What, No Rapture?! (eclipse post)

So when all is said and uh … eclipsed … it was kind of a nothingburger this whole eclipse brouhaha, and it happened behind the cover of clouds from where I was at in the Hudson Valley anyway, like the wizard doing funky wizard shit but all behind the curtain and then producing nothing special or magical or even slightly weird except for a slight dimming of the lights (though I swear I felt someone touch my knee … freakin’ pervert wizards, I might have to lodge a complaint with the Wizard Bureau), no unicorns appeared being ridden by sprites, no animals suddenly stood up on their hind legs drinking coffee at the office talking about last night’s game, well, except for Bill, who’s not a sports fan, who went out back for a REALLY quick smoke, no munchkins started singing munchkin songs and dancing in pointy shoes at Dunkin’, no Netflix shows based on weird eclipse stuff had a critically acclaimed first season and then got canceled just as it was gaining an audience, Oh, and no rapture!!

A Facebook friend, Heather, noted this in a post of hers “I have heard zero reports of raptures. A bit disappointed in all of you. Bitches”

That’s a quote by the way and she was absolutely right!

And I was pretty excited for a moment too, I mean I actually started to rapture, or was being raptured, or was rapturing, not quite sure how to use the word, and as I was slowly being lifted up through the clouds (don’t recommend that part, kinda damp and chilly and possibly could have you dodging planes with safety issues) I heard a booming voice from above me.

“Hey, you Frankenberry? The old DJ?”

I said “Yeah … wait, are you the big guy?”

“Well, don’t matter now if I am cause you ain’t comin’”

“What????”

“Every time I called you on the air back in your Pittsburgh days you NEVER played any of my requests, not a one, not “Freebird” not “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” Dylan OR Guns N Roses, not “Unskinny Bop” and especially not “Stairway to Heaven” … ever!”

“Unskinny Bop”, really??”

“See, you’re still judging me!! I heard what you said about me after we hung up back then and even now you’re still thinking, Man, this dude continues to be lame, all those songs suck – though Unskinny Bop just sucks in a completely different silly sucky sorta way”

“Well, Hell I’m sorr….”

“And there, that kicks it, trying to get raptured and you’re referencing Hell … (to self) this fucking guy”

“Is that how you would use it by the way, like a verb, being “raptured”? I just wasn’t quite sure”

“Well, I guess so, I mean that’s how I’ve always thought of it, especially if I decided the time was right, you know, to rapture, look at deserving souls when they arrive, most surely confused and disoriented, and saying to them in an extra big game show truck pull announcer voice with some echo and reverb, first impressions right? HEY EVERYBODY!!! WELCOME!! (echo, reverb, echo, reverb) LOOK UP HERE AND SMILE (echo, reverb, echo, reverb) YOU’VE BEEN RAPTURED!! No, no selfies please, waaaaay too many of us anyway, plus I am sort of mystery, don’t “picture” well. NOW C’MON UP AND CLAIM YOUR NEW CLOUD CAR!!!”

“Oh ok, interesting”

“Hey, enough stalling, I’m letting you go …”

“Wait!!! You did request “Turn the Page” too and I didn’t judge you on that, didn’t think it sucked at all, I like rock n roll road songs, well except Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”, sheeshhh that one …”

“You know I love Bon Jovi right?”

“(sigh) of course you do. Really letting me no go now aren’t you?”

“Yep”

“See ya”

“Don’t count on it”

Yeah, Heather was right, the whole eclipse thing was pretty disappointing, well except for Rutger Hauer’s “Navarre” and Michelle Pfeiffer’s “Isabeau”, they at least found some magic in this eclipse business and Mathew Broderick’s “Mouse” was redeemed so …

But that rapture possibility?

My, our ass!!

Bitches!!