Ma

Been holding off on posting of my mother’s passing here until I wrote something for her. Now what I have here doesn’t even scratch the surface of what she meant to us and our family and her friends, but, like my Dad, who passed around 30 or so years ago now, she was important, so very important.

And that’s it right?

For all of the sanity that I sometimes wish I still had, or at least present, she was the one who helped me keep up that appearance.

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Phone rings

“Hello?”

“Hey Ma!”

“Oh Hi Stephen … how are you?

“I’m good Ma”

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, everything is fine, all good, just wanted to call and check in on ya. Are you Ok?”

“Yes, I’m fine … you sure you’re all right? You sound like you’re ready to cry, is it another of your cats Stephen? Oh, bloody hell, you and those cats. Who is it this time?”

“No, the cats are good Ma, and it’s Bella and Cricket now, Cricket the blind one …”

“The blind one, you have a blind cat? Well good for you for giving one a spot. Wait, is it a girl again? Hold on, I’m thinking is it …”

“No, no girl this time around Ma, and it’s been a really long time for that anyway, no I just wanted to check on you, see how you were”

“I’m all good Stephen. Your Dad says Hi by the way”

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Email from Aunt Lib:

I waited a couple of days to reach out to you.

I will miss Linda. She was not just a sister-in-law but a friend.

It was not easy to see Linda the last couple of years. When Elfriede and I would go over most times to meet Becca we always could laugh and enjoy our stories together.

I hope, Linda, while openly participating knew how much joy she brought to all of us.

Stephen. Try, when you are by yourself , you will say a special prayer for your parents. I hope that God will hear our prayers. I know Joey has been praying for you and watching over his Lin

I am in Oregon, will see you in February.

Love Aunt Lib

Reply:

Thanks Aunt Lib. I haven’t sat down to write something for Mom just yet but I have been sending myself notes and reminders of what I want to say. I know that’s when I will most probably break down numerous times so I need to not have anywhere to be for a few days, so probably this weekend when I work up the courage. My prayers will be in there. 

And yes, she was your friend, and you indeed were hers. Mom was obviously a very warm and caring, friendly person who had many friends over the years but none could hold a candle to you, Elfriede and Marina (and Aunt Anne as well, though with the distance). You were her almost lifelong bests and you were her strength when she needed it and I will thank you now for her … and start to tear up. 

I will indeed see you in February Aunt Lib. 

Love ya

Reply:

Thank you I am now tearing up so is Kathleen.

Take your time. Never rush love.

Love you aunt lib

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Messenger to my Mikey Six with some personalization for each (my group of most important immediates who I have for years forced my shit on upon finishing whatever was the latest, a poem, or a tune or a funny post that probably only made ME laugh and a Mikey Six who are more, actually a Mikey ten or so now … but that is a good thing)  

Hey JJ. So, my Mom, Ma, passed away Monday night, apologies a few days late though, it’s been a week my friend and I have been a bit overwhelmed. But she passed after only the text from Beck early Monday afternoon to give me the heads up of the final turn, that of course I knew was coming, that we all knew was coming, ups and downs over the last few weeks left things in a limbo but a one we knew wasn’t really a limbo at all, but Jesus dude it was the longest, most heartbreaking 36 hours in history, or at least mine and my Sis’s and even worse for my brother who is in Louisiana.

I went down to her assisted living place Monday to see and sit with her after that text and a call with Beck, along with Beck and Nephew Matt and Buck and to see some of the hardest quietly loud attempts to open an eye, one or the other, amid labored breath and then I drove back up home that night to make sure of the cats, Beck’s and Bella and Cricket, even though Matt has a friend who could have handled it I just couldn’t leave things to someone else, it’s fucking cold out there especially with a couple of Beck’s being inside/outsides, and that wouldn’t have been be fair to Matt’s friend, if only for some god forbid added heartbreak (I’m a house cat kind of guy because of such heartbreak) I just couldn’t leave that kind of thing to him.

So I came home, to check in and sit when Beck called to tell me, waiting the clock of my ride (she didn’t want to call me on my way) that Mom had passed not too long after I had left and after Matt and Buck made a quick out to grab some food and Beck told me of her playing some horrible guitar for her while telling her she could go. She had seen us and we were there and we were good and she was good as well and Mom just, well I guess, said ok and left. And she left while maybe even saying “Jesus Beck, after all these years of ongoing lessons of yours this is what you got right now?”

And you know, the dumbest thing, though I already have the post I want, need, to write for her, and am working on now and has been in my head for the most part anyway, 10 hours in the car, back and forth, with no tunes and just some pretty passing scenery on the Thruway, or even not so pretty (there are a lot of dead homes and failed places along the way and too many thoughts of time), I came home and instead finished the dumbest of silly posts I’ve had waiting for a few weeks, “Jesus Stephen, after all these years of you writing things this is what you got right now? That’s Ok though, I understand”

I’d like to think that maybe she might also say, keep playing Beck and keep writing Stephen.

Anyway my friend, a post for Mom to come.

Cheers JJ

Love

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“So what is the murder mystery tonight Ma?”

“Murder she Wrote. I love Angela Lansbury though I always know who did it, and early”

“But Man Ma, that Cabot Cove is the most dangerous sleepy small town in America huh?”

The first time I said that to her she laughed her Mom laugh, that warm, genuine one. I would say it on occasion again, in different phone calls but always with the same, warm laugh.

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I sat on the end and edge of my bed, almost not sitting on it at all and cried, genuinely being heartbroken but also leaving my bedroom door cracked open just enough for the drama of me to sound through. Now mind you I really was heartbroken but heartbreak never wants to be lonely however much it may claim to.

My freshman year had been a wonder and a glorious time and I befriended and looked up to quite a few seniors (though not without laying the groundwork of a lifelong friendship with three of my Mikey Six) and one of these seniors was a girl I had quite a crush on (one other as well though that is a story for another time).

But, after graduation, she was to be living in a town near mine at home in Mahopac NY. Katonah (I can never head down 684 south towards the city and pass Katonah without thinking of her) and on her own, in her new “starter” place, with a new job, to start her journey in the “real” world and “Wow!” I thought “who could have written this better?” and we planned a day on the shore, a Saturday.

But it didn’t take me too long to realize she was just being kind and that we were now in different worlds, her graduated one and mine still with some years to go in that cocooned world that college can be.

Then I stepped on a piece of broken glass in the sand and we left the beach and went back to her new adult place and with me with a sock and sneaker full of blood and she told me, as I finally got my foot in order and washed my shoe, that she and I couldn’t be a thing, but not because we were of different worlds now but that I was  …. I didn’t mention this earlier but it was the 80’s, I was Bender before Bender in the Breakfast Club, combat boots and bandanna’s wrapped around the ankles, more earrings almost that could be counted on two hands and this, and this was the thing, that I couldn’t have been a guy she could bring home to Mom and Dad, plus she had a kinda boyfriend, one I almost imagined years later might be the one who got into banking and hedge funding and wore a suit and made mom’s swoon and dad’s proud of possible new perfect son in laws, minus the affairs, in perfect suits … she told me I just didn’t look quite right.

Now I know, now, she was absolutely right, I was just a kid, and though we had acted in plays together with me imagining some play’s romance playing out into the real world, that could never have happened, I still harbored a bit of hope.

But sleeping on her couch, in her new job place and she being on her way, maybe even heading to the city for callbacks I just got up and left, but too late for the train I was sure.

I didn’t wake her, I didn’t blow a dramatic kiss, I didn’t start writing stories or bad poems to leave her in notes of unrequited love on a kitchen counter, I just got up and left … and started walking.

Back then, and I’m sure some, if not most of you can relate, when we first got our own driver’s licenses the world suddenly got smaller, some towns suddenly became “right next door” to each other as we drove around non-stop.

When walking though … and not thinking … not so much.

Katonah became again the place in a far away world we only visited very rarely, on drives that took sooooo long to get to dentists with Mom driving or to those shots I used to have to get in Yorktown heights  when I was younger for my allergies (the ones that eventually did the trick, RFK Jr and Aaron Rodgers notwithstanding) and before I knew it I was walking with my thumb stretched and at whatever the hell time it was.

And I was found.

I sat on the end and edge of my bed, almost not sitting on it at all and cried, about broken hearts, and going back to school seemingly alone and also about how I wasn’t dead behind two idiots wheel but with the door cracked open just enough for drama to seep through.  

Mom? They happened to be not just two idiots just tooling around, and drunk, man that car stunk, but two idiots that just happened to see my thumb and just happened to be going in the same direction I was going and also right by the house in a far away place called Mahopac on their drunken way.

If there are actually guardian angels …

She sat with me and gave a hug or two but also reminded me, in no uncertain terms, that I was just bloody lucky to have come across a couple of guys, who in their drunken dumb, knew this kid with a limp from a newly bleeding foot needed to get home, and on their way no less which made it easy, but that I would also have so much more to come in my new year, even though I couldn’t see it right now, new friends to make and even get to the point where maybe I was the guy the freshmen would look up to, or maybe get a crush on. There were also some Bloody Hell s and Hell’s Bells liberally tossed in there as well and another hug, this one for me still being alive.

… she would save me on other occasions too, like that time she pulled me back from what I will always think was a mental break when I asked John to sit on me on the side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike before I stepped into the roadway when all that I had has was lost, my job, my marriage, my prospects and I was driving a nowhere road and some State Cop gave me some grace and sympathy and put my cats in the back of his car as Mom gathered the forces of her friends, The Carrs in this case, to drive her halfway across Pennsylvania so she could meet me and drive my car back, a broken me and a couple of cats.

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But she was also the very first phone call I made to share my victories, my glories when someone had finally noticed, dad passed away too soon to really share them with him as well though I did get a chance, once, to play for him some of my aircheck tapes though he really didn’t know what that meant, dad wasn’t a guy to listen to the radio, other than maybe for a weather report or two.

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There is this one picture of my Mom with her girlfriends back when she was a teen. Sitting on a rock wall, maybe just outside of her home, possibly even skipping school, outside her home of moms and dads and brothers, looking all cool with the girls and smoking cigarettes and being the what all. I’d like to think that maybe she recognized herself in me.

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“Hey Ma, you wanna watch a movie tonight? No, no murder mystery” I called from Barnes and Noble, my gig then, “I’m getting out a little early and I’ve already hit Blockbuster for “The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert”

This was when I was on her couch in her little one bedroom place just up the way from Aunt Lib and before we both knew that I needed to get out of there before she killed me and left me in a ditch underneath the power lines and before we realized that family was all we had and she was able to usher me off to new begins.

But that scene, of ping pong balls shot from a place you couldn’t possibly imagine ping pong balls to be shot from? She just laughed, that warm laugh, and in this case, an out loud guffaw and we re-wound and re-wound playing it over and over again.

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My Mom loved this family. It started as only her stand in for what she had left behind but after meeting my dad and his warts and all gang and having a me and then a Beck and Nick in other ways she surely thought to herself, I have done alright.

I found a guy who adored me, I and he cared for numerous foster kids from broken homes under our roof, I shepherded disadvantaged kids through school she might have said, I popped out a kid who didn’t disappoint me and called me a lot, I added some even better ones and I found friends who I could really call friends and confidants.

Something about rich lives Ma.  

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The first album I ever bought was “The Beatles Live at the Hollywood Bowl”, well, the second, the first was the Star Wars Soundtrack until I discovered that “soundtrack” was just the music, not some recording of the actual flick just minus the pictures, which was pretty disappointing, though I did spend way too much of my paperboy money on the Star Wars stickers I could adorn it with.

But she came from a distant land, a land of wonder of all my Mary Stewart King Arthur books and I bought the album and became a lifelong Beatles fan because of her, and plus, England was so small, she must have been on a first name basis with them right? I mean, how could she not? That’s what I told all of my friends anyway.

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Phone rings

“How ya doin’ Ma?”

“I’m Ok Stephen”

“Tell Dad I said Hi back”

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Miss ya Ma so much, and our phone calls.