(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Alarm Haters Club)
Donnie: (waking from napping to Fox and Friends clutching a Sean Hannity pillow…phone falls off the bed to the floor as he sits up) …what the Hell?! Again?!!
Ben: (rushing in) What’s the problem sir?
Donnie: What’s the problem?! I don’t know…maybe it’s these fucking alarms Benfred!
Ben: Relax sir, it’s just the new “Trump News Update” alarm system I had installed.
Donnie: My phone! Check my phone! It fell on the floor!
Ben: It’s fine sir.
Donnie: You sure? Do we need to call a phone doctor?
Ben: Phone doctor?
Donnie: Yes Benfred, phone doctor. Sheesh!! I’ve been told they have those you know?! Phone doctor trade schools even. And YOU’RE a doctor for Christ’s sake. You should know this. It’s the doctor you call if your phone might be hurt or feeling sick.
Ben: Let me check it.
Donnie: Ok, but not too close, cause then I’d have to find somebody to kill you. I know those types of people now by the way. Lot’s of national security stuff in there. Big stuff…really important big boy stuff (with emphasis and a knowing nod) INNNNNTEL Benfred…files, honestly, you’re just not intelligent enough to handle, given your innate shortcomings an all, nothing personal, and it’s all bullet pointed and graphed in color. Very complicated.
Ben: Oh, of course, nothing personal at all, I’m ONLY a neurosurgeon, but on your unsecure phone sir?
Donnie: Shut up Benfred. It’s password protected.
Ben: 1 2 3 5?
Donnie: How’d you know? But genius huh? I purposely, I think, left out the…uhhh…the…what’s the oth…
Ben: The 4?
Donnie: (shrugging off) right…is she alright?
Donnie: Shut up AGAIN Ben. Just tell me…is Hope alright?..crap…wait…didn’t mean to say that…don’t even think about asking.
Ben: You call your phone Hope?
Donnie: What did I just say about not asking Ben?! Jesus!…and it’s….uhhh…”Hope”…hope for a better future, less fake news, more official Trump truth through tweets, in case you’re curious.
Ben: (wide eyed) Truth?
Ben: Of course, my bad…”truth” sir.
Donnie: (harder glare)
Ben: My air quote fingers were showing again weren’t they?
Donnie: Hmmmm…well, is she ok or what?
Ben: Yes “she’s” fine.
Donnie: Wheww, that’s a relief. Thank you. I’m sure taking her to a phone doctor in an emergency would have been yugely expensive.
Ben: You got that right sir. Too bad we’re not in Canada with THEIR phone doctors. Much cheaper. It’s actually included in their citizen plan believe it or not, and with unlimited life minutes too. Have a sick phone? Boom, covered.
Donnie: I know. Gotta have a meeting about that. (Note to self: Canadian phone doctors – lie to Trudeau about why I wanna know, gloat about it later – don’t let the generics in) So what’s with these alarms Ben? They keep waking me from my beautiful Fox and Friends dreams (loves me that Ainsley), keep scaring the hell out of me when I’m tending to my flower boxes or when I’m counting the rocks in the boxes on my book shelves in the library.
Ben: You have flower boxes?
Donnie: Well, (rolling his eyes) yeaaaaah.
Ben: You mean those rickety unpainted boxes of dry dirt outside the kitchen window?
Donnie: They’re a work in progress.
Ben: Did you actually plant any seeds in them?
Ben: Yes…oh…never mind. Anything you touch dies anyway.
Donnie: But these alarms? What if they go off when I’m on the golf course? Don’t want anyone thinking I might use them to kick a ball in the distraction…
Ben: …of course not.
Donnie: …’cause I play an honest game, though with a whatever stroke handicap I decide at the end of the round.
Ben: I know you do sir. Honesty is a hallmark of yours.
Donnie: (raised eyebrow, thinking of glaring)
Ben: No, truly sir, that’s what they all say, they say “That Trump, honesty is a hallmark of his”
Donnie: My they?
Ben: Yes sir.
Donnie: Like my lots of they?
Ben: Your lots of they exactly sir.
Donnie: I love them they, especially the lots of they.
Ben: And the everyone too. All encompassing.
Donnie: I know huh?
Ben: Plus the them too, lots of the them…those them always say great things.
Donnie: I know, as they should…so much I’ve done…
Ben: …and the many, the many are always on your side…
Donnie: …I know, passed some of they them in the street just the other day…and they them were very nice…complimented Trump on the job…no one reports this you know…
Ben: …and you might even say that the them, they, lot’s of and many are a majority, and all great Americans because the they, them, many support you implicitly, almost blindly. Sign things accordingly. Tell you all the time.
Donnie: There was a poll you know, how they all said it.
Ben: Was there really? From who?
Donnie: A poll Benfred.
Ben: I know sir, but who conducted the pol…
Donnie: I SAID THERE WAS A POLL!
Ben: …right sir, yes, a poll. Surely proved your point of course.
Donnie: Damn fake news didn’t report on this poll.
Ben: They never do on the imaginary ones. Bastards!
Donnie: I know. Hate them. So, anyway, again, what’s with these freakin’ alarms?!!
Ben: They’re just to keep you aware of what the next news cycle might be. Like that alarm about Omarosa from a couple of weeks ago.
Donnie: A couple of weeks? Wow, that’s a long time. Did it even happen? Can I backtrack and say it didn’t?
Ben: But she has tapes sir.
Donnie: Tapes schmapes Benfred. Can I say they were doctored? Like that whole Lester Holt nonsense? Interview…caught on tape…actual words coming out of my mouth. Can I say fudged?
Ben: Best you don’t sir. Could be taken the wrong way.
Donnie: The 80’s again?
Ben: Never mind.
Donnie: Whatever. She was black though right?
Ben: Yes. Still is.
Donnie: Shit. Probably lost that one.
Ben: Probably, but you won’t miss her, plus ya still got Kanye…Tiger…that Pierson chick with the big forehead from your campaign…Zirconium & Polyester…Jim Brown…
Donnie: Forehead is kind of an idiot though.
Ben: She is, but she loves you.
Donnie: Very important.
Ben: But, again, sir, the alarms are just to keep you updated, especially when you’re nose deep in Hope.
Ben: Your phone?
Donnie: Oh, right.
Ben: Like the numerous Michael Cohen alarms.
Donnie: Those keep going off by the way. Fucking flipper…should be illegal (note to self: call my new loyalty vetted judges, especially Kavanaugh)
Ben: And there’s been quite a few Mannafort alarms.
Ben: And the alarm for that guy from the National Enquirer
Donnie: (double sigh)
Ben: And the alarm from Sessions taking a pot shot after YOU took another pot shot at him.
Donnie: Evil little elf. Damned ears of his. I might just close the Alice door the next time he comes knockin’ here.
Ben: And the alarm from the CPO of your “foundation”
Donnie: Did you just say that in quotes again Benfred?
Donnie: Yes you did.
Ben: Damn these fingers…mind of their own.
Donnie: Yeh, you’re not good at that.
Ben: My apologies sir, it’s just like anytime you mention Kellyanne or Laura and I suddenly end up with a carrot on my nose…
Donnie: …and that foundaton does a lot of positive things ya know. Does a lot of good. Some communities praise me for the good it does.
Ben: Great good. All the dollars it hasn’t pledged. And your likeness in that one portrait is uncanny. Inspiring for the communities I’m sure.
Donnie: It really is isn’t it? Catches the orange in that halo.
Ben: If Christ had an orange halo he’d be you sir.
Donnie: Thank you Benfred, I’ll mention that at the next National Prayer Breakfast, Evangelicals eat that shit up…
Ben: …and ignore all they claim to stand for…
Donnie: …precisely. But you really have to do something about all of these al…
Donnie: Oh…what the fuck now Benfred?
Ben: Hold on…you’re Ok sir. Seems this one was a just a reminder alarm.
Ben: Senator John McCain.
Donnie: What about him?
Ben: He died sir?
Donnie: Oh, he did that just to spite me ya know? Ask Kelli Ward, poor girl. Has my full support. She’s a doctor. She knows how people can plan their deaths to be spiteful.
Donnie: Grabbing all the glory. Even in death. War hero yadda yadda, captured yadda yadda. Ya know, if I had been there…
Ben: …but for your dad and your feet and your cowardice…
Donnie: …exactly, if I had been there I…
Ben: They’re kneeling again
Donnie: Motherfuckers…I’ll plantation teach ’em. Grab my prop!
Donnie: Yeh, we’ll whip ’em with it!! It’s right over there in the corner Benfred!!
Ben: Ummm, grab your prop…the flag?
Donnie: Yeh, that flag thing…something about Diana Ross…
Ben: …you mean BETSY Ross?
Donnie: Yeh, but she couldn’t sing. I was there. Awful voice.
Ben: The one with the blue stripes?
Donnie: Yeh that one…start waving it and sing along with m…
Ben: …you really don’t want to do that sir…
Donnie: …why not?…
Ben: …the words…
Donnie: …good point, but let’s just wave…
Ben: …just you and me?…
Ben: The wave? It’s a little anti climatic with just two…
Donnie: …no numbnuts…the Flag…start waving it…
Ben: …oh right sir…and this is kind of fun actually…it’ll surely make the white kids proud to be American…
Donnie: …it’s what I do. I’m an inspiration. You know I could have been an owner right? But they were scared about how good an owner I could have been…wouldn’t let me in…
Ben: Yeh, your USFL prowess surely scared them off. The way you took a successful few years and burned it to the ground
Donnie: Hey, they won a dollar.
Ben: Hugely symbolic sir.
Donnie: And they got that because of me! Sure, it wasn’t much of a split league wide but nobody has ever given me credit for that.
Ben: It seems to be a theme.
Ben: The subject of talk, a piece of writing, a person’s writing, a person’s thoughts or an exhibition, a topic.
Ben: Sorry sir. I googled the definition for you…got it from Dictionary.com…thought it might help. But as I look at it now, not so muc…
Donnie: …and THOSE fucking guys…
Donnie: …Google!…not being pro-Trump propaganda…suppressing conservative voic…
Ben: Duck sir!!
Donnie: (ducking) …what?!
Ben: Google. They’re all knowing!…I think they’ve pinned our locatio…
(Donnie and Ben in a corner, eyes roaming, vigilant)
Donnie: …(suddenly singing the jingle)…I think I feel like McDonalds…
Ben: …me too…(bastards) … fish filet or a quarter pounder?
Donnie: …who the hell eats the fish filets Benfred?…quarter pounder for me…no, make that a double quarter pounder…extra cheese…and nuggets, gotta have nuggets…and fries…oh, and make sure the fries are on top of the bag…
Ben: …of course sir.
(Oh, Cricket the Blind wrote this last part. Just proving that all cats, even those that can’t see, know how to find a keyboard for a bit of exposition whenever you’re trying to work on one…not quite sure what she means here and though it seems she’s apparently very self centered it also sounds kinda fancy)