The Trump Treehouse of Tall Stories, Treason & Tyranny – Ep #4: "Not Action Figures"

(Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Action Figure Haters Club)

Token Ben Carson: Sir?

Donnie: What?

Ben: You really shouldn’t stand on the top step.

Donnie: What?

Ben: The step ladder. You really shouldn’t stand on the top step. There’s even a warning on th…

Donnie: Warning? What the hell does Trump care about warnings? (whispering to himself with a smirk “warnings, hah!”) That’s why we deregulate. Wait, who the hell are you?

Ben: Ben sir. Ben Carson.

Donnie: You’re black right?

Ben: Yes.

Donnie: OOOOhhhh, THAT Ben. Right, yes I remember. I like that. Part of my cabinet right?

Ben: Yes sir

Donnie: And black?

Ben: Yes…again sir.

Donnie: Man I’m good. I should point that out in a tweet. (self noting “black guy in my cabinet…man I’m good”)

Ben: You probably already have.

Donnie: Cabinet. That’s funny.

Ben: What sir?

Donnie: Cabinet. It’s just funny. “you’re in my cabinet” It’s like I have you guys above the counter in my kitchen next to the dinner plates and coffee mugs or something. “Hey Melania, we’re having a thing, an important thing, yea, wear something skimpy, break out the dinner plates from the ‘cabinet’ but don’t grab Ben or Munchkin by mistake! Ha Ha Ha.

Ben: It’s Mnuchin sir.

Donnie: What? What the hell are you talking about?

Ben: His name is Mnuchin, not Munchkin. Plus, he’s tall.

Donnie: I was making a funny Ben!

Ben: Oh, yes, you were, my sides hurt. Lot’s of laughter here sir. It’s just that his name isn’t Munch…

Donnie: …yes I get it Ben. (aside “fucking kill-joy…plus that guy’s name is just stupid”…trailing off… “cabinet…don’t grab by mistake…that’s a “my”person not a tea cup…ha ha ha”)

Ben: If you don’t mind my pointing out sir…you’re still on the top step…could be dangerous.

Donnie: You still here?

Ben: Yes sir.

Donnie: Danger’s nothing to me Ben.

Ben: Oh, I know that…you don’t, you wouldn’t flinch in the face of it sir. Even without a gun. It’s just that…

Donnie: …you got that right!…I don’t flinch…I’d just run right in…it’s just that what Ben?

Ben: Well, I just don’t want you to fall…you, know…twist an ankle or get a spur or something like that.

Donnie: Hey! Trumps don’t fall Ben!!! We don’t twist ankles BEN!! Or spur!! We laugh in the face of spur. And if we do fall, or spur, that’s what we intended, so THEY can suck it!

Ben: They?

Donnie: Yeh, they.

Ben: Who’s they?

Donnie: They Ben!! They. Them. Those. THEY! All of them! All of them that aint us.

Ben: Ummm…(worry) Us?

Donnie: Don’t worry Ben. I’ll save you. You’re a good “they, them. those.” My laundry?

Ben: All done.

Donnie: Great. Still black?

Ben: Still am, five minutes later.

Donnie: Good! I’ll hold you up as an example.

Ben: Thank you sir.

Donnie: You’re welcome.

Ben: So what are the action figures for?

Donnie: (hemming) uhhh…action figures?

Ben: Yeh, you have them them all lined up…right here in front of your step ladder on…are those pews?

Donnie: Yes..No…they’re not action figures and those are just pallets. Pallets. It’s a treehouse Ben. You make do with what you have. Old pallets, old shoeboxes of rocks, old politcal planks for the ladder up the tree, It’s just part of the fun.

Ben: Oh, I see it now. pallets, not pews. But they’re pallets loaded with cash. Shrink wrapped.

Donnie: Just dues.

Ben: Dues?

Donnie: Just leave it at that Ben. Dues. Need a couple of bucks for the office?

Ben: No, I’m good sir.

Donnie: You sure? You haven’t been eying anything up? You and your wife? Does she need a job?

Ben: No, our ‘cabinets’ are full sir.

Donnie: Oh, now you made a funny.

Ben: I did. Well, OK then. Thank you sir.

Donnie: Do they look like they’re sitting up?

Ben: ?

Donnie: My…ummm…chess pieces

Ben: Chess pieces?

Donnie: The action fig…chess pieces. Yeh, chess pieces…in a game of chess.

Ben: Not action figures?

Donnie: Definitely not action figures. Did you know I played chess?

Ben: No I didn’t. I’m impressed.

Donnie: Yes, love chess, I’m really good at it too. Genius’s are good at chess. Not as challenging as checkers but I know the game. I dabble.

Ben: You are worldy that way.

Donnie: Yeh, they all want me to play chess. But I’m so good at it that I offer checkers instead. All of them take me up on it too. And I win. I always win Ben.

Ben: Do you get to King?

Donnie: Hop Hop stack stack Nuff said.

Ben: Another funny?

Donnie: (sigh)

Ben: They do look like they’re sitting up though.

Donnie: (suddenly alert) They do?

Ben: Yes, but, I don’t recognize this one.

Donnie: Skeletor?

Ben: No, this one.

Donnie: Stretch Armstrong?

Ben: No.

Donnie: Purple Pony?

Ben: No.

Donnie: Michael J Fox’s Teen Wolf?

Ben: Really?

Donnie: Special collection. Very rare. One of a kind.

Ben: Wow, must be…No, none of those…this little fat one.

Donnie: Oh, the one with the big flashy Elton John glasses?

Ben: Yeh, weird haircut too.

Donnie: He’s friends with Skeletor. They despot stuff together. Tough guys.

Ben: You really SHOULD hold on to something.

Donnie: What?

Ben: Hold on to something. If you’re going to stand on the top step, you really should hold on to something.

Donnie: Ben (getting tired of the conversation) I can’t hold on to “something” with my arms outstretched like this above my adoring actio…chess pieces.

Ben: I know that sir, but this isn’t a carnival ride.

Donnie: It is if yell “Whoooooooooooo!”

Ben: SIR!!!

(crashing sounds and tumbling onto the floor of the treehouse as the step ladder gives way)

Donnie: Shit!!! (crash…moan)

Ben: (rushing over) Oh my god sir, are you alright?!

Donnie: (moan moan moan)

Ben: Sir!!!

Donnie: (moan) I think I may have broken something. How’s my hair?

Ben: Ummmm…it’s fine

Donnie: You sure? some follicles feel broken, or at least frayed.

Ben: No, you’re fine…and there’s shampoo for that.

Donnie: Were they still sitting up?

Ben: What?…who sir?

Donnie: My action fig…my chess pieces?

Ben: Yeh…sure.

Donnie: When I went “Whoooooooooooo!”

Ben: Yes, they’re still sitting up.

Donnie: (whew) good, at least there is that.

Ben: ?

Donnie: Sit up Ben.

Ben: ?? Oh right. Sitting up sir.

Donnie: Good

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