(to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”)
So here at House Wiltse (my latest nom of this place – I’ve penned quite a few of them over the last 3+ years always imagining whichever one on a shingle hanging above the front porch) there are a couple or a few or a number of cats. That’s downstairs by the way. You are already well aware, I’m sure, of my upstairs couple or a few or a number of or a three now or a four twice or a five once or even the momentary more when I’ve made the mistake of leaving my door open while doing a load of clothes. But, like I said, there are a couple or a few or a number of cats downstairs and with that any number comes the occasional issue.
“Hey! Off the counter!”
“Hey! Don’t be swattin’!”
“Hey! I’m wearing a black sweatshirt and don’t have one those sticky rolly things!”
You just learn to roll with them and wear lighter colors.
This is small stuff though, small cat stuff you just navigate knowing that that it is part of the deal. But sometimes the “occasional issue” is one that is more than just a butt push to the floor or an admonishment to be nice or a back off from the sweatshirt you hairy hair hairy. Sometimes it’s an actual issue, like peeing where peeing shouldn’t happen. That’s what litter and its boxes are for right? Not necessarily it seems.
Celie (my landlady for those that don’t know or land-bestie as my friend Jonna likes to put it) texted me just a week or so ago that she had a song idea for me (you may have noticed I’ve been wont to a parody song or two) after one of the couple of or a few of or a number of cats downstairs decided to eschew the litter box and just go free rein, free pee rein.
Cujo.
Again.
She got the thought of the chorus of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” in her head just with a Cujo pee tint as he surely looked at her and cat said “what?”
I decided to go with that thought and some cat pee silly.
It Wasn’t Me, I Didn’t Pee
Yo, Handsome … Open up man
What do you want Cujo?
Mom just caught me
Seriously?
I don’t know how
Where?
In the shower, you know
Man
I don’t know what to do
Well, say it wasn’t you
—
Alright
—
Celie came in and she caught me red handed
Peeing on the shower floor
Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo
Who doesn’t litter box no more
How could I forget that she lived
On this very big house floor
Just right down the hall here
Till she was standing at the bathroom door
—
How could you forget that Mom’s the one who owns this villa
She’s got sixth senses that snap up on her pilla
You keep this up she’s gonna be your killa
She knows it’s you even got ya on camera
Before you were dumb and strolled off into the shower
These humans got tech to catch you any hour
Yeah that’s video your ass up on stovetop
You gotta say it wasn’t you to save you from the next stop
—
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
Saw me peein’ on the stovetop (I didn’t pee)
Even saw me in corners (It wasn’t me)
Yeah she caught me on camera (I didn’t pee)
Saw scratches on the floorboards (It wasn’t me)
Smelled the smell that made her nose curl (I didn’t pee)
Heard her screams when she discovered (It wasn’t me)
I couldn’t stay so I took off
—
Celie came in and she caught me red handed
Peeing on the shower floor
Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo
Who doesn’t litter box no more
How could I forget that she lived
On this very big house floor
Just right down the hall here
Till she was standing at the bathroom door
—
Act like nothing happened, that it’s no big deal
Walk your Cujo walk, denial in your cool
See if you can sing another cat’s fault song
Maybe Sunny with who you don’t get along
You’re gonna be banished from house for real
You’ll be pushin’ daisies soon for just this deal
You’ll be out garage, house life won’t last
Get caught again and 9th life will pass
—
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
Saw me peein’ on the stovetop (I didn’t pee)
Even saw me in corners (It wasn’t me)
Yeah she caught me on camera (I didn’t pee)
Saw scratches on the floorboards (It wasn’t me)
Smelled the smell that made her nose curl (I didn’t pee)
I heard the screams when she discovered (It wasn’t me)
I couldn’t stay so I took off
—
Celie came in and she caught me red handed
Peeing on the shower floor
Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo
Who doesn’t litter box no more
How could I forget that she lived
On this very big house floor
Just right down the hall here
Till she was standing at the bathroom door
—
Gonna blame some other
For the smell that I’ve caused
Gotta be some other cat who goes and pees against doors
I will tell her that maybe it’s because of the dogs
I’ll just make sure they don’t catch me
When they figure mad cause
—
Celie came in and she caught me red handed
Peeing on the shower floor
Picture this, I’m a cat named Cujo
Who doesn’t litter box no more
How could I forget that she lived
On this very big house floor
Just right down the hall here
Till she was standing at the bathroom door
—
Celie came in
She caught me red handed
It wasn’t me I do say
I didn’t pee I will say
Celie came in then
She caught me red handed
It wasn’t me
Meow
frankenberrysattic.com 
I have not bought a black t-shirt, or sweatshirt, or pair of sweatpants for 25 years. And I used to buy Nature’s Friend by the half-gallon for Owen, who was a retaliatory laundry pee-er.
All worth it. ❤️
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Being the Bucco fan that I am makes it pretty tough on the cat hair thing, with black being in the color scheme an all. Funny, but I just decided, years ago, to just wear cat hair as a sort of calling card. It is what it is, Black and Gold and Hair.
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