The Ongoing Great Bagel Dilemma

Ok, I have talked (posted) of this before but it bears revisiting as this continues to be a dirty fingered bone of bagel contention and also a point of fascination for me, never ceasing to amaze: The Ongoing Great Bagel Dilemma (paraphrasing and plagiarizing of that older post allowed because, well, I wrote it and this is my blog not yours).

We get a tray of bagels delivered here at the stations from a local deli once a week and generally my co-workers tend to follow a pretty simple, dignified bagel etiquette – rush the tray, knock people out of the way or push them down like you’re sacrificing them to the bear that is chasing you at a National Park after you tried to take an ill-advised selfie just so that you can survive and get a free bagel and then go back to your cubicles and do sales people cubicle things, or studios and do radio DJ people studio things, or to your business offices to do business people business office things, or to your mansions and do … whoa!! How the hell’d you all get in here?! We do radio, no rich folks allowed!! Out!!! Be gone with you!!! Don’t make me stab you with this plastic cream cheese knife!!! … (muttering to self) rich folks, freakin’ mooches!!

As you can tell, free food can cause quite a stir and is one of the only real perks of working in radio and always has been (no, meeting “rock stars” doesn’t count because that’s pretty fleeting, their autographs aren’t ever worth shit and they never have free food on them – you’d think they’d at least have grabbed something from the backstage spread and stuffed it in a pocket – ok, maybe that’s just Bill from accounting who was wearing an all access lanyard) but at least no one was hurt in this week’s bagel go round, though, like car accidents where you don’t notice at first, there could still be residual effects and a back or neck complaint that might be lodged in the coming days.  

But that thing that never ceases to amaze me that I mentioned above (and most certainly isn’t just us in this workplace) is the person or persons who don’t want an entire bagel but still feel the need to leave the unwanted portion on the tray, like to leave that portion of the bagel they don’t want is some sort of grand magnanimous gesture that will be applauded by their co-workers.

“I do not wish an entire bagel” they say to themselves “but I will leave the portion that I do not desire to my dearest of co-workers and they will thank me heartily for my selfless consideration especially when all the bagel bounty is nearly depleted”

Ok, here’s the thing and it’s pretty simple.

Just take the whole fucking bagel!!

Nobody is going to pat you on the back for this consideration, the leaving of a partial bagel so that someone else may still be able to benefit from your largess. Just take the whole bagel and throw half of it away for all I care.

And I don’t want to hear about what your mother admonished you with when you were younger about wasting food “you’re not going to finish that!! Shame on you!! Do you know there are starving children in (fill in country) who could live on that half a bagel for a week!!!”

Just suck up the lifelong guilt that you suffer every time you throw away any almost still good bit of food and take the whole fucking bagel!!

Or wait, I don’t know, save it in some of the plastic the tray was wrapped in and maybe have it for tomorrow?! Woah, there’s a novel idea!!!

But if you insist on being one of these annoying partial bagel people here is a pretty simple approach and with pictures to make it easier to digest.

The bagels come pre-sliced so if you really do only want a partial bagel take the top half or the bottom half:

Bagel on the left.

And, boom, that’s it, no other options.

Bagel on the right?

You are obviously an uncultured peasant. No one will thank you for leaving them this partial bagel after the initial rush on the tray has rendered it almost bereft of bagel purpose and possibly left some of your co-workers with limps or neck aches, because now you have manhandled it with your filthy meat hooks and torn it like some sort of barbarian and no one wants that … no one!

NO ONE is taking what your dirty flesh paws have left them, especially the orange one, whatever the hell flavor of bagel that is.

I may have mentioned this already, but in case you missed it, just take the whole fucking bagel!!

Please!!!

And don’t get me started on if this partial thing happens with the free donuts from Dunkin’ that show up magically on occasion because that’s just wrong!