(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Saudi’s Haters – No, Lovers Club)
Ben Carson: (walking into the mini Treehouse Oval Office)…So I finally cleaned all of the full length mirrors, which was exhausting by the way, and polished the silverwa…
Ben: Don’t you want to check my pockets?
Ben: But you always want to check my pockets after I’ve polished the silverware…a kind of throwback thing right?…you say it’s reminder of a better time…
Donnie: …yes, it WAS a better time…clearly defined roles…but shut the fuck up Benfred will ya! Can’t you see I’m on the phone…and long distance…I’m not even sure if I have international in my plan…poor taxpayers might feel this one…
Please enjoy this Verizon Wireless ringback tone while your party is reached
Donnie: Well, that’s weird.
Ben: (holding pockets inside out) See? What’s weird sir?
Donnie: His ringback. It’s usually some sort of Saudiwood sounding stuff, like some uplifting movie dance sequence, not a big fan of the whole uplifting thing of course, against my nature but, I gotta admit, it is pretty catchy and does get my hips moving…not too much though, don’t want to expend any unecessary energy…
Ben: No, you wouldn’t want to do that. You’ve only got a limited amount right?
Donnie: Exactly…and gotta conserve…2020 an all…lot’s of ego rallies…all that walking around on stage or trying to appear menacing behind a podium and pressing my fingers together, pursing my lips and trying to rile up a mob a with a ton of newly manufactured lies takes a lot…especially in as many small syllable words as possible…but it does have a great vibe…and you should have seen those Saudi babes dancing to something just like that the last time he hosted me…man, I love the veils…such sexy mystery…but I didn’t say anything rude about how hot they were…and I didn’t ask for any “company” on THAT night…
Ben: …of course you didn’t. You’re all about decorum.
Donnie: That’s right…what?
Ben: Uh, decorum?
Donnie: That’s three syllables Ben. Don’t fuck with me.
Ben: Sorry…it’s just that you’re respectful like that…proper decorum…I’ve never heard of you ever saying anything inappropriate…wait…who are we talking about here?
Ben: The Saudi Crown Prince? Mohammed Bin Salman? You call him “Sal”?
Donnie: Yeh, I call him “Sal” in private, came up with that nickname all on my own…ingenious huh? and he loves it…just loves it…tells me all the time how much he loves it…”Oh Donnie” he says, he calls me Donnie, very cute, but very bro, “love how you can call me Sal”…says that nobody before me thought of shortening “Salman” to “Sal”…tells many people the same thing…tried to go with “Fish” at first and then “Mo” but “Sal” really stuck…plus he said “Mo” for Mohammed was a bit of a sacrilege for some reason…I didn’t get it…and hell, he’s got like 17 other names…I can’t possibly be expected to know them all…and why is that anyway? Why so many names? Why can’t it just be simple? You know first name, last name, like all good Anglo Saxons, maybe an added initial, a number or a Junior or even a hyphen for Facebook for women who want you to remember who they were just in case things aren’t working ou…
Ben: …other cultures sir…the world is a complex, complicated and beautiful place…
Donnie: …fucking foreigners…
Ben: Ummm…right that, so right you are…fucking foreigners…(fist bump not returned)…but he’s who you’re trying to call right now?…on your unsecured cell pho…
Donnie: …shut up Ben. It’s not like I’m emailing him from a personal account or something. Sheesh, that can get hacked and there might be hundred of thousands to delete. This is MY cell phone…locktight. But his ringback has changed…all I hear now is awkward silence.
Ben: Weird…but why are you trying to call HIM?
Donnie: To thank him.
Ben: For what?
Donnie: For writing that big statement I read the other day about why I’m taking no action on this reporter thing.
Ben: (incredulous) Reporter “thing”?
Donnie: Yeh…that Katz Yogi…I think he may have been Jewish and a weirdo…damned Soros…(confused look)…what?
Ben: He wasn’t Jewish and it’s Kashoggi. He was a Muslim.
Donnie: Well that’s even worse. Anyway Stephen Miller is off this week on vacation…
Ben: I know. I saw him before he left. He had his suitcase, was wearing that iron cross chain he’s so fond of, had some Tiki Torches under his arm and was sporting a brand new haircut…
Donnie: …so the Crown Prince and his script writers offered to help me draft the statement. I would have preferred Miller, he really knows how to stir the divide, throw blame and shower me with unearned praise…I added a little bit myself though, as always, including the exclamation points.
Ben: I’m sure you did. Did you use CAPS in this one?
Donnie: I tried to get some in but they told me the exclamation points just served the same purpose or something strange like that. That part about “maybe he did but maybe he didn’t!”? Exclamation point? Mine! Sal loved that part. I wanted to CAPS the “didn’t” at the end of the sentence but hey, what can ya do…I deferred to the experts…still, that exclamation point was all me.
Ben: Sounds like you.
Donnie: I do have a style.
Ben: But you do know that Kashoggi was a good man and a journalist that was brutally murdered for speaking his mind right, for being critical of the royal family?…and he was a U.S. resident?
Donnie: Did you catch the part of the statement where the Saudis say that this Katz Yogi was an “enemy of the state”?…love that part…subtlety isn’t usually my thing but I helped them there too. There’s lots of states journalists can be enemies of ya know. Figured I’d send a little message. Nailed it I think.
Ben: …that he was human being, was dismembered and his body disposed of in acid?…and that the CIA is pretty convinced the Crown Prince ordered the whole thing…
Ben: Well (sighing) enough said on that then right? If he told you he had nothing to do with it. Kinda like Vlad?
Donnie: Exactly. Vlad said he had nothing to do with what’s turned out to be this Witch Hunt…(quizzical look)
Donnie: Did you just put a carrot on your nose again…like last time?
Ben: (removing carrot) No.
Donnie: Shit Ben, if ya can’t trust the word of a despot who can you trust?
Ben: Good point. They are nothing if not reliable in their ability to be despoty. So what are you going to do now?
Donnie: Nothing. But I gotta get Sal something.
Ben: (to self – Jesus, please not another fucking fruit basket).
Donnie: Hey did Cesar Sayoc get that Kavanaugh fruit basket I re-gifted to him?
Ben: Probably not sir. He’s in prison and that pineapple centerpiece has probably gone bad by now. I imagine they don’t deliver fruit baskets in prison either.
Donnie: Well that sucks. It’s the thought though, right?
Ben: Indeed. I’m sure he appreciates it if he even knows.
Donnie: I’m thinking of tweeting a thank you to Sal for gas prices coming down by the way. Nice distraction. The base loves that shit. Show ’em I’m providing.
Ben: Even when they’re thinking of slowing production to drive prices back up?
Donnie: C’mon Ben, Sal wouldn’t do that. I call him Sal for Christ’s Sake, we’re pals. Plus right now they’re low, and that looks good.
Ben: Especially when your tax cuts have been such a bust for the regular folk.
Donnie: It’ll trickle Ben. It’ll trickle. It always does.
Ben: No, actually, it never does…you already tweeted that by the way.
Ben: That gas prices have come down.
Donnie: I did? Damn I’m good.
Ben: It was only a by a couple of cents though.
Donnie: Didn’t I make up a bigger number? That’s kind of my thing. You know, like how many American jobs ignoring this Katz Yogi thing was worth
Donnie: Why the fuck not?
Ben: Because it would be too easy to check your magic math to actual numbers the average Joe is really paying at the pumps.
Donnie: I like that.
Ben: Like what sir?
Donnie: The “average Joe”. Has that been used before? “Average Joe”? I should lay claim to that. Just the Joe’s through…keep the Joan’s out of this. Good looking, bare foot and silent is best.
Ben: I think you’ve said that before.
Donnie: Then it must be good. Gotta write that one down…average Joe’s…Joe’s good…Joan’s bad…bare feet.
Ben: But they’ll know the numbers don’t match up when they go to pay.
Donnie: But if I tell them the price has come down to, like, a nickel a gallon because of me they’re not gonna buy it?
Ben: Not if that nickel is really $2.65 or so instead of $2.67.
Donnie: Ahhhh, “yee” of little faith Benfred…that kinda thing also helps keep the evangelicals in line by the way…shit, I’ve even got that nutcase Michele Bachmann praying for Sal…just gotta pepper in a “Yee” here and a “Thee” there and make pretend at prayer breakfasts…ahhhh, YEE of little faith Benfred…and THEE
Ben: Got the point sir. So they’ll think they’re paying 5 cents when it’s really $2.65 and they’ll just endure the pain?
Donnie: It’s what I do Ben and what they keep accepting.
Ben: You really are good at this.
Donnie: Props to me. You can have that fist bump now.
Ben: (smiles) too cool!
Donnie: Did you just add an exclamation point to that?
Ben: I did.
Donnie: Then my work is done.
Ben: Can I rewrite and throw a CAPS on TOO COOL?!
Donnie: Knock yourself out. You can never go wrong when you revision. Empty your pockets by the way.
Ben: It was only a spoon.
Donnie: All good and a fine spoon I’m sure…but really, empty your pockets.
Ben: Awwww sir!
(Canned sitcom audience laughter)
Donnie: (Grins to the camera holding a spoon)