A newly revised part two to something I wrote a while back about seeing the “Angel of Death” in the middle of route 9 in Poughkeepsie, a post that is visited again and again by readers here (actually now my most viewed post since I wrote it a few Springs ago) which is just waaaay cool for whatever the reason as it is a pretty good one if I do say so … and I do. And a fully produced audio version of it is also included in that post which is the highlighted sentence below to lead this off … read that first if you’re interested.
So, are you that guy who saw me on Route 9 in Poughkeepsie a few month’s back?
What?
Are you that guy who saw me standing in between lanes with my hourglass?
(overly dramatic voice over – A dark living dead canvas’s din of wailing damnation stretches to an endless horizon with hopeless flailing and violent blood lettings and grotesque gouging’s and awkward people singing karaoke and all nasty similar assorted things with paintings by Hieronymus Bosch and Bob Ross hanging slightly askew from every wall as well as posters of Farah Fawcett and Scott Baio and cats that are just hanging in there as far as burned out eyes can see and even a child’s finger painted pictures of all the wretched done on multi colored thick grade school paper are stuck on on countless refrigerators with blood and little cat magnets)
Oh, ok, well that’s somewhat unsettling and a bit silly, but I’m a little confused, a lot more than a little confused really, actually a bit freaked out right now as a matter of fact. Where the Hell am I?
Exactly
????
So, are you that guy that wrote about seeing me there in Poughkeepsie?
Well, yeah, I guess
You guess?
Ok, I jokingly wrote about some guy I saw dressed as the Angel of Death in the middle of Route 9 between a couple of mattress stores, across from a T.G.I. Fridays and a specialty soap shop and a convenience store … but it was just me writing a story!
And that I may have been ordering a burger from that T.G.I. Fridays while I passed the time being all Angel of Death and possibly thinking of doing Angel of Death stuff?
Well, sure, whatever … hold on … you’re not gonna “scythe” me by the way, or whatever it is that you all Angels of Death do, point a death finger or something are ya?
Not yet … spot on on the burger by the way, blood rare, locusts, frogs, extra cheese and fries plus the apple cobbler dessert special. Nice touch. Who doesn’t love themselves a nice apple cobbler?
Alright, with ya on the apple cobbler, grant ya that, some vanilla ice cream too for a bonus if the cobbler is warm, I mean who doesn’t love that …
Hey, I can do warm
Of course you can
… and at the end you asked, as you were worried if I were there in the middle of Route 9 in Poughkeepsie to possibly bring about the end of days, if I could at least let you grab your dinner, feed your cats and clean a litter box or two before the end? It’s kinda pathetic by the way
Hey, shut up!! but that wasn’t real!!! You were just some nutter in a crappy Grim Reaper get up with an hourglass and …
Careful
Ok, not nutter, maybe just some freak …
Hey, what did I just say about careful?
Fine, fine. Hold off on the scythe will ya? You were an actual Angel of Death, not some random nutter freak in a bad costume in the middle of Route 9 in Poughkeepsie but the real deal
Now you’re getting it
But that was the best you could do?
What?
The outfit? The bad costume? It was soooo High School stage production, and the hourglass was soooo small, there wasn’t anything that you could have grabbed tha …
Hey! I grab what I can from the old morality plays! Hard to come by trustworthy folks around this place ya know, people walk off with costumes and props all the time, for Halloween and freaky parades and funeral parties and then never return ’em … I just grabbed the last things left. It served its purpose though right?
Well not really, it seemed more of a dark thrift store long coat that someone probably died in smelling of urine soaked alleyways and sweat with a too small hourglass in hand …
Ha, died smelling of urine soaked alleyways and sweat … that’s not bad … can I use that?
Sure
And I got a compliment on it
Ah, probably just someone being kind
You’re a dick
I’ve been told. You need to get your costume and prop people in line though and get them to return shit. Halloween and freaky parades and parties as funerals or funerals as parties may have their place but …
Ok whatever, but you know you’re dead right?
(looking around) Jesus dude … is the cleaning lady off today …?
Really?
Oh right, bad exclamation
You still know you’re dead right?
What? No, I’m not, I have cats
You’re not Bill? Who hates cats?
Bill who?
That guy with the bus this morning, the one who wrote about me?
Oh, I read about that … awful business … we’re all so freakin’ immersed in our cell phones … just one bad step when you’re not paying attention and WHAP!! SQUASH!! Bystanders turning in horror and puking on their shoes … and, hey, this Bill fella didn’t try to take credit for that did he, say he was the one who wrote my thing about you?!
So, you’re not that guy? That Bill?
Very much NOT thank you and my name is Steve by the way and I am very much alive, with said cats … just fed them as a matter of fact
Yeah, you told me about the cat thing … still pathetic …you don’t have a girlfriend do you?
What?
Never mind, I’ll leave you be … a NOT Bill as you say … for now … here’s my card
/////////////////////////////
Ahhhh dammit!! Careful willya?! Can you NOT knock shit over please?
(overly dramatic voice over – A dark living dead canvas’s din of wailing damnation stretches to an endless horizon with hopeless flailing and violent blood lettings and grotesque gouging’s and awkward people singing karaoke and all nasty similar assorted things with paintings by Hieronymus Bosch and Bob Ross hanging slightly askew from every wall as well as posters of Farah Fawcett and Scott Baio and cats that are just hanging in there as far as burned out eyes can see and even a child’s finger painted pictures of all the wretched done on multi colored thick grade school paper are stuck on on countless refrigerators with blood and little cat magnets)
(after bumping into a mantle and crashing a snow globe onto the floor) Ohhh man, I am so sorry, I can pay for that.
How?
Well, I do have a few dolla …
No, no you don’t, you’re dead, you couldn’t take it with you as all those fucking songs were trying to remind you.
Oh, you mean like that one Alan Parsons Project tune from … hold on … love that song … love that song … gimme a sec … gimme a sec .. the one from … uh … from Pyramid? Third album?
Yeah
It’s just one of the litany of endless song drivel about the obvious Bill … and always in an attempted profound kind of way, like that was gonna somehow get you in her pants at that dive pub while you drunkenly jotted things on a napkin hoping to impress her with how “deep” you were …
My name’s not Bill
What?
My name’s not Bill, It’s Steve
Seriously?!! You want to quibble about names?!!
Well, it is kind of important it seems, especially since he’s the guy with the bus and the WHAP!! SQUASH!! and shoe puke, not me!!
Do you hear yourself? … (bending down to try and clean up pieces of the snow globe) Man, where the fuck is a broom and dustpan when you need one …
Probably with the cleaning lady who obviously didn’t think to come in today
… you know this one was one of my favorites?
I really am sorry
It was Pompeii, all of them huddled together in fear while the ashes … oh those ashes … glorious stuff … how it floated death … you could shake it up and … like, like deadly Christmas … and now you’ve gone and fucked up my Pompei Christmas Bill!
Apologies again, I didn’t realize there was a mantle here, I mean, whodathunk? A nice mantle? In Hell? I can be a bit clumsy … plus I’m kind of new to this plac …
(overly dramatic voice over – A dark living dead canvas’s din of wailing damnation stretches to an endless horizon with hopeless flailing and violent blood lettings and grotesque gouging’s and awkward people singing karaoke and all nasty similar assorted things with paintings by Hieronymus Bosch and Bob Ross hanging slightly askew from every wall as well as posters of Farah Fawcett and Scott Baio and cats that are just hanging in there as far as burned out eyes can see and even a child’s finger painted pictures of all the wretched done on multi colored thick grade school paper are stuck on on countless refrigerators with blood and little cat magnets)
Damn, does that ever stop? Or is it like when you’re on hold for that associate that might or might not pick up in like 5 to too many minutes?
Sorry, pre-recorded thing, usually closer to the too many minutes, or even infinite or really past that by quite a good margin, eternity you might say … of course there’s a mantle Bill … why wouldn’t there be a mantle, or are you judging me, that I can’t have a nice house with proper nice house things, like mantles?
Have you looked around here lately?
Sarcasm not appreciated Bill … I mean where the hell are you going to display your proudest of knick knacks and set them up for the holidays?
It’s Steve
What?!!!
It’s Steve, you called me Bill again
You know Phil when I find my broom I’m going to beat you to death with it and …
Well, not much point in that if I’m already dead as you say right?
… well, I’m going to beat you death with it twice and then clean up Pompeii (picking up tiny characters) I mean look at this, all spooned together, how cute is that?
It’s not really. It’s kind of sad
Ok ground rules Dave
It’s Steve
Ok ground rules Chris, I don’t care of sad, not caring of sad is pretty much what I do, it’s just a tired human trait that helps them explain how they feel when one of theirs gets dead. And I don’t care how it happens. It can be a bus …
And that was awful … WHAP!! SQUASH!! puke …
Shut up Frank … it can be a bus, or a knife or a loss of head … like Highlander, loved that Sean Connery with his Scottish swish, though that whole immortal thing was just funny, so dramatic, so unreal, it can be a tall bridge swan song, it can be cancer or a gun shot or shots like in the movies or even in your real world like at traffic stops, don’t be black by the way, even the simplest of cuts that just get ignored and then fester till sepsis sets in, that’s one of my favorites, so slow, so preventable … ain’t nothing sexier …
But?
Shut up Steve it’s all abou …
Finally, you got it right
What!?
My name, you got it right
Of course I did Steve, I know everyone’s name. Have you looked at my mantle, the one you just bumped into and blew up my Pompeii snow globe from (with a “stop hanging in there, you’re dead” cat poster hanging above it with an infinite list of names superimposed)
Woah, that’s a lot of names … wait … hey, I had that poster!! Well, not quite THAT poster
Everyone had that poster Kirk
Ahh man, again? It’s Steve!
Oh, shut up Sherry
Whoa, I’m a woman now?
Does it matter? You’re dead
Yes, it does …
Yes, I know Terry …
Wait, hold on, Terry, that’s alright
What?
I kinda like Terry
Not Alejandro? That was my next one
Where the fuck would come from? No, I don’t speak Spanish though that is kind of sexy … no Terry’s Ok, I mean if you’re going to call me something that isn’t Steve, I can be Ok with Terry.
Whoa hold up, this isn’t one of those gender things is it?
What?
It’s just those conservative guys keep going on and on about gender things like it’s the end of the world or something … and if anyone knows the end of world, well, it ain’t that. Believe me.
No, I just like Terry, it just happens to be able to go both ways, they were Steelers quarterbacks by the way
The whoers?
The Steelers … a football team. I loved my 70’s Steelers.
Ok, whatever old man but we’ll go with Terry, yeah, I’ll remember that now plus Steve sounds a bit of a dullard name
Hey, hey, no it doesn’t!
Shut up Terry
I’m also not dead as you seem so intent on believing and I keep trying to tell ya
Right, of course you’re not, they all say that
No really, I’m not
You’re not? (giggling to death self) Are you sure (more giggling)?
Yes, I mean no, I have cats like I said, the one’s I fed like 5 minutes ago before this nightmare and you confused me with some dude named Bill who apparently was too much of a moron to not look up from his phone for a second before stepping off the curb and a WHAP!! SQUASH!! shoe puke … I’m so I’m not dead yet, as a matter of fact that one, as I look through this weird ass mirror of yours is meowing right now like she’s at the funeral of a lost cat friend and in just a few minutes she’s probably gonna start splashing around her water bowl like it’s some kiddie pool and annoy the hell out of me, no slight intended, and that one, Bella is yawning at belly rubs on a kitchen table in a living room with an “Oh, you’re all good girlfriend, dinner’s right up here in a sec” … from me, and that’s me, giving the belly rubs … right now.
Well, that’s weird.
What?
Me seeing you through this swishy looking mirror thing while you’re right here, that’s kinda new. But it’s more than that.
What is?
You have a kitchen table in the living room?
Ok?
That a cat sleeps on?
Yeah … your point?
You don’t eat there do you? I meant that’s just fucking gross. Ah, never mind (looking around) How are you here then?
I don’t know, you tell me.
Dammit, really? (looking around twice) Son of a bitch I’m going to be in so much trouble.
Well, that’s all you, dinner and litter boxes and water bowls here man, just figure out a way to get me … I don’t know, get me back to “me” I guess, probably through that swishy looking weird mirror thing there. Here’s my card, my still living card … it says “Steve”.
///////////////////////////////
I don’t know Mom, I’m sorry, he seemed sooooo dead …
How many times have I told you to NOT go into the world of the living and fool around? This isn’t a game!
But Mom? I was just hungry and bored.
Just go, go to your room, and clean up that mess … and that Pompei snow globe was a treasured gift by the way.
But that’s the cleaning lady’s job …
Well obviously she hasn’t been around lately so just go, get to it!
And what’s with that swishy looking mirror thing Mom? … ???? … Ok, my bad, won’t ask, gotcha, backing out of the room now …
(overly dramatic voice over – A dark live canvas’s din of damnation stretches with hopeless flailing and violent blood lettings and grotesque gouging’s and awkward people singing karaoke and all nasty similar assorted things with paintings by Hieronymus Bosch and Bob Ross …
Ok, can someone turn that fuckin thing off by the way?!!