The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny – Ep #9: Mexican Sandwiches

(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Expensive Chinese Haters Club)

Donnie: Did you get the sandwiches?

Ben: Sandwiches?

Donnie: Yeh, the sandwiches I asked you to pick up for today’s meeting.

Ben: I thought you wanted Chinese?

Donnie: Why would I want Chinese? It’s so expensive now. No, I wanted sandwiches…from the Deli around the corner.

Ben: You sure sir?

Donnie: Well, yeah, why not?

Ben: But you don’t like that Deli.

Donnie: I don’t? Why?

Ben: ‘Cause you claim Ahmed shorted you on the fries on your last order.

Donnie: Well he did!

Ben: No he didn’t. They were just under the burgers.

Donnie: Hey! They should have been on top! Who doesn’t pack a to-go order with the fries on the top of the bag? That’s Un-American. It’s the first go-to for God’s sake, especially on the ride home.

Ben: I know, but you called ICE on him

Donnie: Fries are important Benfred!

Ben: Well, I’ll check and see if Ahmed has been released and…

Donnie: …probably not…no, most probably not…hey did I call ICE on that Mexican place yet?

Ben: I don’t think so sir

Donnie: Good, then make it quick, the meeting is in, like, an hour. Tacos, Fajeeders, Burritos, enchiseeyaladers, Mexican burgers…

Ben: Mexican burgers?

Donnie: Yes Benfred, burgers made by Mexicans, sheeeshh (to self: fucking dumb smart guys)…and quesaphylissdillers…with extra cheese…that peso cheese…

Ben: You mean Queso?

Donnie: Yeh, pays for itself, and that one too, and chips with Spicoli dip…a lot of chips with Spicoli dip.

Ben: Sessions won’t like the Spicoli dip.

Donnie: Oh, he’s just a fucking wet rag. And not the wet rag that will really get you some info, doesn’t have have the stomach for it. No, he’s just always looking to fill his private prisons….just order plenty of Spicoli dip alright Benfred?

Ben: Will do sir.

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Who’s there?

Jeff: It’s me, Sessions.

Donnie: Are you trying to use the big boy door again Jeff?

Jeff: Sorry sir. (moving to the small Alice door)

*Knock Knock

Donnie: What’s the password?

Jeff: Ummmm…”recusal”?

Donnie: Still not funny Jeff.

Jeff: “Crusades”?

Donnie: Better. (lets Sessions in through the Alice door). What the hell is that?

Jeff: It’s my sword sir.

Donnie: It’s a butter knife with a makeshift hilt.

Jeff: It’s my sword now though.

Donnie: Ok, to scale. And what are you wearing?

Jeff: You like it? It’s vintage. A genuine medieval tunic. Got it off some dark web grave robbers site.

Donnie: Nice red cross. Gaudy huge. I like it. It smells a bit funny though.

Jeff: I know. Authentic.

Donnie: It’s a little big for you too.

Jeff: Everything is sir.

Donnie: Is the shield and armour really necessary?

Jeff: Just trying to complete the look sir. This armour and my butter kni…my sword…and…

Donnie: You’re early by the way.

Jeff: Sorry, just a little excited. Plus I heard you were ordering Mexican sandwiches. First dibs on the chicken Fajeedaderrickjeeders!

Donnie: Well, go find a seat

Jeff: Gotcha (slow moving and grunting)

Donnie: You Ok?

Jeff: It’s this gear…it’s a little heavy

Ben: If you don’t mind my sayin’, you wouldn’t really have to have been wearin’ all that stuff then. You wouldn’t have been on the front lines.

Jeff: Who are you?

Ben: Ben? Ben Carson? Benfred?

Jeff: (aside to Donnie) …who’s the black guy? And why is he calling himself Benfred?

Donnie: It’s a superhero thing…relax Jeff, he’s in the cabinet…He’s with us.

Jeff: Watch the the silverware.

Donnie: Already there.

Jeff: You sure?

Donnie: Yeh, but he completely organizes me, and he also does something about urban housing and development. Not really sure what that is but I appointed him to it and I expect it has projects that get developmented. Makes poor folk poorer to try and lift them up. Something about bootstraps.

Jeff: Urban housing? Sounds dangerous.

Donnie: It does, but he’s so good at doing nothing about it that no one notices and then we get to keep playing the “you need us” card

Jeff: Admirable

Jeff: (turns to Ben) So, why, Ben…

Ben: Benfred…what?…just trying to make it stick.

Jeff: So why…Benfred…wouldn’t I have been on the front lines with my butter knife in all this cool armour and tunics and tabards emblazoned with big red crosses and eventual blood of the un-holy?

Ben: Because you would have been one of the guys directing them to do your will…

Donnie: …like me Jeff…

Ben: …and in God’s name…

Jeff: …oh I like that…

Donnie: …great huh?…

Jeff: …so my Religious Liberty Task Force would be right in line with this…

Ben: ..oh Jeff, you def…

Jeff: …did you just call me Jeff?…

Ben: …sorry sir. Mr Sessions…

Jeff: …better…

Ben:…you definitely would have fit right in…Mr Sessions…kindred hearts sir…

Jeff: …always the right track if it’s God’s track!…

Ben: ..with ya there Mr Sessions…

Jeff: …and no cake…

Ben: ?

Jeff: …I wouldn’t have to make a cake if I didn’t want to?

Ben: …No…definitely no cake.

Jeff: Good. They’re not allowed cake. Only God fearing Christians are allowed cake.

Ben: And only the finest of cake. Can they eat it too?

Jeff: ?…Wait…are you mocki…

Ben: …just talking about cake sir

Donnie: So, after the sandwiches get here we shou…

Ben: ..it’s Mexican, not sandwiches

Donnie: Whatever Benfred. They’re all sandwiches on both sides in the end right?

Ben: Profound sir

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Who’s there?

Bolton: “Explosive Mustache”

Donnie: See Benfred? WWIII Bolton gets the passwords.

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Who’s there?

DeVoss: “Public Schools”

Donnie: Ha Ha Ha Ha! C’mon in Betsy. Now that shit’s funny.

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Who’s there?

Hucksterbee: “Pants on Fire”

Donnie: C’mon in Sarah. See Ben, we’ve got this down. Hey, where’s ….

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Aaaaannnddd who’s there? This is so much fun!

Kellyanne: “Witch”

Donnie: Ben?!!

Ben: (taking carrot off nose)

Kellyanne: “Witch”

Donnie: Ok…my apologies on your password.

Kellyane: It’s alright sir. It’s obvious.

Donnie: So…as we wait for the others I want to get this meeting started. (throwing some gravel on his podium) Here Here. This meeting of the He-Man…

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Get that will ya Benfred?

Ben: Of course…who’s there?

Laura: “Brown shirt”

Ben: C’mon in (to self: man she could subjugate me any day)

Donnie: Ok, this meeting of the He-Man Truth Haters club will now be ordered. It’s come to my atten…

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Jesus Christ!

Ben: Who’s there?

Mick: “Awkward smile”

Donnie: Mulvaney! Where the hell have you been?

Mick: Sorry sir, been busy fucking consumers.

Donnie: Well, good. Now grab a seat.

Mick: (excited) Chinese today?

Donnie: No, too expensive…Mexican sandwiches.

Mick: (deflated) oh…Ok

Donnie: So this meeting of the He-Man truth haters clu…

*Knock Knock

Donnie: …son of a bitch…

Ben: I got it sir…who’s there?

Mitch (with Paul Ryan): “Turtle” and …

Donnie: Whoa Mitch! You can’t use ONE password for TWO people

Mitch: Sorry sir. Paul’s had a bit of problem lately. Just passwording for both of us.

Donnie: What problem?

Mitch: He’s got a mouthful of money. Can’t speak.

Donnie: Ok, I’ll allow it for now…So this meeting of the He-Man Truth Haters Club will now be orde…

*Knock Knock

Donnie: Motherfucker!

Ben: I got it sir…who’s there?

Delivery Guy: Uhhhh…I’ve got your order?

Donnie: Hey! That’s not a password!

Ben: It is now…we’re all just really hungry.

Donnie: Well…shit…whatever. Let me see that bag (grabbing bag out of his hands)

Delivery Guy: ?

Donnie: (opening bag – peering in) Fries on top. Perfect!

Ben: I specifically asked for that…

Donnie: I’m sure you did Benfred….now we’re getting somewhere (to Delivery Guy) …you’re one of my “many people” right?…

Delivery Guy: ?

Donnie: …and you voted for me right?

Delivery Guy: That’ll be $66.67

Donnie: Holy shit! Really?!

Betsy: I got it sir…just let me grab my Cayman’s card from my boat.

Donnie: (puts arm around shoulder of Delivery Guy and walks away with him) …So tell me, when you went to the polls…you knew right…

Delivery Guy: What’s “the polls”?

Donnie: So when you went to the polls…hey, sorry, do you speak Russian?

Delivery Guy: ?

Donnie: Never mind…so when you went to the polls before my historic win…my landslide…it’s all about winning right?…when you went to the polls…(trailing off)

Delivery Guy: You’re hurting my arm…

Donnie: …Oh, stop being a wuss…




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