Sign above the door: Home Of The He-Tin-Pot-Man Freedom Haters Club
ALARMS SOUNDING – (recorded voice of Jon Voight) INTRUDER ALERT!!! INTRUDER ALERT!!! HIGH PRIORITY INTRUDER ALERT AS A MATTER OF FACT!!! INTRUDER OF COLOR ALERT!!! INTRUDER ALERT…
Ben: (stops short, laser sight points hovering his chest/aimed weaponized contraptions popping out from every corner of the Treehouse with overdone mechanical clicking sounds, the distant din of jackboots and dog barks closing in) Whoa!! (drops tray of donuts and quarter pounder’s with cheese) What the fuck?!!
(Matt Gaetz & Brad Parscale in muscled garrish gold Oz-like guard uniforms, Cossack hats, orange not green faces and tall Pikes topped with an upside down gruesomely serrated “T” rush Ben in the entrance of the Treehouse with blood and frothing spittle dripping from the corners of their square lifeless faces)
Guard #1 in the credits (Matt): (dramatically wiping frothing spittle on his sleeve, finishing with a flourish and menacingly pointing his tall T-Pike) What the fuck, yeah now motherfucker!!
Guard #2 in the credits (Brad): (copying guard #1’s dramatic frothing spittle wipe but with an extra flourish) … yeh, right…what he said!…what the fuck, yeah now motherfucker!
Matt: Yeah! Who the hell are you and why ar…hey, did you just copy my dramatic frothing spittle wipe?
Matt: Yes you did.
Brad: No I didn’t.
Matt: Yes you DID…I saw you…you did this (recreates frothing spittle wipe with flourish) but you added more flourish.
Brad: You like that? Pretty flourishy huh?
Matt: Hah! So you admit it? You did copy me!
Brad: What…umm…no…and that added flourish is all mine by the way.
Matt: I’m calling bullshit Brad, the frothing spittle wipe is my signature move along with my “back of Congressional chamber attempted intimidating though really just comical stare” and you just outright stole it.
Brad: Screw you Matt! You can’t lay claim to a frothing spittle wipe, or an attempted intimidating though really just comical stare for that matter, that’s the same one we all learned in “Glowering 101” at Trump U. Plus we all have frothing spittle these days, it’s a freakin’ frothing spittle fest out there for fuck’s sake and it has to be wiped somehow, even on fine gold clothed sleeves…but that added flourish?…that’s MY move. All ME.
Matt: Oh, fuck off Brad…you and that Southern Poverty Law Center most wanted look of yours…
Ben: Hey guys?
Brad: …listen to you pretty boy, Supreme Leader’s pet an…
Ben: Hey guys?!
Matt & Brad: What?!!!
Ben: (petting the dogs) they look like they haven’t eaten…they really scarfed up these donuts and burgers.
Matt: Jesus Christ, he’s petting the dogs Brad! He’s petting the fucking ATTACK dogs Brad!!
Brad: What?! Why you lookin’ at me?
Matt: Duh…the dogs were YOUR gig Brad.
Brad: Since when?
Matt: Oh, you know what?…whatever…never mind (sigh) So much for the color training…
Ben: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but ya think you guys could just point all this gimmicky surely really taxpayer expensive hardware stuff somewhere else? I’ve only got one pair of pants and I don’t want to pee them.
Matt: Wait…rewind…hold on…just give me a sec…let’s regroup…ok…alarms…jump up from an episode of The Office in the security office…it’s gonna suck when it leaves Netflix …drop my beer…think about getting in the car…grab and run instead with a nasty pointy serrated “T” topped pike…but not in traffic…
Brad: …good point…lessons ma…
Matt: …scissors ok…cossack hat…come across some guy in the Treehouse entrance who OBVIOUSLY shouldn’t be here…Ok…got it! (wiping frothing spittle on sleeve anew with a dramatic flourish) … yeh, right…what the fuck, motherfucker indeed!! Who the hell are you?!
Brad: (wiping frothing spittle on sleeve but with a bit more flourish) … yeh, what he said!
Matt: Just stop it already.
Ben: I’m Ben Carson. Secretary of HUD…
Brad: Is that like hide just spelled wrong?
Matt: Ignore him. Hey, are you black?
Ben: Well, yes I am.
Matt: Weird. But who ARE you?
Ben: Again, Ben Carson, Secretary of HUD and a sort of Alfred to Supreme Leader’s Batman, a Benfred if you will.
Brad: He does see himself as something of a superhero.
Ben: I know right? He obsesses…
Brad: …kinda like the baby General thing he has going on right now…
Ben: …tell me…
Matt: Shut up you two, please…Oh wait, you’re that guy that with the dining set. The really expensive dining set…
Ben: Yeh, but, well, that was more my wife than anyth…
Matt: …the guy that helps out around the Treehouse here?
Ben: Yeh, that’s me
Matt: Gets his cofeve?
Matt: Grabs his slippers at night?
Matt: Changes the channel from Sesame Street to Fox News back to Sesame Street and then to Fox and Friends which is the Sesame Street of morning news?
Ben: (sigh) Yes.
Matt: Lays out his blue suit and red tie every day?
Matt: Reads him bedtime stories from those thick paged children’s boo…
Ben: Yes! I get it…that’s me ok?!
Brad: Is that dining set as nice as we’ve heard?
Ben: Oh, better. And the table has some hidden drawers…
Brad: …ya mean like secret compartments…
Ben: …yeh, state dinner party, a selected guest that’s been given the head’s up, reaches under…very espionagey…
Brad: …is it as nice as Zinke’s doors…
Ben: …well that guy…poor animals…though they were really nice doors…he was a piece of work though, let me tell yo…
Matt: Okay! Enough! Grab coffee and geek later. So what exactly were you doing here Ben?
Ben: I prefer Benfred. I was just bringing the President some lunch…
Matt: …donuts and quarter pounder’s? Really?
Ben: Well, I just serve at the pleasu…
Brad: It does sound like him.
Matt: Okay, I’ll grant ya that
Ben: …and I don’t assume as to which order he eats ’em, I just wanted to bring him lunch and check in on him (petting the dogs licking at his hands).
Matt: We definitely gotta talk about these dogs Brad.
Brad: (incredulous) What?
Ben: What’s with all the extra security by the way? And was that Jon Voight I heard in the alarms?
Matt: Love that guy.
Ben: Me too.
Matt: Leader needs to feel secure and he loves his rare Hollywood endorsement.
Ben: Well, though dated, I mean how old is Ricky Shroder now, nice choice.
(the sound of whistling)
Matt: Do you hear that?
Ben: Is that whistling?
Brad: I like to whistle.
Matt & Ben: Shut up Brad!!
(Moving away from the Treehouse entrance and down a hall while Brad tries to whistle)
(still the whistling)
Brad: (still trying to whistle)
Donnie: (In a grand gaudy space modeled after the Doral’s main room) Oh, Hi guys. watcha doin’?
Donnie: You got my lunch Benfred? I’m famished.
Ben: Well…as to that…dogs…long story…I’ll order in…What are you doing sir?
Donnie: Just trying to spruce things up a bit.
Ben: You, or those brown guys with their heads down?
Donnie: Hey, they got their papers!…(to the side)…you guys got your papers right?
Ben: Relax, all good sir. Not asking.
Donnie: They took away my G7 summit at Doral, fucking Dems, so I thought I’d fix things up a bit here at the Treehouse. Ya never know. Accommodations are pretty nice. I’m sure Xi would like the hammocks.
Ben: Well, it was actually your loyalists who objected, thought it didn’t play well, ya know, the Constitution an all.
Donnie: I’m Trump, how does it NOT play? I AM the Constitution, at least the parts I like. You know that clause they keep talking about is phony right? Shit, I sold the White House lawn maintenance to the nicest of Russian backed Mexicans who work for me. Anyone talking about that?
Ben: Probably best they don’t.
Donnie: Phony as shit.
Ben: Well, technically, it’s actually written in there…it can’t really be phony.
Donnie: And that means what Benfred? They were just jealous of me when they wrote it up…didn’t consult me at all…but they should have…they…
Ben: …but that was 200+ years ag…
Donnie: …knew the genius I is and were just envious. Probably intimidated. Phony. That’s also why they didn’t ask for me to sign it, right next to that Hancock guy and some of those others with famous names that should be on buildings, I refused. I wasn’t going to put my nam…
(in walks Stephanie Grisham who genuflects before Leader)
Stephanie: Sir genius, oh magnanimous one, one who rules the sun and the moon, one who owns the stars, one who’s heaven sent, one who could eat my lunch any day of the week, don’t read anything into that Melania, #BeBest, you have a 10 o’clock press briefi…
Stephanie: Are these guys with you sir? Why are they running?
Donnie: Girl!! Hmmmm.