A Crazy Cat Lady Guy’s Cat Guide: A convenient list of tips to give an assist in the world of Cats, not, say, Dogs or Rabbits or Guinea Pigs or wild things found in the woods that become the topic of an ad laden web post “They thought it was a cat but then …” and the restorative effects of meditation on cats, oh, and yoga

A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #342 (the other 341 just inferred) … well shit, you have obviously stopped in the Attic here right?? There are/have been cats and a lot of unintentional tips. Surely at least 341 before this … give or take … just a catucated guess.

Tip #342: When at all possible, color coordinate a cat with your jammies while watching the new season’s latest episode of Magnum P.I. while also trying not to disturb said cat when things get a little edge of your seat dicey. “C’mon Thomas! You and Higgins and Rick and T.C. … you all got this!”

Know that your cat will be enthralled.

A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #343? … it’s coming … hold your little cat horses … gotta see how this Magnum thing plays out …

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A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #343 (I said it would be coming after Magnum – Thomas, Higgins, Rick and T.C. were fine by the way – I know, a load off there for you I’m sure).

Tip #343: Watch “Puss and Boots: The Last Wish” … because of course.

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A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #344

When shopping for a new box for your cat (possibly a blind one) replete with a bedding of only the finest of catly tissue paper know that new boxes with only the finest of catly tissue paper can be rather expensive these days, upwards of 60 to 70 dollars in some cases, so just be sure this new box you buy for said cat with a bedding of only the finest of catly tissue paper comes with a pair of sneakers as well.

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A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #345

If, when waking in the middle of the night, peeing being in order, you grab a flashlight to guide you on your way you notice, before you stand, at the end of the bed on the floor a cat paying you no mind but instead, staring head down intently, intensely at the carpet with a possible paw at the ready? Ignore it. Peeing is your one and only priority, especially if you are old. Just walk fast.

But, if, when you return you notice said cat still paying you no mind and still staring head down intently, intensely at the carpet with that possible paw still at the ready? Worry … and make sure you sleep with your mouth closed.

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A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #346

Indoor cats can sometimes go AWOL, or at least it seems, as you check all of their usual cat lay spots and cat haunts (that one cat house in the red light district from so many years ago that no one is proud of), closets, open drawers, top of the fridge, that cabinet underneath the sink you left open after grabbing some cleaner for the latest cat puke spot, one really expensive cat bed that was poo-poo’d from the second you layed it down with disappointment, but you still come up empty until what was your initial “no worries, he or she is surely here somewhere” turns into “wow, holy crap! did I leave a door or a window or that other dimension wormhole I only use on occasion open accidentally?”

Back to “no worries”.

Just lay down some freshly dried laundry or, if you don’t have any freshly dried laundry readily available, just lay down your stinky soon eventual freshly dried laundry – it can have the same result – while also reminding said cat, and you, that freshly dried laundry needs to happen, like NOW – “Dude you stink, and I poop in an open air box and have you smelled my food? I know stink.”

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A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #347

Know that when you are of the crazy cat lady ilk you may occasionally receive a T-Shirt in the mail that you don’t remember ordering. You might rack your brain as to how this came about.

“Was is it I that ordered this?” you will say to yourself or did maybe some anonymous person gift me this and have you then looking over your shoulder and peeking round corners ‘cause that would be kinda weird (even weirder than crazy cat lady guy cat tips).

Are cats really the Gods they may have been thought to be once and are now just rewarding me for my deference after figuring out the web and maybe how to steal someone’s credit card information?

Or is it that alcohol may have been involved late night?

Whatever the case may be, just be glad of your newfound cool cat fashion and maybe, just to be safe, leave an extra bowl of Fancy Feast to the side for these Cat Gods (the fish and shrimp one, the stinkier the better for Cat Gods we’re thinkin’).

Wouldn’t wanna piss them off, we mean, again, just to be safe.

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A Crazy cat lady guy’s cat guide: Tip #348

Always crunchy paper, always with the crunchy paper, right Bella? 🙂

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To be continued …