To Pee Or Not To … I Didn’t Pee (Cujo the Cat song) – A Revisit

The other day as I was checking out my Blog stats at WordPress, the platform I use for the Attic and one of the cool things about WordPress, the ability to see your sites “traffic”, I noticed that an older parody tune of mine had recently gotten a couple of unexpected downloads/listens.

Now I am always curious as to how some viewers might suddenly discover something of mine (a tune/old post) from some time ago. I mean it’s not like I’m any good at remembering to add tags to my things because I’m not, hell, tags to me are just the things I always forget to take off of new pants or shorts or T-shirts until around three in the afternoon the first time I wear them, so I can’t chalk it up to that and other than doing a dive into the blog (which has happened where someone, maybe the first time visiting the Attic, will check out a number of things all at once before running away screaming with their hair on fire) I don’t really know how they may come across the older stuff, pretty randomly it seems.

Another older post of mine, from April of ’22 for example, even pops up on a regular basis, regular enough that it has become my most viewed effort, a fun thing I wrote about seeing the Angel of Death in the middle of Route 9 in Poughkeepsie that I also did an audio post of (here, I’ll save you the trouble of randomness or deep dives, Angel Of Death: End Of Days, Route 9, Poughkeepsie??? )

No complaints mind you, I don’t care how folks come about it or them as long as something is maybe getting a new eye or earball or two. I mean that’s why I do this right? Why I have a blog in the first place? Other than the sanity saver that it is?

The older parody tune, from March of 2021, was a tune I did for Celie’s cat “Cujo” and from an idea of hers as a matter of fact. I have written of this often but when I first moved into the one bedroom place above a three car attached garage back in November of ’17 (though I moved out recently) I was immediately astounded and overjoyed by the sheer amount of fur that were furring in and around Celie’s haven of said fur and even feather as well.

Now besides, when I was first there, usually being greeted in the driveway by “Blue” the big intimidating looking blue pit of all soft dogness after the big chested intimidation passed and amid the din of all the other dogs, I was also greeted by cats, four in particular. Bruce the coolest of cat fellas, the Big Lebowski, or Big LeBruceski of cats if you will, who ran the cat yard and house, Handsome, a cat with no more apt a name, Honey Bob Tail (who I would come to call “Boo”) the sweetest little rolly polly of a calico with, indeed, a bob tail and Cujo, a funny name for a cat I thought until he proved himself worthy of it. The first proof of worth for me? When I went to say hi with a pet and a rub of an ear after one of my arrivals home from work early in my stay while he was cat rolling around in driveway dust, as cats are wont to do, and he welcomed me with a bite of my palm halfway through my pettings of “hello”.

“Ok, Cujo … gotcha … and I get it now.”

Instant friends.

But Cujo, like Bruce, had a coolness about him (Honey Bob Tail was all sweetness and a bit of weight on your shoulder for the pick up and Handsome was just damn good looking so much so for girl cats to swoon) and Cujo and I became pals, sometimes with a new band aid or two like sharing friend wrist bands. He was also a bit of weight on the shoulder for the pick up but not because of the rolly or the polly like Honey Bob Tail, Cujo was quite lithe and long, but from the sheer fear that could accompany it (dude could take an eye from my shoulder I thought) but he liked shoulders, even stretched upwards on a knee for it … though briefly.

Anyway, Celie had mentioned to me a few years into my time there that someone, somecat, was peeing in the house and NOT properly, not in one of any number of litter boxes placed about the spot and that she had discovered through some fine detective work (cameras and an even caught in the cat act) that it was Cujo. She then said, and she knew of my parody tunes because I kept sending them to her whether she wanted me to or not, actually she probably would have preferred the “Not” because now you are just annoying me Stephen, especially the political ones, that I should try the chorus of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” because “It Wasn’t Me … I didn’t pee” had come to her when she heard the tune on the radio in her truck.

Brilliant I thought. But well, I also thought, I can’t just do something with only the chorus now can I? No self respecting song parodying guy would stop at just the chorus right? No, I don’t know the answer to that as I don’t know any other of these self respecting song parodying guys but, for the one I DID know? ME? That shit just wouldn’t meow. Gotta work the whole tune.

Now I miss Cujo and did for the longest time, still do, while I lived in that house of fur and feather after he, one day, just wasn’t around any longer, he was a dear friend lost and well, ’nuff said on that, and I didn’t want to revisit this tune of his for the longest time as I tried not think of the what may have happened (that’s a rabbit hole no pet person ever wants to go down in such a case). I just remembered the welcome homes and the pettings and the band aids and the kitchen counters helping me with the feeding of he and all his cat brethren on occasion (another story entirely, though one, ones, already well told) as he was just a really cool cat, a really smart, snarky, talky cat who I bonded with over hello’s and ear rubs and those occasional loving band-aids.

So thinking of Cujo again now, I thought to revisit some fun and some cat pee silly.

Cheers old friend.

It Wasn’t Me, I Didn’t Pee

Yo, Handsome … Open up man

What do you want Cujo?

Mom just caught me

Seriously?

I don’t know how

Where?

In the shower, you know

Man

I don’t know what to do

Well, say it wasn’t you

Alright

Celie came in and she caught me red handed

Peeing on the shower floor

Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo

Who doesn’t litter box no more

How could I forget that she lived

On this very big house floor

Just right down the hall here

Till she was standing at the bathroom door

How could you forget that Mom’s the one who owns this villa

She’s got sixth senses that snap up on her pilla

You keep this up she’s gonna be your killa

She knows it’s you even got ya on camera

Before you were dumb and strolled off into the shower

These humans got tech to catch you any hour

Yeah that’s video your ass up on stovetop

You gotta say it wasn’t you to save you from the next stop

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
Saw me peein’ on the stovetop (I didn’t pee)
Even saw me in corners (It wasn’t me)
Yeah she caught me on camera (I didn’t pee)
Saw scratches on the floorboards (It wasn’t me)
Smelled the smell that made her nose curl (I didn’t pee)
Heard her screams when she discovered (It wasn’t me)
I couldn’t stay so I took off

Celie came in and she caught me red handed

Peeing on the shower floor

Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo

Who doesn’t litter box no more

How could I forget that she lived

On this very big house floor

Just right down the hall here

Till she was standing at the bathroom door

Act like nothing happened, that it’s no big deal  

Walk your Cujo walk, denial in your cool

See if you can sing another cat’s fault song

Maybe Sunny with who you don’t get along  

You’re gonna be banished from house for real

You’ll be pushin’ daisies soon for just this deal

You’ll be out garage, house life won’t last

Get caught again and 9th life will pass  

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
Saw me peein’ on the stovetop (I didn’t pee)
Even saw me in corners (It wasn’t me)
Yeah she caught me on camera (I didn’t pee)
Saw scratches on the floorboards (It wasn’t me)
Smelled the smell that made her nose curl (I didn’t pee)
I heard the screams when she discovered (It wasn’t me)
I couldn’t stay so I took off

Celie came in and she caught me red handed

Peeing on the shower floor

Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo

Who doesn’t litter box no more

How could I forget that she lived

On this very big house floor

Just right down the hall here

Till she was standing at the bathroom door

Gonna blame some other

For the smell that I’ve caused

Gotta be some other cat who goes and pees against doors

I will tell her that maybe it’s because of the dogs

I’ll just make sure they don’t catch me

When they figure mad cause

Celie came in and she caught me red handed

Peeing on the shower floor

Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo

Who doesn’t litter box no more

How could I forget that she lived

On this very big house floor

Just right down the hall here

Till she was standing at the bathroom door

Celie came in

She caught me red handed

It wasn’t me I do say

I didn’t pee I will say

Celie came in then

She caught me red handed

It wasn’t me

Meow

So Then Sunday: New Cat Scratcher … Sir?

Since the end of February I have been dealing with a back issue, a really bad back issue actually, after popping it turning a doorknob at the bottom of a flight of stairs at the old apartment. I know, the simplest of things right? I mean if you’re going to pull your back it should at least be doing something cool or possibly even heroic, like lifting a car off a kid or something in a traffic accident, not just turning a fucking doorknob but multiple X-Rays revealing a fracture, a new one (yeah, this ain’t my back’s first creaky rodeo it seems) a bone density test, a couple of MRI’s and a shitload of awful nights (it hurts when I pee takes has taken on on a whole new not in college meaning now as the simple act of just standing up from out of bed has me sounding like the Troll that lives under the bridge to my upstairs neighbors I’m sure so when I do get into a position that doesn’t make me tear up in pain, at my PC desk now for example, I just stay there.

So thus me just doing some scrolling back through old stuff, one to marvel at my own brilliance hehehe and two cause my PC chair is probably the most “comfortable” spot in my feeble, fragile old man world right now.

Speaking of old then, a So Then Sunday, a re-posting of something older, in this case, a fave post of mine from back in August of 2021 about being old.

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New Cat Scratcher … Sir

(August 3, 2021)

On my way home tonight I stopped into PetSmart to see if I could find a cat scratcher that wasn’t ridiculously expensive, something I wasn’t all that confident in accomplishing. Though I have managed to trim them on occasion, it’s not the easiest of endeavors to convince Bella to let me clip her nails and they are getting a little long again as she’s clicking on the hardwood now like she’s taken up tap dancing and rehearsing a new number so I thought a new scratcher would at least help her with some nail maintenance.

I know she wants another one, a stand-up model (I do have a nice large well used wood framed one with cat scratch cardboard inside that sits flat on the floor but it’s not quite the same) as she keeps trying to also use this old one and well, a couple of short naked two by fours nailed together with a carpet top don’t really do the trick. It’s also Bella’s way I think, with the repeated attempts, to say “yo, knucklehead, human, can ya see what I’m tryin’ to do here on a couple of short naked two by fours nailed together with a carpet top?! Are ya catchin’ my fruitless cat scratchin’ drift … numbnuts?!”

She’s right, as you can see it doesn’t really have any cat scratchedyness to it anymore as almost all the rope is gone or fallen to the bottom like scratchy rope one legged shorts around its ankle. I only keep it for a couple of reasons. First is a sentimental one. It’s one of my earliest and favorite pictures of Shoes from when he was kitten, one of my bestest of pals who passed away 6 six years ago now, clutching onto it in its newer days to give me a stare and a sniff while we were getting to know each other and second, I keep it on the floor at the end of the bed as it’s kind of become a pretty good lean to assist for old man stand ups. You see I stand UP from my bed as I don’t have a bedframe, just my box spring and mattress on the floor (I don’t like bed frames … got’s to be proactive on possible spots for monsters underneath right?) so the assist can be welcome, but not always necessary, I’m not quite there yet in my oldness thank you, though still welcome on occasion, breathy light grunty exhales sometimes included.

Anyway, as I was looking wide raised eyebrow eyed at price tags of cat seats and cat condo’s that can also serve as scratchers on the big shelves or a few smaller ones in an aisle across from them on the regular shelves a pretty young woman passed to step into the next aisle for canned cat food, the aisle that has the Wellness Brand by the way, which is pretty good stuff and correspondingly expensive.

I found two possible scratchers but held the thought for the moment, debating 30 bucks versus 40, as the pretty young woman buying some canned food suddenly reminded me that I should do the same, even though this wasn’t my initial intent tonight, before that reminder fell out of the front of my head only to silently slide out the back. PetSmart has a few things the girls like that the grocery store doesn’t carry so I then passed her, reminder still holding noggin front, on my way a couple of aisles up to where another less expensive brand is located but, knowing that she was stocking up on the Wellness, I almost felt guilty and a bad cat dad for going with the cheaper stuff. I was even worried she’d notice disapprovingly.  

After I grabbed a few cans of what, like I said, I can’t find at the grocery store (a slightly more top shelf version of this one at least to ease my new found bad cat dad guilt) I made my way back to the scratchers aisle to make a decision on that 30 versus 40 bucks but accidentally came up one aisle short (because of course I did) and stepped right into the one that the pretty young woman was standing at the end of, still, though unknowingly, shaming me as she loaded a cardboard flat with the Wellness food, and I almost bumped into her.

“Whoa, shit, sorry, wrong aisle, my bad”

“No problem” she said

Now then it occurred to me that this all could have looked as if I had done it intentionally. See a pretty young woman pass me when, suddenly, it seems I need to walk past HER and then come back again only to “accidentally” step into her aisle and almost bump into her?

Future reference. I never do anything like that intentionally, I REALLY only ever do things like that accidentally, usually too lost in my own thoughts to sidetrack them unnecessarily for that kinda stuff. Plus that whole possible thought’s attention silently sliding out the back of my head thing I mentioned earlier. In general, if I happen to note, wherever I may be, that there’s some younger woman there who, like in this case, is attractive I also then, almost immediately, note the operative word in this sentence, “younger” and that I’m most probably old enough to be her dad, a dad who would probably kick my ass at any of this whole notion of noting things. So, quick admiration and acknowledgement of pretty and I’m done with the thought. Then it’s just to possibly some accidental awkwardness.  

She ended up at the checkout line in front of me and as she was getting ready to leave, bag in hand full of her good cat mom Wellness Brand food and as I was slowly putting my cat scratcher down for the cashier while holding back ever so slightly on the lesser cat food stuff being seen she looked at me and said.

“Have a good night Sir”

“You as well” I replied

Damn … and yeah … she called me “Sir” to which I had three thoughts.

1. Sigh.

2. If she did for some reason think I was actually trying to “check her out” or even hit on her and that I was a bit too old for the attempt and should know better the “Sir” was very subtly and very well played, very well played indeed. Bravo lady!

3. Sigh.

I think I might just be leaning a little more heavily on that old Shoes cat scratcher at the end of the bed for the stand ups this evening while pausing the TV or in the middle of the night when I have to pee a million times it seems, sometimes even when I don’t have to but just think that I do.

Me 2: “Well is that right now … is that what you’re thinking … Sir?”

Me 1: “Shut up Me 2 … fucker.”

I Bella (me & steve) – (poem)

Yesterday at dVerse Poets Melissa presented us some artworks of Louis Wain and his famous cats as well as some of his story.

So from Melissa was this, “the assignment”, choose one of the artworks of Wain’s that she included in her post (dVerse link above) and write a poem of it. The only stipulation being that you cannot use the word “cat”, other cat terms are fine, just not the actual word cat.

I thought, and for those that may know me here in the Attic, well, ** something about cats? Now that’s kinda in my cat guy wheelhouse.

Of the choices, I opted for the flower eyed cat in his ‘untitled’ piece as cats are indeed beautiful and magical as Wain imagined.

** link to some silly cat posts

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I Bella (me & steve)

If apple could smell of fish heads and cliché’d claw thieving seaside shanty towns

I would be that of his eye 

and have name to imply

my

place deserved in this window’s high carpeted altar

curled closer to the sun

god  

in reverence of rays that exist but only, I know, to assist

my subsist

in a second coat’s

warmth

when fish heads might not be enough to fill

 

It might reflect that eye’s apple

even in petal bloom artist takes

for I am fields and grass and flowers to hunt among

or lounge more daydream of this sun

god

just closer now to earth taking in the full breadth

and what my name may be

simply for definition’s sake

of me and who is me to Steve and he to me

and our world under the sun

in windows once more

back

closer again worship 

though …

 

I would be Bella

sun god wishing to rival now

the warm I send back in naps of grand small furry feline universe dreams

on bedded altars

or in fields of adventure flowers and grass

where I wore funny float down slow earth particle hats collecting my brow

and wanting to know why he’s never been as beautiful as me

bella-window-spot-5

Oompa Loompa Bob Song: An Oompa Loompa Cautionary Tale Eulogy

So a friend, Drew, recently posted to the Facebook this meme …

… and I thought well, what if the Oompa’s showed up at the funeral of this meme guy, a fella named Bob maybe, whose ‘last mistake’ was actually his LAST mistake.

Now, if anyone was wondering why it’s been so long since I’ve had a girlfriend, probably not, well, this is the kind of thing that I think about and do for fun which goes a long way to explaining said singleness.

I don’t date, don’t go to movies, or dinner, or events, or play pickleball, or go “clubbin'” and whatever that might entail (sounds expensive and I ain’t got the wardrobe for it as I’m sure sweatpants aren’t gettin’ me past the bouncer) I don’t nature hike, I’m not a regular at any monthly game nights with friends, I don’t Church, I certainly don’t go on retreats (“retreat” – it sounds so white flag defeating), I don’t go to family get togethers with anyone new and pretty in tow to make Aunt’s happy (Oh, “finally” they would say in small Aunt klatches quieting any busybody speculation), I don’t gym or bike or jog or even walk briskly, not that some exercise wouldn’t hurt, I don’t do anything in groups though the one’s I am not in might sometimes remark unfairly of such, no, I just do this sort of stuff and other writing things silly and not silly, oh, and I have full blown conversations with cats.

It’s amazing what you can learn about a cat’s daily by the way, if you just take the time to listen. “Really? You meditated in a window in the sun (napped) while contemplating the mysteries of the universe and then woke up and went to the litter box?!”

Yeah, that ‘single’ status ain’t changing anytime soon I don’t think.

Anyway, for the dearly departed Bob, who took one final unintended bus ride to the sky.

Oompa Loompa Bob Song

Oompa, Loompa, doompety-do
I’ve got a little story for you
Oompa, Loompa, doompety-dee
it’s about Bob so please listen to me

What do you get when you’re walking a street
Lost in your cell “hey, that video’s neat”
You don’t pay attention to what’s in your surrounds
Including that curb’s last mistake to be found

I don’t like the look of this

Oompa, Loompa, doompety-don’t
Step off that curb Bob please tell me you won’t
Oompa, Loompa, doompety-please
Lift your head, look around at that bus bearing down


… Ya big dope!

… Ya really dead dope!

… Oh, Bob

Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide – Tip #353: Cats Can Sleep On Anything (+ a tips #342-#352 handy catch up)

This is more of an observation than a tip, but cats can indeed sleep on anything and often in the most uncomfortable appearing ways. Cricket the Blind, for instance, likes to not watch TV with me for obvious reasons but also while sleeping sort of on my lap and my remote, if I forget to grab it quickly enough, with her head and a third of her body hanging over my right hip facing down where it seems she is in danger of just sliding right off, though that is usually when I am able to retrieve my remote when it hits the floor.

Now to most humans this would have them imagine themselves, if in a similar position, to just have blood rushing uncomfortably to the their heads until they pass out (but not before, for a brief instant, possibly glimpsing myriad secrets of the universe with that extra noggin blood rush).

But after that it’s back to the passing out and possibly toppling over bringing with it a bruise or two, plus some of that momentary glimpse into the secrets of the universe thing could have been a disappointment anyway and you don’t want that – a bit deflating really.

My dearly missed Shoes, “The Big Orange”, was famous in our small Steve and cats world, for being a true cat-titioner of taking that cats sleeping uncomfortably and also on anything, more than just head south on simple remotes, to purring heart … and to a new level.

I mean he was like any good cat. A t-shirt tossed on the bed? Sleep on it. A pair of sweats? Sleep on it. A drunk friend on the couch? Sleep on ’em.

A laundry basket full of stinky clothes? Sleep IN it (and always more preferable than the laundry basket full of post laundry clean ones for some reason, freakin’ weirdo cats).

Pre-laundry stinky clothes basket? Sleep in it.

Post-laundry all clean fresh clothes basket? Sniff, ignore, pass and sleep somewhere else.

But then …

Me: Shoes, why are you sleeping on that torn up cat scratcher?

Me: Shoes, why are you sleeping on my clunky winter boots, in the closet?

Me: Shoes, how the hell did you get on top of the fridge? Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. My bad.

Me: Shoes, really, on the cable box?

Me: (Shoes on the third shelf of the bookcase/knickknacker) Dude! What, you trying to glean some sci-fi through cat nap osmosis?! And how the hell did you get up there … and without knocking anything over!?!? (cats be nimble)

Me: Ahhhh SHIT!! (after dropping an entire small plastic container of tacks while barefoot) Godammit!! (tiptoeing and looking for the broom)

Shoes: Whoa!! Not so so fast on the clean-up my good (hu) Man, I must sleep on them first.

Friend: (waking up on the couch – but afraid to move – muffled) Steve, your cat is sleeping on my face.

Me: (finding myself strolling through Hell) Shoes, c’mon, seriously, are you sleeping on damned souls?!

Shoes: They looked like they could use some cat … and I was in need of nap.

Me: Shoes!! They are literally engulfed in damnation’s eternal flames!!

Shoes: And? Your point? It’s warm, cats like warm.

I was reminded of this tonight in, well, a sort of anti-climactic way now I guess, especially after that whole Shoes sleeping on hell found damned for an eternity souls bit an’ all, but was reminded when I saw Cricket sniffing around my extra pillow on the bed, the one that is there for no reason other than to have this look like a “proper” bed and maybe even be small measure of hope (no, it’s not that).

I had just tossed my eye glass case on it and Cricket, with an entire other half of the pillow to choose from, decided to sleep on it.

Me: Cricket?

Cricket: Hey! It was here Steve, so I thought “I must sleep on it”.

Well, Shoes would be proud girlfriend.

Ok, since it’s been a little while since I posted a new cat tip (starting back in April of last year) here are the rest of my Crazy Cat Lady Guy’s Cat tip posts to get you up to speed … for now.

There will surely be more additions to this handy guide to come.

You’re welcome.

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A Crazy Cat Lady Guy’s Cat Guide – Tips #’s 342-348: A convenient list of tips to give an assist in the world of Cats, not, say, Dogs or Rabbits or Guinea Pigs or wild things found in the woods that become the topic of an ad laden web post “They thought it was a cat but then …” and the restorative effects of meditation on cats

A Crazy Cat Lady Guy’s Cat Tips: Tip #349

Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide – Tip #350: A Bella Note and A Too Small New Cat Box

Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide – Tip #351: When it’s International Cat Day You Post Accordingly

Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide – Tip #352: Extra Computer Chairs?

Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide – Tip #350: A Bella Note And A Too Small New Cat Box

Well, I went shopping again late last week for another new cat box, which, as I have mentioned before in my Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide, can be rather expensive these days, upwards of 60 or 70 bucks. Luckily this time around though, I only had to spend $30 and change (I had a 50% off receipt from my last cat box shopping excursion to use towards a new one) but, sadly, I bought the wrong size.

It was a little small as what previously had been a perfect fit for Cricket the Blind …

… was not so much for Bella (she could probably go with a salad on occasion). She is though very considerate and, not wanting to make me feel bad for my gaffe (never been good at buying things that require correct sizes for the ladies) said in her big unblinking Bella eyes kinda way in a box bulging at its sides, after I asked her what she thought and if it were too small “No, Steve, this is just fine … it’s perfect as a matter of fact, I love it!”

“Really? You like it? You’re not just saying that? I was worried about the size.”

“No, not at all. Like I said, it’s perfect!”

“Oh, that’s great!”

She then whispered while starting to scratch at fresh tissue paper before climbing in … “F-You box, and don’t you dare say a word, I makes fits so you better works with me here or this simple tissue paper scratching will only turn into something waaaaay worse for you. Gots me?! This is for Steve.”

“See? I fits!”

“Awww” (crazy cat lady guy smiles).

Note: as previously mentioned in the Crazy Cat Lady Guy Cat Tips Guide (Tip #344 of tips #342 through #347) when searching out new cat boxes, possibly even expensive ones or even ones, in this case, one that you save a bit on with a 50% off receipt from your last cat box shopping trip always make sure they come with the added bonus of a pair of sneakers, preferably Sketchers.

Cat On A CAT (a seussian poem … and that)

Celie (my landlady) has been doing some work in the front of the house and looking out my window earlier while sitting here at the PC I saw that Handsome had found a new tall spot to sit, as cats are wont to do.

So I thought to a little Seussian thing then … and that.

Cat on a CAT

And a handsome named cat thought to sat somewhere at

In a place that was tall where cats do feel fat

In lording like barons to view holdings anew

Over world not so flat from new heights would be at

He thought

Well how about that

A cat to sit on a CAT?

That then it is

This then is that

Thought a cat

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“Hey, who’s got the keys? I’ll supervise.”

Of Radio Engineers, Cat Crunchy Paper & Possible Spaceships

Downstairs at the station earlier this week was a recent package for Tom, one of our radio engineer guys, possibly the tallest radio engineer guy on the East Coast which means absolutely nothing here, he’s just pretty tall, thought I’d mention it.

It was a big box, with lots of smaller boxes of surely important and expensive radio equipment stuff, smaller boxes of radio thingy’s and whatchamacallits that Tom would recognize in an engineer way that would eventually be replacements for old thingy’s and whatchamacallits or be completely new additions, or maybe even be part of the controls on the bridge of a spaceship Tom was building on the station’s dime on the down low to get him the hell out of here, but conduits to buttons that I would probably at some point push (or not push – depending on the yellow post-its with pointed arrows that say “Frankenberry Don’t Push This”).

Noted I thought, but I just used the word “eventually” earlier as to installation of all this so I was good for the moment to not concern myself with personal yellow post-it notes just yet, but notice instead the more important aspect of what was also in this big box, with the lots of smaller boxes of surely important radio equipment stuff, the smaller boxes of thingy’s, and whatchamacallits that Tom would recognize and come with soon post-it warnings for me (though I might try to stow away on his spaceship to get the hell out of here as well – hopefully he brings post-its, I mean, it’s a spaceship … waaaay more important to note buttons I shouldn’t push out there … in space … ya know, where spaceships go … wouldn’t want to accidentally send us hurtling into a sun or something because that particular “send you hurtling into a sun” button didn’t have a simple post-it note telling me NOT to push it).

But also in the big box? Brown packing paper, lots of brown packing paper, or more famously, for me and my Bella, “crunchy paper”.

I was excited! Crazy cat lady guy excited! (been a while since I had refreshed the crunchy paper, the old paper rolled around on and slept on scratched on and cat puked on and cat toy played on so much by my little Bella that it was now nothing more than cloth soft paper tatters).

I asked Tom if he thought he might need any of this “crunchy paper” for possible returns and if not, could I have it … for my cat.

He looked quizzically, annoyedly and in his usual “why are you bothering me Frankenberry?” kind of way, the way he often does when looking at me (he probably being the one most understandably responsible for those yellow post-it notes in the first place) and said “Sure?” hoping I would just leave his office as quickly as possible.

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I thanked Tom earlier today for my Bella, told him Bella said I must, and even showed him pictures, like any crazy cat lady guy worth their catnip would, that he feigned interest in like a real trooper instead of just looking at me again quizzically, again annoyedly and again in his usual “why are you bothering me Frankenberry?” kind of way and said “You’re welcome?” hoping, once more, that I would just leave his office as quickly as possible (got a spaceship to work on here Frankenberry!! And don’t you dare try to stowaway, don’t know if post-its stick so well in space!).

Well how about that Bella?! A possible space adventure and new crunchy paper!!

Tom says “You’re welcome” by the way.

“Crunch Crunch Crunch”

Heckett and New Spider Plants

So, and before you start if you’ve noticed, I begin quite a few things with a “So”, it’s not your concern as to why … that’s all you Jill and your virtual red markers, so miss you.

So, in a conversation with a dear friend of mine, a one who came about being dear unintentionally, a friend who came to be dear through memory of a long passed time and particular place held close but where then she was just there until she bubbled heavy metal attitude up somehow years later into a now where you send thoughts and talk stuff into the wee and even sometimes throw random banana’s and silly fluffy or not fluffy life pictures at each other.

I told her that my sister had gifted me some spider plants. Two of them. I asked if she could get my stretch of a name of the two as I knew she would, plus you name things. Plants, cars “BB”, some of the third bay nameless garage cats here, you name things, BW, Lumpy, Penny, the most appropriate “Ghost” underneath a truck and out in a blink with your mere presence, “Li’l O” out the back porch, everything with a name, a point of reference, a something for the hello to furry things and even the inanimate things that mean so much for such stupid reasons.

Erica and Sid. My new Spider plants.

She got it, even though it was a stretch to take a step from Arachnid to Erica and Sid, but she knew what I meant proving why dear is dear.

She also said I should hang them if could, ’cause the cats might get to nibbling, though that belies permanence. I don’t have hanging things or walls.

Hold on … pause … completely off topic … now that’s a breeze rolling up hills, this one included, to an open window that calls of breezes that fight with indoor fans in the best of ways … just to my left at this most perfect time of year … not a quite too hot that still allows breezes fan fights with a Bella cat in her cat seat and a me in my PC chair and the best place I’ve ever had for words and a nose … take a sec … a nose … breezes that smell of … everything …

Ok, back to things at hand.

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My ex mother-in-law, Mrs P, gave Danielle and I a plant/small tree from her and Mr P’s house for our first apartment. We had a perfect room in an old new third top floor place just inside a small balcony where it could get some light and a little bit of love. Mrs P gave it to us because it just kind of sat below a window in the dining room there at the house without much attention. I could almost imagine it sad, you could say it looked Charlie Brown.

That room where the balcony was was just so, it was just so, was so perfect and where my computer was in early computer days and also where there were two old Victorian looking tall back yellow leather pimpled chairs that for the life of me I can’t remember where they came from, they just were, they just existed, like they were only floating in space waiting until an apartment and newlyweds with cats appeared around them, and they were the most perfect Benny and Merlin spots (my first Christmas new place present to Danielle  … though really only to myself) to lay on dreaming cat dreams. One in each. I named that plant/tree Heckett and placed him between those yellow tall backed floating Victorian looking chairs not too far from the window and the balcony.

I was home alone a lot then as I was doing a morning radio gig and Danielle was doing a sort of 9 or 10 to 7 in a little cigar shop at Station Square in Pittsburgh.

Well, in that quiet I took to writing and smoke breaks and writing and smoke breaks and thoughts out onto the balcony and found myself talking to myself and to kittens and to Heckett … a lot. I guess that might have been my beginning of crazy cat lady guy days huh?

Anyway, I said to Mrs P one day on a visit for dinner and to hang out and go for a walk with Fish, the dog, I so loved that dog in my brief, he gave me nose kisses and trusted me and appreciated I think when I would place myself between him and sometimes too fast suburban cars, I said Heckett was the coolest of things. I never expected that I said.

Mrs P: You never expected what?

Me: The flowers

Mrs P: The flowers?

Me: Yeah, the flowers blooming off branches. Petals everywhere. Benny and Merlin were covered in ‘em this morning

Mrs P: (taken aback) Really?! He never bloomed anything here

Well ok then. Maybe there is something to words I thought, words out loud that you bounce off cats and plant/trees named Heckett when you’re alone but not feeling like you’re too talking to yourself crazy cause at least you’re not the only one in the room. I wrote a poem about it years later that I just can’t seem to find whenever I remember, like now (still can’t find it) whenever I go for a search, though that is probably for the best.

Time and altered memory surely make it much better than it was, and it was most probably crap. I’ll leave it be, though I still remember the title “Heckett Bloomed Flowers He Never Knew”.

Yeah, it was definitely more than just probably crap.

I don’t know what became of Heckett in the back and forth of eventual broken things and the just too much, just too much (I kept the cats by the way) but Erica and Ned? I’ve heard spider plants have their moments of being replenishers.

At least that’s what Beck says.

We’ll see.

I’ll have talk to them about it.

.

A Friday Night Lights Return

7 miles. 35 minutes and the last 2 of those 7 miles went relatively quickly. A newly remembered two years later stress filled start to a Friday Night Lights gig up the Albany with the Newburgh-Beacon Bridge being an even worse back upped construction bastard than usual to start the trip now. Fridays in my radio production job can be headache enough already without adding to it the need to leave two hours early to hit the road and try to get to whatever Albany area High School is this week’s game of choice. Newburgh-Beacon Bridge? You ain’t helpin’.

The great Pyramids were probably built in a more timely fashion than this long, tortured attempt to fix a few lanes of traffic going back and forth across a river.

(holding a clipboard)

“How’s it coming Lenny?”

“Couple of big blocks are stuck sitting in river transit Bill, and a couple of others have been lost “

“Lost?”

“Bob”

“Bob?! Freakin’ Bob! Why is he a captain of these transports again?”

“His Dad?”

“Oh right, nepotism, and can’t go questioning the ol’ Pharoah there now can we, well, not without losing our heads right? Does his almighty have any kind of timetable on this, when more blocks might arrive?”

“No, but the river will provide”

“No, Lenny, apparently not always. Monster sized rocks sink Lenny, especially if Bob is piloting though I am told by the priests to chin up, that we will be finished with this in waaaay better time than some Newburgh-Beacon Bridge fix at a distant place in a distant future.”

“What??”

“Don’t ask”

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High School Football is back for the broadcast crew at Spectrum Sports and after that stressy 35 minutes 7 miles thing to start my trip I finally hit the Thruway. And, besides the bridge backup, there were also school busses flashing lights and brandishing stop signs, firetrucks giving pause as firetrucks will, bicyclists, lost semi’s, aliens with tractor beams grabbing at BB’s ass, slow oblivious pedestrians in crosswalks, like some sort of piling on comedy plus a line of traffic in front of me all suddenly needing to make left hand turns against even more traffic coming the other direction for some unknown reason at 3:30 in the afternoon.

“Hey ya’ll, Frankenberry’s hittin’ the road and he’s already stressed out for time … whatchya gonna do?”

“On it!! We’ll call friends!!”

Cue canned laughter.

Man, what a relief though, a relief like shot out a relief cannon at BB and I eventually finding our way out of the slow down.  

I’d actually forgotten how much I love that long wide right curve after the bridge and the Newburgh Thruway tolls to drive under the “North – Albany” sign on these Fridays, always gladly dismissing right then and there anything at work that I may have left behind and undone in my haste, anything I may have missed, the worry of possibly being yelled at a thing for Monday. Though it can make for a pretty long day when I finally do make it back home I have always enjoyed these Friday Night Lights nights, once I get past the early time scrunch stress, to get to a sideline’s excuse to tell the world to piss off for a little football while.

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Now in past seasons my Football Fridays always finished with the immediate turn around after game’s end and the breakdown of equipment and the truck load up and the search then for the closest McDonald’s on the way to the Thruway for a large fry and a larger caffeinated sugar me up awake Coke. Work a day a little short at the station, hop in BB for what usually approaches a two hour ride (two and half frustrating hours this time around), work a game and turn right around looking for the Moon’s assist to my headlights on my two hour way back, even hoping for an unmet new friend’s own headlights to keep pace with me and have my back for a few miles till I reach the end day promise of the Poughkeepsie/New Paltz exit.

But I had my sister’s place this first game back night. Mind you, it’s always been there in Albany, I’ve just been too much of an idiot to think about it more often in the past. But Mom is there now, with Beck being her caretaker these days in her diminished and I do love seeing her and Beck and the nephews and the cats and a happy Razzy lump of dog. The thought of the offer of the comfiest of couches downstairs to cut the long day a little short for the moment? Most appealing now, especially as I’ve added a couple of years to the human wheels and breath since the last games.

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Burnt Hills, a seeming one legged football team on this night, kept shooting themselves in their only foot  which made for a lot of falling down and coming up short and Shaker’s sideline, just behind me and following my parabolic mic steps, gleefully reminded them of such with whoops and hollers at every unbalanced misstep as well as screams thrown past the back of my head of “Hold ’em D!!”, “Let’s get ‘em O!!” or “C’Mon’ teammate’s number!!!” but not a number of a guy who may be 42 but a 4 -2, not a 17 but a 1 -7 and the rest of the litany of earnest football sideline chatter and entreaties just with some volume, with some serious volume, especially from that one kid, an injured one, going up and down the sidelines run like some caged Lion who couldn’t join in with the rest of his Lion pals, or Blue Bison pals in this case, one who was surely going to experience some lack of voice issues on Saturday morning or, at the least, just wake up sounding as if he had picked up a 2 pack a day habit overnight after his game long clichéd though excitedly genuine shrieks behind me every step of my way. Apologies to you, my ears.

I was reminded after two years of the almost comical obviousness of sideline yelling banter from coaches and players alike. From “eye on the ball” as if maybe something shiny might distract from the very nature of what your game asks for, the in unison play call shouts as they happen of “run!” or “pass!” like those on the field hadn’t already figured that out for themselves and needed the assist, punts that seemed to call for everyone to yell “Ball!” as it was in flight. I mean, yeah, it’s theoretically possible that there may have been some dozing for a moment so thus the reminder of the ball off a punter’s foot being in the air a necessary thing but still. Or, on another punt play, a coach calling out what always precedes “Ball!!” on a punt play, “Watch the fake!!” but in this case with the opposing team’s punter backed up to only a few yards away from the back of his own endzone on a fourth and forever down by 3 touchdowns. Yes coach, “Watch the fake!!” here. These nights, it seems, can even involve a little rote football comedy.

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This was Shaker’s night. They kicked off their season in grand fashion with some full blown highlight reel type stuff, passes to open sure hands down the right or perfectly blocked runs up the middle that breathlessly ran, and ran, and ran to the raucous din of the big bannered Blue Bison student section doing what they do supporting them with some coordinated noise or just noisy noise and joy.

I was so glad to be back at this (and to arrive to the free pizza for pre-game dinner and post-game leftovers for the weekend or, if they were big ass pizzas, as they sometimes are, leftover slices frozen in zip locks for lunches during the week).

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Hi Ma. No, don’t get up (comfy bed, quick kisses), just getting back from the game and crashing downstairs tonight. Murder mystery I see? That has always been your thing Ma. I like them too I said before a good night kiss on the cheek. Though she won’t remember me saying Hi or that kiss on the cheek she was indeed comfy, which was so nice to see and all that matters. Then it was a sit down with my Sis and a Matty (nephew) and a soon Jake (other nephew) to regale us with tales of how much he just adores his restaurant’s customers plus a kitten and a dog and half a sandwich and a two halves of a beer before making my way to that downstairs couch that nephew Matt had set up for me with fresh sheets and pillow cases and folded blankets down at the feet end just in case. I’ll have to let him know of little chocolates.

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Sitting in Beck’s driveway the next morning after finally taking advantage of this family Albany way station instead of just turning around, with Sisters and Ma’s and Nephews and fur and a fresh made couch, all of my weekend shit and change of clothes in a tote from some place that paid a dollar or two to have their name on a tote, a dental office, one that I’ve never been to, I asked my phone Google lady for directions to get me home.

Eventually, along the way, I realized that it wasn’t the way home I had intended, the Thruway that is mere miles from Beck’s place was apparently not on the top of Google lady’s GPS list of directions but instead she took me, after some time, to the Taconic State Parkway but not before guiding me on an open windowed beautiful picture drive of a day past perfectly sunlit farm stands and pick your owns and corn fields and cows and horses and other farm assorteds, places that were almost idyllic, places that when you pass them you take note of in glances of a that would be kind of nice huh? It was the most unexpected and enjoyable of rides. I think I know the way to go back now, after these family way station stops, at least until the weather turns, as I could be Ok with more of this.

I mean, there are more drives to come and football to be played with sidelines to be walked and more free pizza to be ate or frozen then ate over the next couple of months to give me continued enjoyable reason to tell the world to piss off for a little football while.

Right Prince Arthur?

Miss Sephira?

Well ya didn’t think I’d finish a post up without some obligatory Sister Beck cat pics after I’d told you of them did ya? Silly reader.

(pics of Razzy and Rikki Cat #3 next time around)