A Jacob Marley Bit

Jacob Marley: Whoooo hoooo oooh (wind rushes and chains doing Jacob Marley wind rushing chain rattling kind of things with approaching footsteps)

Guy: Really dude? That’s a bit dramatic.

Jacob: What? (stop … wind rushing chains sounds coming to a slowed turntable wind down dying hault)

Guy: You still workin’ that?

Jacob: What?  

Guy: I know this can be considered your time but it’s still kind of tired now don’t ya think?

Jacob: No, no it’s not thank you. I’ve got stage time again where I get to Whoooo hoooo oooh and frighten the children with cautionary tales.

Guy: You know you’re just being used right?

Jacob: What?

Guy: Ebenezer, he’s just using you, has been for years.

Jacob: ?

Guy: He’s been building himself up at your expense ever since he woke up and threw some coins in the snow at some kid from a newly opened window for a turkey for Bob and the family

Jacob: … freakin’ sudden goody two shoes, but he was a shit.

Guy: That he was but he’s been redeemed now, new old stories told over and over again.

Jacob: I’ve thought about that

Guy: But what about you? The chains?

Jacob: They are a bit heavy

Guy: Ask yourself why they’re heavy

Jacob: Well, I was kind of dick

Guy: indeed you were. More than just kind of a dick and more than him by the way

Jacob: Can I call someone to kill him? I know a guy

Guy: And you see, that’s just it

Jacob: Sorry, old habits

Guy: Yeah, but no excuse

Jacob: Point

Guy: Does Christmas mean anything to you anymore?

Jacob: No, I’m dead. Just Whoooo hoooo oooh’ing these days and rattling chains. What’s Christmas when Whoooo hoooo oooh’ing is your only gig once a year for a kid’s benefit/detriment or even an adult’s depending on need? It’s just a season, a day.

Guy: It never meant anything?

Jacob: Well …

Guy: C’mon …

Jacob: Ok, it did once. She was the prettiest thing you ever did see standing next to that tree

Guy: Really?

Jacob: I know Ebenezer’s story is more well told, looking sadly through windows at the past, scary futures, sad every days, blah, blah, blah, but she had eyes that would stop ya, could define ya, a strawberry blonde that would just get to a stop’s stop, make you get on the bus even if you were already home

Guy: Why the chains?

Jacob: Ebenezer and I fought and I killed him in my head, that was enough

Guy: No, I don’t think so

Jacob: Ok, we fought about money, the end all, the be all right? and the devil jumped in, gleefully. The devil loves money ‘cause we all love money, or think we do, and then one day I just wasn’t there anymore for him or for her. I was consumed. Chains come with thoughts like that

Guy: Hold on …

Jacob: ?

Guy: How’s this?

Jacob: Is that a couch?

Guy: Yeah

Jacob: (feeling hands around it) that’s pretty nice, how’d ya do that?

Guy: I’m writing this, I can do as I please, hut it is nice huh?

Jacob: Leather?

Guy: No, faux stuff. Leather has family.

Jacob: Nicely done … still … hey, why are you crossing your legs and leaning back in a chair? And is that a pipe?

Guy: Just getting comfy

Jacob: Shit stinks … don’t you got something in vanilla or maybe chocolate … and is that a pen and a notepad?

Guy: Let’s talk Jake, can I call you Jake, Jacob?

Jacob: Do you know what you’re doing, are you qualified for this?

Guy: Nope … but I still kinda look like I fit the part right?

Jacob: Clichéd, but Ok, I’ll give ya that, though a beard would help … well … I was five and my mother was …


Jacob: Wow! That was great. I almost feel like I want a cigarette.

Guy: Whoa, easy big fella. Just a couch and a chair and a crossed leg pipe here.  Ya know we’re just having coffee right? Plus, you don’t even smoke anymore.

Jacob: I could again and … (big swish sound and cloud effect) … coffee. Damn!! Where the hell are we now, what happened to your “no, there could be family” faux leather couch?

Guy: Just license. Nice place though huh?

Jacob: They got scones?

Guy: I’m sure they do

Jacob: Orange ones where you can taste a bit of the rind?

Guy: Sure

Jacob: And butter?

Jacob: Cool, I’ll go get us one …

Guy: Hold on cowboy, that chainy shit of yours makes noise, uncomfortable noise

Jacob: Oh right

Guy: Let me …

Jacob: (light whistling and some smiling nods to others who don’t nod back)

Guy: Orange … with butter?

Jacob: Cool

Guy: You can’t eat it though

Jacob: What?

Guy: Go ahead, try

Jacob: (hand passes through it a couple of times)

Jacob: Son of a bitch. NOT cool

Guy: With ya, and I love orange scones (taking a bite)

Jacob: Really? You suck.

Guy: (mumbled over a mouthful) Do you recognize that couple at the table in the corner?

Jacob: What, over there to the left?

Guy: Yeah (wiping mouth)

Jacob: No

Guy: You sure?

Jacob: Yes, don’t know them

Guy: Really?

Jacob: Yeah

Guy: Isn’t that you and Wendy in the past, Strawberry Blonde?

Jacob: Who’s Wendy?

Guy: The girl you were going to Marry?

Jacob: Don’t know a Wendy. And I was never going to get married. She’s cute though

Guy: Hold on … (Talking into wrist – angry back and forth)

Jacob: Ummmmm …

Guy: Aren’t you Jacob Barley?

Jacob: What? No. I’m Jacob Marley, with an “M”

Guy: (more wrist)

Guy: Ok, my bad, so sorry

Jacob: So sorry for what?

Guy: Was gonna show you stuff, ya know, past, present, future type things

Jacob: No, I don’t know

Guy: Ok, gotta run

(swish sound and cloud effect)

Jacob: Wait! (still in coffee shop) Hello? ……….. Hello?

Guy: (head poke through the clouds) Hey, by the way. Ran you through the system just now, Marely with an “M” and wow, you really were a dick. (head poke out – another swish sound)

Jacob: Ummmm …

Guy: (head poke in one more time with a swish) … and no, you still can’t grab the scone (head poke out with a swish)

Jacob: But? … (empty swipe) … son of a bitch!


Guy with girlfriend: Ya know, they say this coffee shop is haunted

Girlfriend: Really?

(light chain sounds)

Girlfriend: Did You hear that?


Jacob: Seriously? (swipe swipe) It’s just an orange scone for fuck’s sake, C’mon!

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