Apologies from Guyville

This entry for the “Attic” is really nothing more than a self observation and a note to my Maria because, as write this, I’m noticing that I’m very much in Guyville. I realize it’s stereotypical and it’s been written of and performed about in comedy routines so much so that it’s become boringly cliché’ but, as I write this, I’m in desperate need of a shave, I’m wearing a ratty t-shirt from, I think, my college days, old flannel pajamas that have holes that show glimpses of me that don’t need to be seen, not even by myself in the shower and the underwear I have on is one thread away from not just falling off, but from simply no longer existing. Shoes (the cat) is licking the condensation off the beer can and I’ve got on two socks that don’t match (they don’t just “not match,” by the way, one of them I don’t even think was designed for the human foot but seemed clean this morning). I’m definitely in Guyville but the problem is, of course, that I’m not the sole inhabitant of this shanty town.

When I think about it the women in our lives certainly deserve more credit than we give them because they continue to be the women in our lives as we roam around the house in just such outfits. When my Maria is in and just “around the house” she still looks quite fetching while I, as I’ve just described, look like a schlub. So a thank you is in order first and then, secondly a plea is in order to not toss the stuff if I promise to not answer the door.

I guess there is a comfort in these clothes that goes back to the genuine days of Guyville when I was by myself and just looked forward to being done with the day. Schlubbing at the end of it was always in order even if I didn’t wear anything all that nice during the day in the first place. There is also laziness but I won’t go there as that’ll just open up a whole new can of schlubness when Maria reads this.

There is too the comfort of being together with someone but that can lead to complacency and I’m doing my best to not take that for granted and instead remember, as I said earlier, that I don’t exist as the sole inhabitant of my world now. I haven’t been reading any relationship help books or sappy novels, sorry Oprah, but I can safely assume that looking like a schlub during most of the time that is spent together isn’t great in promoting togetherness.

So what I’m going to do now is be proactive and finally let my underwear no longer exist and instead find a pair that I didn’t buy 20 years ago in a super K-Mart while also picking up steaks, beer, lawn chairs and a leaf blower. I think it’s also high time that I retire some of the said ratty t-shirts and jammies (yes, I’m still a child at heart) and instead find a nice three piece outfit of new t-shirt, pajamas, sans holes and socks that weren’t worn by an animal at some point to keep it from chewing off its’ own foot. Then I will finish my attic thoughts, find a razor and remind my Maria that she still and always looks quite fetching “around the house.”

Plus Shoes has finally finished licking the condensation off the beer can and instead has decided that something in my overgrown face looks interesting. It’s time to exit Guyville. Now where’s that razor… “Ouch Shoes! that’s skin!”…


Old DJ, New Paintbrush

When I saw online over the weekend that there were pictures of the Khloe Kardashian “wedding” I was so excited to get to the shots of that, surely, oh so magic day that I nearly…

Kidding. I didn’t “nearly” do anything other than come to the realization that eventually there might be babies from this union and if Khloe and her family are any indication of what’s to come then surely the folks at MENSA are already preparing for future members.

My weekend was spent in the attic painting (the real attic that I work in, not the figurative one in the mind of this blog). Actually, it’s the continuing to paint now that the taping and sanding of the sheetrock is finally done. Some important discoveries have been made during the painting process and I thought I’d share with you some of these said discoveries so, if you have a similar project in the future, I might be of some assistance.

Now, first, I should note that when I say discoveries I’m really saying mistakes just in a kinder light because, on second note,…I’m a DJ, I don’t make any painting claims on my resume.

For instance: Sheetrock is just a little on the porous side so when you’re laying down the first primer coat don’t think you’re going to save time buying into the “primer and paint in one!” scam. I never trusted shampoo and conditioner in one so I should have been wary. No you should listen to your sheetrocker, Rob, when he tells you that Melanie, his better half and the painter in the family, always lays down a flat white first. Three coats each of two awkward walls in one room later (and still needing another coat)? Yes, I listened to Melanie by proxy and bought a flat white paint for the other room. See? Lesson and time removed from life learned.

For instance 2: When putting tape along the edges of the other two walls that dream of being a different color from the first two don’t let the paint dry completely. Pull the tape when still tacky (that’s a painting word and, again, I’m a DJ) if not you’ll hear the 3 coated walls scream as you pull off the paint like skin from a body in a horror movie. Or you’ll just hear many expletives from the novice painter when his Maria makes the same discovery…down the edges of an entire wall.

For instance 3: When Rob your sheetrocker says that he can put the small wall above your stairs flush above them don’t instead imagine a cool little recessed cubby spot for a knick knack or two that you’ll never use because you can’t get to it. Stairs tend go down as you descend. The cool little recessed cubby that you imagine for a knick knack or two above your stairs that you’ll never use? It stays where it is. Way above your freakin’ head. With two other flush walls on either side. And however cool your little paint roller extendo stick might seem, it really sucks in practice when using it to paint that cool little recessed cubby spot for a knick knack or two that you’ll never use while descending down the stairs. Really, it does.

For instance 4: Small helpers (our Jagger) can be of great assistance when you direct them to a wall with a little paint, a small roller and some simple directions. Just make sure they’ve discovered a new site at NFL.com that they can immerse themselves in when they become incredibly bored with some paint, a small roller and simple directions. Just be ready to “Come look at this!” every thirty seconds at their new online find.

For instance 5: However much you love your Benny & Shoes they have paws and noses…which step in and sniff at stuff…cat curious like…and leave paw prints…everywhere…and, by the way, have you ever tried to clean a cat’s nose?

All in all though, the attic is finally shaping up. I’m hoping that the other room will prove to be easier and less time consuming now that I’ve learned some valuable painting lessons. Some of the for instances will still be on hand as the learning process doesn’t necessarily make our Jagger or Benny & Shoes learn the lessons at the same rate that I’m trying to. But precautions can be taken to try and assure that painting room two runs more smoothly and has less distractions and cat paw touch ups.

New for instance: I’ve been saving scrap paper to crumple up into balls for Jagger to chase down the stairs and I’ve made sure that the saved WWE “Smackdown/Raw/Kick some Wrestling Butt and Check out this Ladder as Weapon” special events that seem to happen every day are not deleted from the DVR so that Benny & Shoes will be occupied.

New for instance 2: Let my Maria know it’s OK to go shopping for sexy shoes while I work.

Hopefully I’m at the top of the learning curve, at least for the moment, but do I realize that it is a curve. Curves do come down. So I’m mentally preparing myself for new for instances like, say, a small bird landing on the one weak spot in the roof that we weren’t aware of causing the ceiling to buckle and ruin that perfect line I had between a wall of one color and a wall of another.

Actually I’m not sure exactly what my mental preparedness is for that for instance is but I’m at least telling myself that I am ready for it. I can always call sheetrocker Rob and painter Melanie. They’re experts. I’m sure that they’ve faced similar for instances and I now have them on speed dial.