The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny – Ep #2: "Bang the Gravel"

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Gavel Haters Club)

Donnie: Alright, this meeting of the He-Man Truth Haters Club will now be ordered. Jeff, bang your gravel.

Jeff: It’s gavel.

Donnie: What?

Jeff: It’s gavel, not gravel.

Donnie: That’s what I said.

Jeff: No, you said gravel, small stones, what you meant was gavel. Kinda like a little mallet.

Donnie: What I meant? Are you trying to tell me what I meant, like I was wrong? Are you correcting me Jeff?

Jeff: No sir, not at all. Just pointing out that to bring the meeting to order you want a gavel.

Donnie: Really…..JEFF? Maybe Trump’s changing this PC gavel crap Jeff  ’cause he’s Trump. Maybe Trump meant exactly what he said…….JEFF. Maybe Trump meant to order this meeting with gravel and not some big headed tiny little elf stick. Ben!

Token Carson: Yes sir?

Donnie: Climb down the tree and get me some GRAVEL. But not small stones, I want big gravel.
Gotta be big Trump gravel.

Ben: Ummm…ok, but then technically speaking it’s not really gravel anymo…

Donnie: …(glaring) don’t use your big brain, just go get me some BIG gravel Ben. And paint it gold before you get back.

Ben: Yes sir.

Jeff: Should we wait for him?

Donnie: For who?

Jeff: Ben, sir.

Donnie: Ben who?

Jeff: Carson. Ben Carson. You just sent him down the tree to get you some gravel? So we can start the meeting?

Donnie: Oh Ben, right. What’s he do again?

Jeff: He’s in charge of HUD.

Donnie: Really? Housing and urban something?

Jeff: Yes.

Donnie: Is urban really a part of it? I don’t like urban.

Jeff: I know sir, but yes.

Donnie: Well ok, it is what it is. Does he know what he’s doing?

Jeff: Housing? No clue…but he has a really nicely afforded new office.

Donnie: As nice as Pruitt’s?

Jeff: No…none of us seem to rate that sir.

Donnie: Yeh I know…wait…I’m President. I don’t rate that…and in spades? (aside whisper “I gotta get me some of that bulletproof shit”)

Jeff: Funny turn of phrase sir.

Donnie: What?

Jeff: Spades…never mind. He may not have not a clue sir, but he’s a neurosurgeon.

Donnie: Really? Neurosurgegeon? They’re smart right?

Jeff: Well yes…they do surgery on brains. Lots of schooling.

Donnie: Lots of schooling? Fucking elites. Are any of his brains bigger than mine?

Jeff: Well I don’t know abo….

Donnie: ANY BIGGER THAN MINE?!

Jeff: Ummm, no of course not. Yours is the biggest.

Donnie: Damn right it is. All that elitist schooling couldn’t help with a brain the size of mine. Maybe if there were a trade school for brains though, you know, an apprenticeship where they learn hands on, nuts to bolts, bolts to brains with guys that are like, I don’t know, brain mechanics.

Jeff: Well in some regards that’s kind of what medical shcooling is. Lots of study and residencies with experienced doctors in working hospitals.

Donnie: But it’s not a TRADE school is it Jeff? A school where they learn a trade is it…..JEFF? An everyday blue collar, brain mechanic school where they learn from blue collar guys who voted for me because they felt their trade was being disenfranchised by the elites at colleges who were stealing their jobs and livelihoods is it JEFF!!??

Jeff: No…you’re absolutely right sir. Those brain mechanic Trade schools have been overlooked for far too long. And you’re their voice sir.

Donnie: I’m their voice. Exactly! I’m their voice. I like that. Where’s Betsy?

Dippy DeVoss: Right here sir.

Donnie: You been here the whole time?

Dippy: Of course sir. Right in the corner where you put me earlier. You invited me to the meeting.

Donnie: I did? You have scrapes on your knee.

Dippy: The tree is a bit of a climb sir.

Donnie: Shit, thought it might have been something else to get me in trouble. I miss the 80’s. Well, it’s good to work for it. How come you haven’t added anything?

Dippy: Added anything to what sir?

Donnie: Li’l Jeff (Jeff sigh) and I talking about schooling and trades and how brain mechanics have been overlooked for too long.

Dippy: Schooling?

Donnie: Yes, schooling. That’s what you do right? Didn’t I put you in charge of schools?

Dippy: Oh yes, right, schooling. Absolutely. You’re right…schooling…that’s what I’m in charge of…I am. Must have zoned out a bit on the word shcooling. Just doing the Lord’s work sir.

Donnie: That you are. Speaking of that, have we legislated the Bible as mandatory history and science text yet?

Dippy: Working on it sir. That’s my big project.

Donnie: Taxpayer funded?

Dippy: Of course.

Donnie: Good, go back to your corner.

Dippy: Thank you sir. It’s a good corner. God’s in it.

Donnie: Of course he is…he likes me right?

Dippy: Who sir?

Donnie: This God guy. He likes me right?

Dippy: Oh, I’m sure he does.

Donnie: What? You don’t know?

Dippy: Well, I don’t REALLY talk to him directly but I’m sure he does.

Donnie: I’ve had breakfast with him you know.

Dippy: Yes, I know.

Donnie: Fine fucking breakfast. And not just bagels and coffee. A REAL breakfast. With important God people.

Dippy: I know sir. Always impressive.

Donnie: You still here?

Dippy: Yes….No. Not here anymore. Corner.

Donnie: Good.

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Who’s there?

Ben: Ben.

Donnie: Ben who?

Ben: It’s Ben too long?

Donnie: (cue sitcom canned laughter and a cheesy Trump thumbs up orange grin close up)…(pause)…Why are you carrying a box of rocks?

Ben: Irony sir?

Donnie: ???????….(more canned laughter) … Ok, let’s add and urn and take this meeting up next week. See you then.

Jeff: Next wednesday?

Donnie: No, let’s make it next Tuesday. I’ve still got a bone to pick with Samantha Bee.

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