Another conversation in the Treehouse between the leader of the free world and his trusty man servant Benfred (as played by Ben Carson – he’s gotta have something to do other than nothing or screwing the little guy)
(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man RBG Haters Club)
From a few weeks ago
Benfred: (coming in with coffee and scones – suddenly alarmed) Sir? … Ummm … are you alright?
Donnie: (some music – dancing embarrassingly)
Benfred: Are you … dancing? …
Donnie: … I’m fine Ben …
Benfred: … and singing? … or at least what amounts to …
Donnie: (prancing about and singing out loud) … I’m all good Benfred
Benfred: You look like a drunk uncle at a wedding just minus a beer being spilled all over the dancefloor. Is that Flashdance?
Donnie: … just waiting for my moment my minority friend! (dancing continues)
Benfred: … so thus the chair … I get it … who’s that guy with the bucket of water?
Donnie: Miguel. Grabbed him from the Rose Garden
Miguel: Sigh
Donnie: Sent his buddies to Home Depot
Benfred: Home Depot?
Donnie: Yeh, didn’t need ‘em anymore. Garden looks great, Melania is happy, plenty of pickup trucks for them to hop in for the day. Miguel though, he’s the man! Right Kemosabe?
Miguel: Sigh
Benfred: I’m missing something I think
Donnie: She’s dead Ben
Benfred: She’s dead? Who’s dead?
Donnie: That nasty little woman who said mean, nasty things about me and who I think John Roberts was starting to listen to
Benfred: I’m lost here sir
Donnie: (dancing stops) … Miguel, I’m good, grassyass, there’s an envelope in the silverware drawer …
Miguel: Sigh
Donnie: It’s all counted by the way, especially the spoons. Consider it a test Miguel … (fingers to eyes and back) … eyes on you Miguel
Miguel: Sigh
Benfred: is that all he says … “sigh”?
Donnie: Yeh that’s it. He speaks a single word here in a Frankenberry post and suddenly he somehow gets union rate even without papers. I don’t get it. Hate unions … Hey, can you grab the bucket instead?
Benfred: What?
Donnie: Can you grab the bucket?
Benfred: For what sir?
Donnie: (dragging the chair and placing right in the middle of the Treehouse’s office floor)
Benfred: That’s gonna scratch
Donnie: (sitting) Ok, hit me.
Benfred: ??
Donnie: Hit me. (leaning back in chair) Pour it over my head
Benfred: Sir?
Donnie: (with that lean and head back) just do it Ben!
Benfred: I’m not comfortable with this Sir
Donnie: Oh Ben, there’s nothing to worry about, you can trust me, just do it
Benfred: Trust you? The last time I did something like this when you said it was Ok you sicked the Secret Service guys on me ….
Donnie: Hey, something about water and a bridge. It’s Ok, nothing to worry about now …
Benfred : … and I still have those knee impressions on my neck … see … right here … they’re like a tattoo now
Donnie: Ok, fine, Joykill. I’ll just call Miguel back
Benfred: You can’t
Donnie: Why not?
Benfred: ICE just picked him up
Donnie: Really? Damn they’re good. And I liked him.
Benfred: But why are you dancing and singing sir, why the happy, that’s so not like you. And why Flashdance for heaven’s sake?
Donnie: Well I started with another song from some old movie where a house falls on a Democrat and all the little republican people were singing my name and everything was golden after that, and there was a long walk along a road paved with my new found money and they all discovered what they were missing in themselves that they already had right here in me but I couldn’t remember the words and Miguel was just a bit too tall to really get the vibe.
Benfred: But Flashdance?
Donnie: What? You don’t like the classics?
Benfred: Well, ummm … sure Jennifer Beals was great …
Donnie: Jennifer who?
Benfred: Jennifer Beals? The star of the movie?
Donnie: You sure it wasn’t Judy Garland?
Benfred: Yeh quite sure, but aside from that, I’m just missing why the happy?
Donnie: She croaked just in time Benfred
Benfred: Who?
Donnie: That nasty little RPG
Benfred: Uh, a real player game someone?
Donnie: No, that IUD?
Benfred: Most assuredly not that.
Donnie: Oh wait, it was that MPG, yeh that’s it! MPG! Props to my Big Oil peeps!
Benfred: Hold on, are you talking about Justice Ginsberg?
Donnie: Is it the one they’re selling cool T-shirts with those initials now and images that are a thumb in my eye? How did she rate cool T-shirts?
Benfred: If you mean Ruth Bader Ginsberg, yes. But she had quite a distinguished career and built quite a loyal following.
Donnie: Well, dummies don’t even realize that her initials don’t spell out MPG, intellectuals my ass, but still she’s dead Ben and now I get another pick in the draft and just in time
Benfred: ??
Donnie: That’s my happy. My new Supreme Court Team. My just in case.
Benfred: Just in case?
Donnie: You’ll see.
Now
(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Sagging #’s Haters Club)
Benfred: (walking into the study surprised to find Donnie there and …) whoa sir! (looking away) what the hell are you doing?!
Donnie: (caught off guard and holding his pants right around his knees) What?
Benfred: Man, could you pull those up please? I’d like to sleep nightmare free tonight. What is this all about?
Donnie: I was just getting’ ready to throw some more shit at the wall before the election.
Benfred: Seriously?
Donnie: Yeh, that’s what Bannon used to say he was doin’ all the time. Though his was more in an overload distraction kinda shit against the wall way, so people wouldn’t notice what we were really doing
Benfred: It’s just a figure of speech sir.
Donnie: Figure? A shapely one I hope, maybe on the blonde or dirty blonde light brown side, but since when do they speak?
Benfred: No … it’s a metaphor, just something people say when …
Donnie: Ummm a what? A Meta-whore (almost excited)?
Benfred: No sir, not a meta whore …
Donnie: … (deflated) damn
Benfred: it’s a meta … oh, never mind. It’s just something people say when they want to throw a bunch of ideas out there to see which one “sticks”, but usually it’s used in a creative, constructive way, not really what you’re thinking here
Donnie: Well hell Ben, all shit’s gonna stick if you throw it at a wall (laughingly rolling his eyes thinking “duh” with his pants starting to drop)
Benfred: Sir, your belt?
Donnie: What … oh, right
Benfred: It’s not meant literally, to throw shit …
Donnie: …wait, wait, “literally”, I know that one. I know the best words, got ‘em all right here (tapping on the noggin … then readjusting his hair) well except for that meta whore one, been to school you know. Ok like, uhhhh … oh, my head literally exploded when that evil little elf Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation back when. Or better yet, a sports one, football, ‘cause I brought football back you know, though no one’ll give me credit … so everything’s back to normal … no more Corona … ok here it is … they literally buried that guy in the backfield just now. See Benfred, I literally know my shit right? (self satisfied nod)
Benfred: Sorry sir. That’s figuratively, not literally. Your head didn’t explode, there were no headstones in the backfield, no shallow graves.
Donnie: HaHa! Shallow graves. Story for a future time. Figure, again Benfred? And that one sounds extra sexy with those extra letters. Always end up talkin’ my language now don’t we?
Benfred: Yes sir, apparently we do. I get Miguel’s “sighs” now. Ok, what kind of figurative “shit” are you throwing at a wall.
Donnie: Everything Ben, mostly stuff I didn’t really care about, or promised but never delivered on but now am doing all at once to try to show the American people that I’m really on my side.
Benfred: Um?
Donnie: Their side, on their side.
Benfred: Right.
Donnie: Like those health care plan executive orders I mic dropped on the people, like Boom, quite impressive.
Benfred: (robotically) Yes, you’re very dynamic. Are you talking about those slap dash executive orders that are pretty flimsy and that you probably don’t even have the authority to issue? That sudden health care “plan”?
Donnie: Whoa now Nelly. I got a Sharpie and the Presidency, I can decree anything into existence I want especially at the last minute out of political desperation. And what about that part where I say pre-existing medical conditions are covered. My idea by the way.
Benfred: You mean the same pre-existing condition coverage that’s part of the Obamacare you’ve been trying to dismantle for years?
Donnie: Hey, my pre-existings are sooooo much cooler (aside to a full length mirror – because of course they are) and I also made up some pretty sweet sounding numbers about how much people will be able to save versus that Obama nightmare. Big savings numbers Ben (aside to mirror again with a sly smile – because it’s always big with the Don)
Benfred: Gotcha
Donnie: And I survived, by the grace of god of course, the Corona, so people are viewing me in a new more heroic light now. Much more fitting if you ask me and now my last ditch is coming from a hero.
Benfred: Yeh, the timing and optics on that was pretty convenient huh?
Donnie: Damn right it was … no wait … no, the timing was just … it was just … but I was ill and I faced it down, head on like a real man, like a real leader should and no one can dispute that Ben!!
Benfred: Those NDA’s from the folks at Walter Reed help though
Donnie: Fuck yeh … what? No, those are just are just common practice.
Benfred: What about those two Doc’s that wouldn’t sign off on them?
Donnie: Quacks … plus I found out where they live.
Benfred: Lunch?
Donnie: Famished
Benfred: Well I can whip up a little lemon pepper chicken breast with just a hint of …
Donnie: … got anything in the way of a burger?
Benfred: Ok, we can do that too. Door Dash?
Donnie: Sure. Apparently the Secret Service dudes take offense at being the runners.
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