The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny – Ep #12: "Re-gifting A Fruit Basket And The Closing Of The Alice Door"

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Alice Haters Club)

Donnie: (heavy sigh) Well he didn’t sign for it and it got returned.

Ben: Who’s “he” sir and what’s “it”?

Donnie: Kavanaugh. He wouldn’t sign for the fruit basket I sent him and now it’s been returned.

Ben: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a shame sir. And after all the thought and energy you put into trying to make it just perfect.

Donnie: I know. With a pineapple centerpiece too and like, 3 grapes, an apple, a burner cell and even an Olive Garden gift card…

Ben: …and those bland whitebread muffins with chocolate chips, which I thought was a wonderfully symbolic ‘we can all work together’ touch and the portrait of you glaring for the kicker…

Donnie: Yeh, I called him, he said something about it seeming improper.

Ben: Well, that’s surprising, considering his obviousness in the confirmation hearings. You’d think he’d be right there when it comes to innapropriate gifts and the appearance of graft. Doesn’t bode well for future gifts depending on the court’s cases now does it?

Donnie: No it doesn’t dammit, but he and I WILL talk again. You think I can re-gift it? Ya know, before the pineapple goes bad?

Ben: Well, I guess you could.

Donnie: How about that Cesar Sayoc guy? He could certainly do with a little pick me up. Great American patriot that one, loved my ego rallies, bought a hat, pretty buff too, and did his part to help keep the failing US Postal service afloat. Surely he could use some muffin lovin’ right about now, as opposed to what he’s probably gettin’, and who wouldn’t like that Olive Garden gift card?

Ben: Everyone loves an Olive Garden gift card sir but….ummmm…probably best to steer clear of that particular re-gifting. Pretty bad optics on that one I think. Plus Olive Garden might not even exist when he’s done.

Donnie: Good point, sad, but good point. Speaking of Olive Garden, I’m famished. Care to run for a pick-up?

Ben: Sure.


Ben: (entering while calling into the Treehouse) Sorry sir, apparently unlimited breadsticks is a dine in only thing…sir?…sir?

(sounds of sawing and hammering and cursing)

Ben: Sir? What are you doing? Are you Ok?

Donnie: I hit my ring kiss finger. This is definitely gonna be a boo-boo.

Ben: I can see that…

Donnie: …think you can give it a little smooch…

Ben: That would be a no sir.

Donnie: Miss my mommy…

Ben: I’m sure you do…but, again, what are you doing?

Donnie: I’m closing up the Alice door.

Ben: The what door?

Donnie: The Alice door. The little one that I had for Sessions here after he fell down the hole and ate the small recusal cake.

Ben: Oh, right…sorry, forgot about that…been so long since he was here at the Treehouse.

Donnie: That was his own choice Benfred. It’s not like I didn’t invite him.

Ben: But you DIDN’T invite him.

Donnie: Exactly. He recused himself from this door, but he was always welcome.

Ben: Ummm…and how did that work sir?

Donnie: Never mind. I just wanna close it up, plus varmints could get in. This is a Treehouse after all. Pesky squirells always looking for nuts…

Ben: …good spot for that here…

Donnie: …and media types climbing around always looking for truth. Fucking truth, so overated. Can’t leave any doors untended.

Ben: So now, after you’ve fired Sessions, does that mean Whitaker will use the regular door?

Donnie: Who?

Ben: Whitaker, the guy you unconstitutionally named acting A…

Donnie: Shhhhh…(whispering and head nervously bobbling around)…I know who Whitaker is Ben, but I DON’T you understand…never met him socially…catch my drift?

Ben: No, but I’ll go with it.

Donnie: (back out loud) Never met the guy, but he is certainly qualified. Many Congressman say the sam…

Ben: …but didn’t you meet with him, not too long ago, to discuss the Meuller prob…

Donnie: …(back to whispering) No Ben! Shit! You’re no good at this shhhhssssing to an aside whisper thing!

Ben: Sorry, it’s easy to get lost with you sir.

Donnie: It’s my eyes…and I didn’t fire him Ben…

Ben: Who?

Donnie: Sessions.

Ben: Oh, right.

Donnie: I didn’t fire him Ben, he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting…

Ben: …at your request…

Donnie: …yes, so I didn’t really fire him, he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting…

Ben: …at your request…

Donnie: …yes, so I didn’t really fire him…

Ben: Seems we’re stuck in a loop sir.

Donnie: …he resigned.

Ben: But only after you asked him to.

Donnie: But he was quitting…

Ben: …at your request…

Donnie: …yes, so I didn’t really fire him…

Ben: (throws a brand new silver dollar, a flag and a gold cross on the floor)

Donnie: …(scrambles) ooooohhh, shiny…(more scrambles)…and patriotically fluttery…and (eyes lit up)…ooooohhh, evangelically shiny…

Ben: Sir? Come back. You with me now?

Donnie: (confused head shakes but coming around) …ummm, yeh, I think so.

Ben: (to self) works every time. Good. So Whitaker can use the regular door?

Donnie: (back at full strength) Who?

Ben: That’s better.

Donnie: Might have to widen it a bit though, he’s got a really big basketball sized cue ball-like head.

Ben: But it’ll be worth it right?

Donnie: Damn straight! Even though I don’t know the guy (winks)…

Ben: (winks back)

Donnie: …he’ll fit right in here.

Ben: Gotta love someone who thinks you’re all powerful huh? Above the law.

Donnie: Part of my required’s Ben.

Ben: You vetted him personally right?

Donnie: If I had ever met him, of course. And I let him keep the pen. Well gotta run.

Ben: ?

Donnie: Off to Paris with the…with the…with the…damn…

Ben: The first lady?

Donnie: Oh right…Being Best an all…still don’t get that one…and I know all about best…yes her. Gotta talk about WWI or something like that…big war you know Ben…tough war…fought like a war…I almost fought a war…foot hurt…was a big one as wars go…the reason they named it #1…like me, #1…I’m considered an expert on it by the way…not too many people know that…

Ben: No, pretty much no one knows that.  I checked the forecast. You want I should pack you an umbrella?

Donnie: No need.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s