The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason and Tyranny – Ep #16: “The Appointment”

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Protests & Other Stuff Haters Club)

Been a while for a trip to the Trump Treehouse with Trump and his trusty man servant Benfred

(an echo in a hall)

Donnie: Hello? Hello? Supreme here? Hello?

(Benfred right on his hip)

Benfred: Yes sir?

Donnie: (with a start) Whoa, Jesus Benfred!! Don’t sneak up on me like that!!

Benfred: I didn’t sneak up on you Sir

Donnie: What?!

Benfred: I didn’t sneak up on you

Donnie: Yes you did. I was calling for you, you weren’t there and then BOOM! Kind of classic sneaking up

Benfred: No, I’ve been here the whole time

Donnie: Since when? I haven’t heard from you in months … which is good by the way, too much stuff they could ask the only black guy in this cabinet. Cabinet. That’s still funny. Sounds like you’re a plate or a dish. Just checkin’ the cabinet for a …

Benfred: Am I missing something?

Donnie: You don’t know?

Benfred: Know what sir?

Donnie: Really?

Benfred: No, what sir?

Donnie: All the chaos caused by you all, getting in the way of bullets, putting your heads under knees, the rioting, thinking you matter, the un … un … something about resting but not.

Benfred: Unrest?

Donnie: Yes that’s it, un … what is that again?

Benfred: Unrest sir.

Donnie: Where have you been during all of this un … stuff?

Benfred: I’ve been right here in the treehouse.

Donnie: Doing what? I haven’t seen you, though you are fairly invisible to me for the most part.

Benfred: Doing mostly nothing other than being unqualified, like Betsy, and keeping my brethren down but you won’t find a speck of dust.

Donnie: Really?

Benfred: Really.

Donnie: So if I white glove this I won’t find anything?

Benfred: Not a speck. Though the white gloves are kind of my thing

Donnie: I know, just a figure of … of … a figure of … little help here

Benfred: Speech?

Donnie:  Yes that’s it. Speech. Don’t know why I find that one so difficult.  Ok, good, I’ll trust ya … after I check the silverware of course

Benfred: Of course. You have an appointment at 3 by the way

Donnie: You’re keeping my calendar now?

Benfred: Yes, just for today though. Meadows does a fine job other than trying to destroy us all but sometimes he gets a little ummm, distracted.

Donnie: Distracted?

Benfred: Yeah, he’s quite attuned to your ass and that throws him off.

Donnie: Understood. I like those type though. And I do have a fine ass. Remind me to call Lindsey. What about Kayleigh? She couldn’t keep my appointments?

Benfred: Something about Kool Aid and needing a tumbler so I just thought I’d calendar for you myself, just in case.

Donnie: Thank you Benfred, you’re a good one

Benfred: Thank you sir

Donnie: So, who is my 3?

Benfred: You don’t remember? It’s kinda big

Donnie: I’m supposed to remember things?

Treehouse doorbell

Benfred: Oh, hold on I’ll get that … Bill how are you?

William the Low Barr:  Bill?

Benfred: Sorry, my bad. Sir William how are you?

William the Low Barr:  Better. You know I’m the law right?

Benfred: Yes sir, hands up and open.

William the Low Barr:  Good, though that doesn’t always work in your favor. Remember that. Even in your bed sleeping.

Benfred: Thank you sir.

William the Low Barr: Where’s the big guy?

Benfred: (walking forward) he should still be in the sunroom.

William the Low Barr: (following) Tending his plants I assume?

Benfred: Ahhh, you know how he loves his flowers

William the Low Barr:  I do. So pretty

(reaching the sunroom)

Donnie: C’mon dirt! You’re supposed to make this stuff grow for Christ’s sake!!

Benfred: I’ll get some water. Bill is …

William the Low Barr: (glare)

Benfred: … Sir Willliam the Low Barr is here.

Donnie: Oh, Hi Bill. Damned things, and I was gonna pluck them eventually for Melania and maybe hold her hand. Just dust. Are you my 3?

Willliam the Low Barr: You have a 3?

Donnie: Apparently

William the Low Barr:  Who is that?

Donnie: No idea … hey, Benfred, who is my 3?

Benfred: Hold on sir.

Donnie: No, right now Benfred. What’s that water gonna do? Drop it!

Benfred: Sorry sir, useless water … my bad.

Donnie: Who is my 3?

Benfred: I can’t believe you don’t remember.

William the Low Barr: Hey, careful, you’re sounding a little uppity.

Benfred: I can’t believe you don’t remember … Sir.

William the Low Barr: Better

Donnie: Remind me Benfred. Seems my actual calendar keepers are busy doing other things … hey that tickles.

Benfred: It’s Vlad. We set this up a while ago while he was trying to destabilize but we cleared a 3 for today. He wants to make sure you’re on his page again as we get closer to this election. Something about making sure he’s still got his hand inside your back.

Donnie: Oh, you were right Benfred, this IS a big one. Hey, did you send him a thank you, some of Melania’s flowers, for the nesting dolls? You know, the ones of all him and me being the final tiny one? That shit is so cute.

Benfred: I did, but he didn’t get back.

Donnie: That’s alright, busy guy, trying to rule the world an all.

Willliam the Low Barr: It’s almost 3, ya want me to tear gas this guy or knee his neck? Get him out of the way?

Benfred: Hey, I can just leave the room

Donnie: No, not today Bill. Yeah, take off Benfred. Don’t need a guy of your ummm  … help me out Ben.

Benfred: Stature?

Donnie: Stature. Yeah sure, stature. Though that word is a bit much. And I know words, all the best of them. Too much importance.

Benfred: I’m with ya, too much

Donnie: How do I look?

William the Low Barr: Orange and imposing.

Donnie: HeHe, got that tickle again. Perfect. Though I will have to hike my pants up a bit. Got this thing going on midriff … (pointing) right about here

William the Low Barr: (head turned) ‘nuff said sir

Donnie: Seriously though, Ya think I can pull this off?

William the Low Barr: Oh without a doubt Sir

Donnie: Think I could ride a horse shirtless?

William the Low Barr: You most assuredly could. Have you ever ridden a horse by the way?

Donnie: Of course, had one I rode all the time when I was younger

William the Low Barr: I’m surprised they let you

Donnie: Why?

William the Low Barr: Well prodigals aren’t usually put in any possible danger

Donnie: You sayin’ I was babied?

William the Low Barr: No Sir, not at all it’s just that …

Donnie: Hey! I’ll have you know that Hobby was kind and even forgiving when I fell off. Great horse

William the Low Barr: Oh I’m sure he was, my apologies.

Donnie: He?

William the Low Barr: ???

Donnie: You said He

William the Low Barr: ???

Donnie: You said “He” like hobby was a guy

William the Low Barr: Apologies again Sir

Donnie: Trump don’t ride no guy horses

Benfred: Excuse me Sir

William the Low Barr: Oh you again. Didn’t we send you off?

Benfred: (subtle but knowing glare/glance wishing of busses and distracted stepped curbs) my apologies but I have a message of utmost importance

William the Low Barr: It better be important boy.

Benfred: (changing wishing of busses and distracted stepped curbs to curses that involve chicken feet and incense and mumbled dark magic)  Vlad won’t be coming.

Donnie: What?

Benfred: They have called off the meeting for today. Vlad said he had to wash his hair and had a headache and had a family matter and needed to walk his Mastiffs and his cousin needed someone to accidentally fall out of a window and he wasn’t up to par on the latest radioactive isotopes that can cause death for his political opponents in some bottled water. He did send a card though.

Donnie: Really? He sent a card? Read it to me

Benfred: It’s in Russian

Donnie: Give me the gist then

Beenfred: Ummmm

Donnie: Gist Befred, give me gist

Benfred: Ummm, there’s what looks like a heart at the bottom, or it could just be a pizza stain.

Donnie: (looking at the card) Oh, that Vlad, so thoughtful, well ok then . Bill you hungry? Seems our calendar is clear.

William the Low Barr: I could got with some ribs and grits

Benfred:  (rubbing a chicken claw and whispering into the wind)