(The Official Secret Clubhouse of the He-Man Truth & Real “Fiber” Haters Club)
Donnie: So what kind of fruit do you think he likes?
Ben: Fruit sir?
Donnie: Yeh, for a basket.
Ben: For who?
Donnie: Who do you think Benfred? Who I have been fawning and frothing over lately?
Ben: Hope still?
Donnie: No Ben.
Ben: But you do stare at her pictures a lot in that little candle lit shrine in the closet off your mock Oval Office here in the Treehouse.
Donnie: No Ben! Not Hope! Guess already!!
Ben: I really don’t know sir. I Can’t read your mind.
Donnie: I know, it’s like a steel trap.
Ben: It is a trap alright sir.
Donnie: C’mon, it’s for Brett. What kind of fruit should I get in a basket for him? And jams…yeh, maybe jams…everybody loves jams right?…or is it preserves?
Ben: Jellies too sir.
Donnie: Dammit Benfred, don’t add another…Shit confuses me enough with just two. Do I call Ahmad at the deli for a bagel with JAM and extra extra butter? Do I call the Ahmad at the deli for a bagel with PRESERVES and extra extra butter? Do I send ICE to pick up the order? He got lucky that last time by the way. The two is enough Ben without you throwing a fucking wild card “Jelly” in the mix!
Ben: Sorry sir, I know, two IS a lot.
Donnie: What about muffins? Do you include muffins in something like this?
Ben: Well, some do and fiber is important.
Donnie: It is! It’s healthy I’ve heard. That’s why my McDonalds always comes in a bun…
Ben: ..but that’s not really fiber….
Donnie: …and it’s especially important in a movement, you need people of questionable “fiber”and low opinions right? ‘Cause this IS a movement Benfred. Number one? Don’t you be fooled by what the fake news sprays around, and, number two? This has been a real movement ever since the let go…
Donnie: …get go, sorry. Since the get go. Since day one.
Ben: And two sir.
Donnie: Exactly. And all the days after that.
Ben: We all the know the movement sir, a proud movement, hopped on right behind the horses pullin’ the Trump Wagonwheel backwards, shovels in hand, longcoats and half gallon hats and fedoras and bowlers, and, just like you said, since day one. It’s healthy two. Nature’s broom. Gotta keep regular.
Donnie: Oh, I like that.
Ben: What’s that sir?
Donnie: Keeping regular, like a regular Joe. A regular Joe movement…
Ben: …Yes sir! Go with it…
Donnie: …don’t stop me…regular Joe’s gotta movement too right? It’s ME. I’m their movement! And we tell ’em it’s constitutional. Regular Joe’s eat that constitutional shit up, even though they don’t understand it.
Ben: You still have your constitution pamphlet from the tour?
Donnie: Damn straight I do. Know it inside and out, very inspirational, especially the pictures…I memorized all the pictures…love that one of the tall guy with the beard and long hat. A daily constitutional reminder of a movement…
Ben: …exactly sir. Keep going…you’re on a roll…
Donnie: …I am!…see this Ben? No one sees this…or reports on it…when I get going…when I get this whip smart genius ticking…I frighten even myself with the ticking…frighten so many people and so many nations with the ticking…like a doomsday clock…on a roll indeed…
Ben: …whole wheat I hope?
Donnie: (screeching halt) What?!
Ben: Whole wheat? The roll? The one you’re on? Good fiber? I’m kidding?
Donnie: Who the hell eats whole wheat rolls Benfred? Tree huggers smelling of pitched hooley and whales? Jesus Benfred!
Donnie: No! None of that mongrelizing of the bread crap! This is a whitebread muffin movement Benfred!
Ben: Fiber pills then maybe? Just in case?
Donnie: Wait…idea (flat dull bell sound)…I’m thinking at my next ego rally all 45,000 people that show up get a muffin…maybe dyed red, white and blue.
Ben: Is that safe sir? Those dyes can have a history of being harmfu…
Donnie: …I’m the FDA Ben…
Donnie: …all 45,000 zealots…
Donnie: …supporters…all 45,000 supporters get a Red White and Blue muffin…
Ben: …in that place that only holds 6,000 peop…
Donnie: …yes, all 45,000 get a red, white and blue whitebread muffin to symbolize the movement…it’ll say “all Joe’s can be regular whitebread Americans”…
Ben: …all Joan’s too sir?
Ben: All Joan’s? It’ll symbolize they’re regular too like Joe? Men AND women?
Donnie: Who’s Joan?
Ben: …an example of the wome…
Donnie: Women too?…Whatever. So pink cinnamon raisin? Pink poppy seed? Pink pound cake? Chocolate chip?
Ben: We all love chocolate chip right?
Donnie: I’m sure YOU do and I know I do, especially in an election year. What have chocolate chips got to lose in a whitebread muffin right?
Ben: But why the need for a fruit basket sir?
Donnie: Just a gesture Ben.
Ben: But you don’t make gestures sir.
Donnie: I know, always costs too much and can eventually be traced, plus gestures should only be made to me…ring kiss, bent knee preferably. But in this case I’ll make an exception and reach ou…
Ben: …that’s big of you…
Donnie: …I know, again…I’m giving like that…
Ben: …a thank you for a promised fealty sir?
Donnie: Not trying to buy a house here Benfred. If ya haven’t noticed I already have one. It’s big, it’s white, gets wet when it rains. But if you mean realty, well, of course (duh), that’s how this shit works Benfred. You don’t shadily go behind closed doors with a sitting Supreme Court Justice and the soundtrack from “The Godfather” to work out a plan for the timing of his retirement and the choosing of his successor without the successor’s pinky oath. Damn, you can be dim sometimes. But it’s more a gesture of gratitude for hanging in there and doing his best to lie through this onslaught of questions…I mean who the hell asks questions at a confirmation hearing? Should be just “Is your name Brett?” Yes. “Did Trump nominate you?” Yes. Bada Boom…Done! That should be it! But no, fucking Dems insist on the convention of questions like any other old hearing. Where does he stand on this, where does he stands on that, will he bring back the Make America Great Again days of backroom abortions, will he piss on gay folks and workers rights, will he help anoint me King, yadda yadda yadda? It’s not that easy to constantly sidestep the truth Ben…believe me I know….so he deserves a gesture…(chokes)…a gesture from…me (chokes again)…this is so hard Benfred.
Ben: I know it is sir. So magnanimous.
Donnie: (possible angry glare – then lightening) Yes, thank you…I love Tom Selleck too.
Ben: The debut episode of the re-boot wasn’t bad.
Donnie: But it’s NOT Tom Selleck…
Ben: No, it’s not. You’re right. Your gesture though…it’s also just so selfless.
Donnie: I’m like that….right?…wait…whaty’d say…selfless?
Ben: That you are sir. The people see it every day.
Donnie: I’m sure they do! (aside in a whisper)…can you explain this “selfless” to me later?
Ben: Of course sir.
Donnie: Plus, he’s had it so hard lately with this Christine Blasey Ford thing.
Ben: I know, ya gotta feel for the victim. That has to be so difficult.
Donnie: Exactly. Why does he have to answer more questions now?
Donnie: Yes, HE…
Ben: …but I thought…
Donnie: …victim Ben?…we’re talking victim here?…
Ben: …right, my bad…poor Brett…
Donnie: …and don’t they come with little gifts too? Nicely wrapped? Ivanka is really good at that sort of thing.
Ben: What sir?
Donnie: Shit Benfred?! The fucking fruit basket. Don’t they come with little gifts?
Ben: I’m not sure. I’ve never gotten a fruit basket. Death threats from poor folks who don’t have bootstaps, but never a fruit basket. I could ask my wife though.
Donnie: I don’t want to furnish his office of “I Do Nothing” Ben, I just want to maybe include a small gift or two, if that’s what they do in fruit baskets of course.
Ben: But including gifts? Doesn’t that make this more of a gift basket, not a fruit basket?
Donnie: (hard stare) It’ll have an apple, probably some grapes Ben, maybe a pineapple centerpiece, chocolate covered strawberries. It’ll be a FRUIT basket Benfred!
Ben: Now I’ll be the first to say I love chocolate covered strawberries but are you sure?
Ben: The message they send? Could make it a little awkward.
Donnie: Ok, point. No chocolate covered strawberries.
Ben: Nice adjustment sir.
Donnie: I’m good on the fly.
Ben: That you are, I’ve seen that fly in action. As to a small gift? Monogrammed cuff links are always nice.
Donnie: Great idea…and in gold. DT.
Ben: But aren’t his initials BK?
Donnie: Not hungry right now, trying to think.
Ben: Plus wouldn’t that be a little obvious?
Donnie: You’re right. Don’t need anyone zooming in on his wrists while he dramatically taps his hands pretending to agonize over a decision in a re-enactment on Fox and Friends.
Ben: I loves me that Ainsley.
Donnie: Me too.
Ben: Maybe a gift card for a tattoo of DT instead, in some place discreet.
Donnie: Much better idea. Something only he can see in the mirror when he gets out of the shower in the morning.
Ben: How about scented soaps?
Donnie: Seriously Benfred?
Ben: Just throwing gift idea shit at the wall sir.
Donnie: Well apparently. Maybe your scented soaps can help with the cleanup of your shit wall. No, need something else…Olive Garden?
Ben: Who doesn’t love Olive Garden?
Donnie: Ok, so we got a fruit basket with an apple, some grapes, a pineapple centerpiece, whitebread muffins with maybe, chocolate chips, a DK tattoo, Olive Garden…but we need a kicker, something to make it truly unique, but something subtle. Something only he and I would understand.
Ben: Nesting dolls dressed as court justices?
Donnie: Fuck Benfred?! I said subtle…plus I already sent those to Vlad. Justice robes that are really Russian flags. He loved ’em. Says he keeps them in the residence next to a picture of me riding a Shetland Pony shirtless.
Donnie: I know, really cute, though the whole nesting doll concept still confuses me…
Ben: …well, they’r…
Donnie: …try to explain them to me again Ben and your body won’t ever be found.
Ben: Sorry sir…wait, I got it!
Ben: A portait of you for his chambers.
Donnie: Keeping with subtle…go on.
Ben: Yeh, a portrait of you, right behind his desk…you’re glaring and holding a pen over a blank sheet of official Supreme Court stationary.
Donnie: Oh, Benfred…you’re suprisingly an almost genius just like me!!
Ben: And you could pay for it through your foundation. Wouldn’t cost you a gold dime.
Donnie: Oh my god! That’s perfect!! Ben I could close my eyes and hug you, but the 80’s were a long time ago.
Ben: That’s Ok sir.
Donnie: Brett is going to ABSOLUTELY love this!!
Ben: I’m sure he will sir. How could he not?
Donnie: Oh, by the way, don’t mention this to Mike.
Ben: Pence sir?
Donnie: Yeh, he’ll just want to horn in on it. Seems he’s really excited about Brett. Has stock in a huge coat hanger manufacturer.
Donnie: Plus, he gets all sweaty whenever someone mentions fruit, starts unbuttoning his shirt. It can be REALLY uncomfortable.
Ben: With ya sir.