American patriot that one, loved my ego rallies, bought a hat, pretty buff too, and did his part to help keep the failing US Postal service afloat. Surely he could use some muffin lovin’ right about now, as opposed to what he’s probably gettin’, and who wouldn’t like that Olive Garden gift card?

Ben: Everyone loves an Olive Garden gift card sir but …. ummmm … probably best to steer clear of that particular re-gifting. Pretty bad optics on that one I think. Plus Olive Garden might not even exist when he’s done.

Donnie: Good point, sad, but good point. Speaking of Olive Garden, I’m famished. Care to run for a pick-up?

Ben: Sure.

…………………………………

Ben: (entering while calling into the Treehouse) Sorry sir, apparently unlimited breadsticks is a dine in only thing … sir? … sir?

(sounds of sawing and hammering and cursing)

Ben: Sir? What are you doing? Are you Ok?

Donnie: I hit my ring kiss finger. This is definitely gonna be a boo-boo.

Ben: I can see tha t…

Donnie: … think you can give it a little smooch …

Ben: That would be a no sir.

Donnie: Miss my mommy …

Ben: I’m sure you do … but, again, what are you doing?

Donnie: I’m closing up the Alice door.

Ben: The what door?

Donnie: The Alice door. The little one that I had for Sessions here after he fell down the hole and ate the small recusal cake.

Ben: Oh, right … sorry, forgot about that … been so long since he was here at the Treehouse.

Donnie: That was his own choice Benfred. It’s not like I didn’t invite him.

Ben: But you DIDN’T invite him.

Donnie: Exactly. He recused himself from this door, but he was always welcome.

Ben: Ummm … and how did that work sir?

Donnie: Never mind. I just wanna close it up, plus varmints could get in. This is a Treehouse after all. Pesky squirrels always looking for nuts …

Ben: … good spot for that here …

Donnie: … and media types climbing around always looking for truth. Fucking truth, so overrated. Can’t leave any doors untended.

Ben: So now, after you’ve fired Sessions, does that mean Whitaker will use the regular door?

Donnie: Who?

Ben: Whitaker, the guy you unconstitutionally named acting A…

Donnie: Shhhhh … (whispering and head nervously bobbling around) .. .I know who Whitaker is Ben, but I DON’T you understand … never met him socially … catch my drift?

Ben: No, but I’ll go with it.

Donnie: (back out loud) Never met the guy, but he is certainly qualified. Many Congressman say the sam…

Ben: … but didn’t you meet with him, not too long ago, to discuss the Meuller prob …

Donnie: … (back to whispering) No Ben! Shit! You’re no good at this shhhhssssing to an aside whisper thing!

Ben: Sorry, it’s easy to get lost with you sir.

Donnie: It’s my eyes … and I didn’t fire him Ben…

Ben: Who?

Donnie: Sessions.

Ben: Oh, right.

Donnie: I didn’t fire him Ben, he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting …

Ben: … at your request …

Donnie: … yes, so I didn’t really fire him, he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting …

Ben: … at your request …

Donnie: … yes, so I didn’t really fire him …

Ben: Seems we’re stuck in a loop sir.

Donnie: … he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting…

Ben: … at your request …

Donnie: … yes, so I didn’t really fire him …

Ben: (throws a brand new silver dollar, a flag and a gold cross on the floor)

Donnie: … (scrambles) ooooohhh, shiny … (more scrambles) … and patriotically fluttery …and (eyes lit up) … ooooohhh, evangelically shiny …

Ben: Sir? Come back. You with me now?

Donnie: (confused head shakes but coming around) … ummm, yeah, I think so.

Ben: (to self) works every time. Good. So Whitaker can use the regular door?

Donnie: (back at full strength) Who?

Ben: That’s better.

Donnie: Might have to widen it a bit though, he’s got a really big basketball sized cue ball-like head.

Ben: But it’ll be worth it right?

Donnie: Damn straight! Even though I don’t know the guy (winks) …

Ben: (winks back)

Donnie: … he’ll fit right in here.

Ben: Gotta love someone who thinks you’re all powerful huh? Above the law.

Donnie: Part of my required’s Ben.

Ben: You vetted him personally right?

Donnie: If I had ever met him, of course. And I let him keep the pen. Well gotta run.

Ben: ?

Donnie: Off to Paris with the … with the … with the … damn …

Ben: The first lady?

Donnie: Oh right … Being Best an al l … still don’t get that one … and I know all about best … yes her. Gotta talk about WWI or something like that … big war you know Ben … tough war … fought like a war … I almost fought a war … foot hurt … was a big one as wars go … the reason they named it #1 … like me, #1 … I’m considered an expert on it by the way … not too many people know that …

Ben: No, pretty much no one knows that.  I checked the forecast. You want I should pack you an umbrella?

Donnie: No need.