(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Lego Haters Club)
A bit of a catch up as it has been a while
Ben Carson “Benfred”: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, something of which he knows nothing. De facto butler, a Batman’s Alfred or “Benfred” here to that guy. Has “bootstraps” tattooed on his ankles as a reminder to those less fortunate.
Donnie: That guy.
Other Players: There have been some and will be others but don’t know yet. Haven’t finished writing this. Will revise when done (well now, that’s a bit of a loop huh?)
Ben: Are those Legos sir?
Donnie: (sitting cross legged on his faux Oval Office rug…Legos strewn all around him) Yes Ben. Mommy got these for me.
Donnie: Well, who else would get me Legos? Sheesh.
Ben: You sure?
Donnie: Ummm…(rolling his eyes) …yeh.
Ben: But your mommy is long dead sir. Kellyanne?
Donnie: Ben, you know me and my life too well…I’ll have to note that with the Secret Service by the way…no offense. Can never be too careful.
Ben: None taken sir. Let ’em know I’m Christian, have a flag on my lapel and am only black on the outside…just in case.
Donnie: Will do.
Ben: Did she get you this over sized map of the Southern border as well?
Donnie: She did. Pretty colors. The big one is Texas I think.
Ben: It is.
Donnie: I knew it!
Ben: Your geography is getting better.
Donnie: I know huh? That one is easy though. Texas – big state. Cruz – big lapdog. Wife – big ugly -Texas.
Ben: Well alrighty then. What’s the one next to it Sir?
Donnie: Is it…wait…I got this…is it another State?
Ben: It is. Damn you’re good!
Donnie: (proudly) That. I. Am.
Ben: So what’s with all the Legos by the way?
Donnie: I’m practicing.
Ben: Practicing what sir?
Donnie: Building a wall.
Ben: Surely you have friends already lined up to do that for you?
Donnie: I do…good friends…blindly loyal friends. Ring kiss types with a shitload of secrets that I know down to every detail. Lots of blown sunshine and no-bid back room handshake contracts. Friends that would run through a wall for me…out of fear mostly…but legally of course and without any imaginary women bound with duct tape in the trunks of their cars. But I want to…
Ben: He He. That’s funny sir.
Donnie: Imaginary women bound with duct tape in the trunks of their cars? What the fuck is wrong with you Benfred?
Ben: No…run THROUGH a wall?…and you want to BUILD a wall?
Donnie: What the hell are you talking about Benfred?
Ben: Sorry, it’s just that…
Donnie: They can’t very well run through a wall for me that’s not built yet now can they? That’s why I need the money. Jesus Ben!
Ben: Oh, my bad, you were speaking metaphorically.
Ben: You were speaking metaphorically?
Ben: It’s when you use a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an action that is not literally applicable and…
Ben: …you Ok sir? Your eyes seem to be glazing over a little and…is that drool?
Ben: What sir?
Donnie: There’s blue Legos in here! I specifically asked Mommy in my wish list for only red and white Legos! (starts to well up)
Ben: Hey hey sir, it’s Ok. We can get you another set of Legos with only red and white bricks.
Donnie: (sniffling) You sure?
Ben: Of course.
Donnie: (brightening up a bit) We need a new flag by the way. Do you think you can get a set that includes Lego gun turrets, Lego high powered water hoses and Lego tear gas bombs?
Ben: Ummmm…well…we can certainly try.
Donnie: How about a set with with small Lego tents, Lego cages, Lego barracks. Lego barbed wire fences and Lego children…that’s the cutest thing EVER…small lego children.
Donnie: C’mon Ben. I’ve seen all the Lego movie documentaries. They’ve got everything, even Batman. You know I’m thinking that we could set up a Lego Bat signal from the top of the White House, just in case we need him. A guy like that could come in handy and would make for some great PR. I mean, who doesn’t love Batman right? The base would eat it up. Real hero, like me only his feet don’t hurt…though he is a little short…but we can work that out with the right camera angles…and his voice…it’s a bit dramatic…a bit gravelly…not quite the lilting, comforting remedial tenor of mine but I’m sure we could coach him.
Ben: I’ll reach out to his people.
Donnie: You do that. Mommy got me another oversized map by the way, but I don’t understand it.
Ben: It’s all of North America
Donnie: North America?
Ben: It’s the continent we live on.
Donnie: Does it come with bagels AND cream cheese and free coffee?
Donnie: (looking at it) There’s also a jagged line across the top…wait…is there another border?
Ben: Yeh…north of us sir.
Donnie: But I thought we were the top of the world?
Ben: I know, we are, metaphorically speak…
Ben: We all think that sir but geographic…
Donnie: (drool twice)
Ben: It’s Canada sir.
Donnie: Hold on. So you’re telling me there’s another border? Shit, I’m gonna need more Legos.
Ben: No, I think you’re good sir.
Donnie: You sure? But it’s another border. Lot’s of lawlessness…new caravans…Chinese not cheap Candian drugs…violent women and children…terrorists disguised as Mooses and…umm…Canadian gangs being nice…
Donnie: A group of Moose Ben. Crazed Mooses Ben. Mooses that mean us harm. Damn you’re dim.
Ben: But they’re friendly sir…
Donnie: …don’t some of them speak French?…
Ben: …painfully friendly and accommodating…and they’re mostly white…
Donnie: …freedom fries Benfred…only freedom fries with my breakfast…wait…did you say they’re white?
Ben: Wow, freedom fries…that’s a throwback. Yes they’re mostly white.
Donnie: Well that’s a wrinkle. Maybe I can talk to them then…NO…never mind…they speak French…that’s not American…
Ben: You mean English?
Donnie: No! American! Gotta speak American Benfred. Plus Macron is such a wuss…such a Frenchified wussy wuss…that’s my next next juvenile nickname, “wussy wuss” and demand! A northern wall…across that jagged line thing..
Ben: You mean border?
Donnie: Yes, that.
Ben: We’ll definitely have to get you some more Legos.
Donnie: Yes you will. Now close the door. It’s cold in here. Global warming my ass.
Ben: But scientifically…
Ben: Sorry. Science. My bad.